what was i thinking

So I am 24 years old now. More than two years out of college. I remember when I was so excited to go out and fend for myself. Have my own place. Make my own decisions and lead my own life. Why? Why in gods name would anyone ever want that? You wonder why children are always so happy and carefree, it is because they have someone to buy them whatever they want, give them food, make their decisions for them, not to mention pay all the bills. You know why they always have so much energy in the morning? Because they don't have any stresses or worries to keep them up at night. And they get nap time.

What was I thinking moving out of my parent's house? What the fuck was I trying to prove? That I can take care of myself. Who fucking cares? Sure they cramped my style a little bit and but hey I had it good. Dinner on the table every night no questions asked. Free rent, gas, electric, phone, cable, internet. Top of the line stuff too. My super (dad) lived right upstairs. A washer/dryer in the house. A fridge semi-full of food. I could even make requests as to what I would like to eat for any of the various meals they supplied. These are all things that I either live without today or have to pay for. Every time I go home to visit I ask myself, how could I let all that slip through my fingers?

It isn't even the money, it is simply the peace of mind. The second I pay one bill another one comes in. There is always something to get done and something that needs to be bought or fixed. Right about now I would just like to set up shop on my parents couch. They have cable and it's free – I think they even got a Tivo. They have food and it's free. They have internet and it's free. They have a car that I am sure they would let me borrow. What more could I ask for? Independence? Overrated. And if I actually talk to my parents, they aren't quite as annoying as I remember.

We all know people who live at home. I always thought they were lazy, crazy, stupid, unmotivated, or a host of other unfriendly adjectives. I used to say things like "I can't believe he is still living at home." Or "How can he stand to still be living at home, doesn't he want his own place?" Now they seem to be the only ones who really know what they are doing. "Hey you want an all expenses paid trip through life?" Who would say no to that? Well apparently me, and a lot of you other crazy people out there. Unfortunately it is too late to go back. I think my parents rather enjoy having me gone. I guess I was cramping their style just as much as they were cramping mine.

Oh my. I have a job I don't like, a messy apartment that is hardly worth the money I pay for it, and no course of action as to how to not be doing this anymore. But hey at least I know I can make it on my own...whatever that means.

vacation's over

Back to work. It feels like I am the only person who decided to show up. Well, me and the people I work for of course. They never take vacation. It was quite wonderful to have four days in a row where I didn't have to set my alarm. It wasn't easy getting up this morning. I am not quite sure why. I have no problem waking up at 8:00am on my days off, but ask me to do it on a day I have to go to work. Out of the question. It makes no sense at all. I get all excited that I can sleep all day on my vacation and I am up with the sun. I of course force myself back to sleep for another couple hours, but sometimes that proves to be difficult. But on a morning I actually have shit to do and I need to get up I can't. Go figure.

Today got off to a bit of a rough start. I read something the other day that said suffering was good because it just helped you get rid of bad karma, so I will just chalk it up to that. I am doing a really good job getting rid of bad Karma lately. The word suffering is probably not the right word, I am not really "suffering". Perhaps I should use the words inconvenienced, annoyed, upset? Now that I am making good progress getting rid of bad Karma I am going to do my best not to create anymore. It's gonna be a whole new me.

Getting rid of bad Karma thing #1: I passed some man on the street this morning and a thought crossed my mind, which to avoid further embarrassment I will not repeat here. It wasn't a bad mean thought just a thought one probably shouldn't have. I'll leave it at that. Two seconds later I proceeded to trip on the sidewalk. No, there wasn't anything sticking up or a big crack or something, I just tripped over nothing. I didn't fall or anything but I definitely made one of those loud girly squeaking noises. It was embarrassing but I am sure I deserved it. I definitely wont be thinking what I was thinking for a while.

Getting rid of bad Karma thing #2: I was coming out of the bathroom and as I pulled the door towards me to open it, I somehow managed to smack myself in the face with it. Who knew I could open a door with such force? How fucking stupid is that? I hit myself in the head with a door. I thought I had mastered the whole opening and closing door thing when I was like 5, but I guess not. I am pretty tough so although it hurt and was red for a little while I don't think it is going to leave a mark. Sure glad no one saw that one. I am not exactly sure what the bad Karma was for but I am sure I deserved that too.

Getting rid of bad Karma thing #3: Once I got in I saw some files the needed to be filed in Matt's office. I figured I should just get off my ass and do a little work. It wasn't as bad as I had imagined. It is just so hard to work up the motivation to do anything around here, or anywhere for that matter - but once I do, not so bad. It only took a few seconds. But I fear there will soon be more. He is cleaning out a bunch of stuff in his office which I guess is good for him, but bad for me. Not to say I care whether or not he cleans out his office but I can see his office from my desk. He is up and down and all over the place. Every time he stands up I get that panicky feeling like he about to give me work to do. I get all worked up only to have him sit back down. I like it when they keep their doors shut. He has already given me about a million things to send out to various places. But I like him so I do it with a smile on my face. But I guess none of that is bad Karma - it is just my job.

I also got some good Karma today.

Good Karma thing #1: It's true folks the chicken soup I like is back at Hale and Hearty again.

Good Karma thing #2: Andy gave me a belated holiday card and said that I was too good for this job. I already knew that but it was very nice of him to tell me so.

liz...its the cold dry air...liz

So yesterday Mike Bloomberg was giving out t-shirts to Heidi Klum - last week he was at Matt Damon's wedding. If he has nothing better to do than go around cavorting with supermodels and Red Sox fans then why the fuck am I still riding a school bus to work? A school bus that happened to come 15 minutes early today and almost left without me.

I also for whatever reason lost my voice. No sore throat or anything so I am not really sure what is happening. Marge is convinced it is because of the "cold dry air". She even called the maintenance people to come turn up the heat. She is demanding I see a doctor. Well that isn't going to happen. She is also practically forcing hot tea down my throat, which I refuse to drink simply because she is the one telling me to drink it.

It is weird losing your voice, especially being someone who talks as much as I do. I open my mouth but nothing comes out, or half of something comes out. It is rather embarrassing. I wish when I lost my voice I sounded like a phone sex operator, but instead I sound more like someone who has been smoking two packs a day for the last thirty years. That's not sexy. So with the no voice and the no trains I decided I will "work" from home tomorrow like everyone else. Although they will call it a vacation day I plan on finishing up my book and checking my email so...I don't really see the difference between that and what I normally do.

transit strike day #2

I found out the mentally handicapped woman's name this morning on the bus. Her name is Pam. We have two Pam's on our bus. Maybe the fact that they have the same name is why Pam # 2 is always bothering Pam #1 about her dog. I found out her name because she started to sing "one hundred and one bottles of beer on the wall - one hundred and one bottles of beer..." Everyone then asked Pam #2 very nicely to stop. She is nice but every so often gets these weird bursts of anger. Apparently after I got off the bus last night she let the bus driver have it. I am not quite sure what that means but I don't really want to find out.

There were a few newcomers to the bus today. I guess people figured that the strike may last a little longer than anticipated and they had better head to work. Our group is doing some bonding. I say when this is all over we should head out for happy hour! Our bus driver's name is Buba and he was even kind enough to drop us off pretty much at our doorstep last night. But this nonsense really sucks for a whole lot of people. Can't we act like adults and compromise? I thought there was supposed to be a surplus. Weren't they about to give out half priced metro-cards? Why don't they just use that money? If I managed my life the way these people manage the city I sure would be in trouble. Either way let's just figure it out because it took 2 hours for me to get home last night and from what Erin tells me someone in Boston is going to die because they can't get their bone marrow.

My muffins were a big hit. Much bigger than Angie's. I think she was feeling insecure so she pointed it out to me. I just don't understand these women. They take such pride in what they bring to the Christmas breakfast every year. Who has the biggest bagels or the tastiest cake. I just don't see why it matters, although Lydia's cookies were delicious. Everyone showed up with fancy cakes in fancy containers. I brought six muffins in a bag and plopped them down on the table. I suppose if you have nothing else to live for. Not that I have anything all that exciting to live for, but I like to pretend I do.

Jake managed to get into work today. He is a really nice guy but although I have worked for him for almost a year it is still incredibly awkward. Every single interaction. At first I thought it was me. But I don't care enough about what anyone here thinks of me to be awkward. I wonder if he is like that with everyone. Maybe he is just worried I will mess something up (a valid concern). Maybe I just make him nervous because of my blatant disregard for just about everything here. How did someone so awkward manage to get a job here, or a wife for that matter?

Well I had to enter his time and I broke my "no initiative" rule and suggested that perhaps he would like to wait to enter it until he received the correct number. Remember that whole fiasco with Gerry and how he practically refused to change the time? Well I didn't want it to happen again. He wanted something charged to the office charge that I knew would later be changed. I pointed out that accounting (Gerry) doesn't like to go back and change charges so if this will one day be charged to an actual client "we" should wait to enter it.

I said "it is hard (annoying) for accounting (Gerry) to go in and change numbers once they have been entered into the computer." Meaning we should just wait until he gets the correct number instead of letting his impatience force me to do it incorrectly. He said "well...why don't 'we' (we meaning you - they always say we but really mean you) enter it under this and they could just change it later once we figure things out." "OK." So, did he hear anything I said? So I entered the time as he wanted. Well not exactly, none of it ended up mattering at all because I entered the time under the completely wrong charge by accident. That is probably why he gets so nervous around me. He is probably afraid I am going to do some real damage one day. But he decided to cut his losses and told me not to worry about it. Of course I wouldn't have worried about it but it was nice of him to give me permission.

well this is annoying

I made it into work on the school bus provided by my law firm. The Goldman Sachs people got fancy buses. But I guess we are lucky to get anything. Time is money. They will give you no excuse to miss work. The supervisor of all the secretaries made his rounds this morning to make sure everyone made it in. They mean business around here. Hopefully this doesn't last too long because it is too cold to be walking around waiting for buses. Besides I had to wake up a half hour early. The ride was entertaining enough. Everyone was actually really nice - perhaps there is something about a crisis that bonds the city together. Whatever. Some of the attorney's are still afraid to speak to the secretaries. Who do they think copies all those documents they read? And I am sure a missing page here and there could change a whole lot of things in those contracts they are always getting signed. Just saying.

The ride into the city was actually kind of nice. It is nice to be above ground once and a while. The unfortunate part was that I also had to share the bus with Clay Aiken's biggest fan and the mentally handicapped couple that works on the 19th floor. My oh my. May they be well, but I spent about a half hour trying to block out the voice of this woman. Let's just call her Aiken. She was given that nickname by a few friends of mine not only because of her unwavering passion for the artist we all know and love, but because she some how managed to replicate Clay Aiken's exact haircut on her own head. How lovely. But the mouth on this woman. She would put many a sailor to shame. She was "whispering" something to someone at the front of the bus about Marge and I am almost positive Marge must have heard what was said all the way on Staten Island. She is so fucking loud. Anyway, some people need coffee to wake up in the morning but all I needed was a brisk 12 block walk and that woman's voice in my ear for a half an hour.

Then there is the mentally handicapped couple. I am not sure what they do here. The only thing I know for sure is that they make it really uncomfortable in the elevator, but that's another story. But all I know is that the woman, I'm not sure her name, kept asking Pam about how her dog is doing. I have only seen Pam a few times in my entire stint here at the firm and each time this woman was asking her about her dog. They work on the same floor so I can only imagine how many times that conversation must actually take place.

Pam wasn't to excited to indulge this woman in conversation. I can understand why but, and this maybe seem a little inappropriate, but if you are going to befriend a mentally handicapped woman then you should probably be patient. And if you aren't going to be patient, then, well do what I do, put on head phones and turn in the other direction. Not that you shouldn't befriend mentally handicapped people (I am actually not a fan of befriending anyone at all - mentally handicapped or not) but if you do then you have to be nice. Pam's annoyance became everyone's annoyance once this woman started talking/shouting about the MTA and the union and how Manhattan is no place for cars. And how everyone should get their driver's license renewed. Or something like that.

But since I have transportation to work the strike isn't really going to effect me too much. I just feel bad for those last minute Christmas shoppers and Holiday travelers. Not to mention all the displaced homeless people and men and women who are getting docked pay because they couldn't get to work. Of course the poor people are constantly getting screwed. The rich people never seem to be effected by stuff like this. One of the partners was annoyed by the fact that some of the roads that were blocked off but he still makes over a million a year, and had a ride to work, so...what's the problem? He also didn't have to get up any earlier or walk 12 blocks only to sit on a yellow school bus with an American Idol runner up. A couple people at work compared the strike to a form of terrorism. I just tried not to laugh. Calm down people no one is dropping any bombs.

Although I have made some new friends on my bus, the main inconvenience for me is that this strike has forced me to socialize more with my co-workers. Not to mention the fact that the "tea hostesses" didn't make it in so the snack cabinet is all locked up. I mean come on. Where is the contingency plan for that? How I am I supposed to get my 3pm sugar fix? Can't they send someone around with some cookies. You can't have cookies one day and not have cookies the next day. It just isn't right. If they can get buses to Staten Island then they surely can get someone to unlock the snack cabinet.

The office and streets are eerily quiet. Kind of nice. Jake worked from home but still managed to be a pain in my ass. Since the obsessive compulsive mailroom clerk was the only mailroom guy to show up, more time has been spent straightening the mail than actually delivering it. So what does this mean? It means the documents Jake wanted taken down to Blaine's office had to be hand delivered by me. And let me just tell you Blaine and I aren't the closest of friends. He is a senior partner. Partners are quite the enigma. I can't tell if they never learned social skills or they lost them along the way some how. Either way obnoxious.

So I go out of my way to drop off his papers because the mailroom is out of commission and he looks at me like I am a crazy person. "These are supposed to be in a binder." I just stood there looking at him. Then he sat there looking at me while chewing on his salad that had the most offensive odor. Or perhaps the odor was him. Either way it stunk in that office. Maybe that is just what 20 years of mergers and acquisitions will do to a man. Anyway I am still just standing there because it is 1:01 and technically I should be at lunch. I was just waiting for a thank you. I suppose I should have learned long ago that if I wait for that around here (with the senior partners) I will be waiting a long time. Then he says "These are supposed to be in a binder. This was supposed to be hole punched." And? I think to myself. I wasn't in charge of hole punching and bindering. I was just delivering it. Blaine is still looking at me with that face like I should know what he is thinking already. And I am still looking at him waiting for my thank you or at the very least a dismissal of some sort. So we are just looking at each other. Each of us clearly waiting for something we aren't going to get. Then, bam I figure out what he wants! He wants ME to hole punch it.

People around here sometimes have trouble asking for things. They make a statement and just assume that you know what it is they are talking about. And they just assume that you know you are the one who is supposed to do it. Like "the printer is out of paper." Ok. So, do you mean you want me to put paper in the printer? Or you just want me to know it is out of paper in case I was trying to print? "there is a jam in the copier." Once again. Am I supposed to fix that jam or...you just wanted me to know there is a jam? I don't get it.

Back to Blaine. I had already had a sneaking suspicion that those documents were supposed to be hole punched but I wasn't the one who made the copies and I wasn't the one who filled out the forms for duplication. I was merely the one who was kind enough to walk it all the way down to Blaine's office so he wouldn't have to wait for it to get there through inter-office mail. No one asked me to hole punch anything and like I said before I have a strict policy about not taking initiative so I decided that he could see to it being hole punched himself.

So Blaine is still looking at me with that, "get to it" face. And at this point even though I know what he wants taken care of, I pretend I don't. Who the fuck does he think he is? Well I know exactly who he thinks he is. He thinks he is important. He thinks what he says matters. Perhaps it matters to some people. And he might have Jake jumping through hoops to get him his copy of the latest credit agreement but I am not going to jump through anything for this guy. I am perhaps just as used to getting things my way as he is used to getting things his way. Let's just say I know how these people operate. "This was supposed to be hole punched." Puuulease. It was supposed to be hole punched? Sorry. Why don't you hole punch it? Surely you can manage that on your own. You made it to work today. You even managed to put on a tie. So clearly your motor skills are developed enough. All you have to do is put the paper in that little thing and push down. After a few moments of silence and him repeating his statement I said "oh". He looked at me amazed and astonished that I was not only still standing in his office but that the document in his hands was still NOT hole punched. Finally I gave in. My stomach was growling and I was running late. So I said "do you want me to hole punch it?" He said yes or something to that effect. So I dropped it off to be hole punched and crossed my fingers it would make it back to his office before he started bitching again about getting it back.

But other than Blaine, Aiken, and that other woman I had a very nice day. In fact I had a great day. Now let's just get this thing resolved guys so I don't have to spend any more time on a fucking school bus.

i'm bringing muffins

So we are having a little holiday party Wednesday up here on the 20th floor. We are all very excited. I was told to bring something and let Lydia know what it was so we could coordinate. Wouldn't want too many cookies and not enough bagels. Well I figured I would just pick up some muffins from the "Taz Cafe" on my way to work and that would be that. Well it turns out Angie is bringing muffins too. So I am supposed to go over there and figure it out. I offered to bring something else but she just told me to talk to Angie. Well what the fuck am I supposed to say? "Hey I was going to bring muffins but Lydia said you were gonna bring muffins so...what do you want to do about it?" It just seems like a really unnecessary conversation.

And just for the record, just so everybody knows I was the one who came up with the muffin idea first. I thought "yummmmm...I'll bring muffins." I told Lydia. So two days later Angie decides that she wants to bring muffins and now I have to figure something else out. Why can't she tell Angie to figure it out? Wasn't the whole point of me telling Lydia what I was bringing so she could tell other people not to bring that? She should have just said "yo Angie. Liz has got the muffins...think of something else."

Angie is always trying to get things to go her way. There is no reasoning with this woman. I guess muffins are the only option for her. There is NOTHING else she could possibly bring. You know what? That sure sounds like a problem to me - problem for Angie. I had dibs on the muffins since Thursday. Sorry you live in Jersey and you have to Park & Ride and can't stop at a grocery store to get something. Sorry that muffins are the only breakfast food that you are capable of baking. But why does that have to have any effect on what I am bringing? Seems like something Angie needs to deal with and not something that I should waste any more of my time thinking about. What has become of me? How did muffins ever become something that I thought about? Well Maybe I just wont bring anything at all. No one ate my Cinnamon Babka last year so why should I bring anything for these people.

By the way the fish I got for my boss was a big hit. Now he wont be so lonely in his office. I got him one of those "fighting fish". He seemed excited. But I fear I have gotten myself into a whole lot of fishbowl cleaning. I had a fish once. His name was Duce, may he rest in peace. Yes, after Duce Staley. Hence the spelling. Anyway he lasted my entire final semester and even the car ride home from Massachusetts, only to die after taking an unfortunate fall onto my dining room table. I felt really bad. But having Duce made me realize I can't take on that kind of responsibility. At least not now. I really don't want the death of another fish on my hands. I don't want to be responsible for a life. I can hardly take care of myself! But we shall see. Let's cross our fingers that this little guy at least makes it to the new year.

please bring marge back

I wish Marge hadn't taken the day off. Never thought I would hear myself say that. But if Marge were here things would be a lot less annoying. I definitely never thought I would hear myself say that. Wow. The woman who is sitting in for her today is notorious. Everyone knows her. Everyone is annoyed by her. She wears the same black pants and white shirt every day. It is like that episode of Seinfeld when he dates that girl that always wears the same outfit, and Jerry wonders if she has a whole closet full of them like Superman. I saw her in a pink shirt one day and sent out a mass email.

From the second she gets in, to the second she leaves non-stop chatter. In fact she is talking to me right now about how she is going to have to adjust Marge's chair to fit her proportions. Marge is after all a few inches shorter than Donna, and Donna has to visit the Chiropractor tomorrow afternoon and her back is already aching from sitting at Marge's chair. I am getting a 45 minute tutorial, as I type, about all the different features of my chair. Who knew? It can go higher, lower, left, right, it can even rock back and forth. The rocking is really the most important feature. Just so you know. Because if I am forced to waste extra space in my brain knowing that, then so are you.

Donna has now managed to adjust her chair to a position so enjoyable that she is forced to give off a moan. It's grossing me out. Of course now my chair is all fucked up because she got me to push some button. It is only 11:00 and she is making me want to kill myself. Everyone in the office talks about her. No one wants her to sit next to them. Who knew that there was that much to talk about? Even a hello on the elevator takes 10 minutes. She really talks until the doors close in her face. Now she is asking me about what my degree is in and telling me how hard it is to get a job.

At least with Marge I know what I am getting. I know how to deal. This woman has no shame. And while Marge will talk to me about what she did on the way to the ferry last night for about a half hour while I read my book she will at least stop talking eventually. I have also learned how to tune out the pitch of her voice to a certain extent. And since Marge is also entirely consumed by her job at least she stays busy acting busy and that is enough for her to leave me alone for a good part of the day. But Donna doesn't seem to mind not being busy. So she just talks. And talks. And talks. People walk by the desk and she starts a conversation with them. The minute she starts talking, you can see the fear in their eyes. They are already trying to get away. But she sucks you in. You don't even need to respond and she is still talking. God forbid you get stuck in the coffee room with her. Her poor Husband.

Oh yeah and she doesn't lick envelopes "because they might have anthrax on them". That is a direct quote. And get this she also walks to and from work with one of those surgical masks that doctors wear, like all those people who were afraid they were going to get SARS. I am not really sure what she is afraid she is going to get, but she already has a whole lot of crazy. And I can't imagine her coming down with something that would leave her any worse off. Was that mean? She's a real nut job. Now she is badgering me about why one of my work friends no longer works here. It is none of her business why she got fired. My lips are sealed.

To top it off all of my bosses are in today. Well not all. One of them moved to China. He called me in on Thursday and told me it was his last day. Very bizarre. But we said all of 2 words to each other in the last year so I wont miss him much. The only thing I am worried about is which jerk-off they are going to put in his place. The peons, I mean associates, are already running around checking out his office. Please don't let it be another tax guy. Tax lawyers are weird. At least with that guy I didn't have to do any work for him. But what if they put some new really demanding person in there? I will have to set the tone right off the bat. And why aren't any of my bosses taking a fucking vacation? Come on people. If I had as many vacation days left as you do I sure as hell wouldn't be here. It's the Holidays. Sure two of them are Jewish, but the other guy isn't. At least use up your days before the new year. It makes no sense at all. This isn't grade school they don't give out an attendance award at the end of the year.

When I gave them their gifts I marked it really clearly on ALL of their cards that they should take a vacation. What part didn't they understand? Whatever it is, it can wait until the new year. I can hold down the fort. I just don't get it. Why are they here? I also feel since I gave them their holiday gifts they should just back off and let me go home. When Matt and Andy gave me my birthday present (which was more then generous) I wouldn't have minded in the slightest if they had taken the rest of the day off.

But I guess it doesn't really work like that here. Oh well. And this woman wont shut up. At least she has to go to lunch at some point. In fact by now not only do I know where she is going to lunch, I know with who and when. My goodness.

another day another dollar

Well there was no strike and no moving to Puerto Rico. Here I am. Not that I would have minded a day off but I might as well save my last vacation day for something special, besides I am expecting a package at my office so I want to be here when it arrives. Apparently my firm really wants us all to come to work. We received about 15 emails in the last two days describing in incredible detail the firm's contingency plan. Clearly there was no way that they would be like "don't worry about it, stay home" so they gave us transportation alternatives. So if you don't show up for work it is because you are lazy.

If there were to be a strike at some point they would have yellow school buses picking people up on various street corners throughout the city. I was explaining to Nate yesterday that my firm's contingency plan would requiring me to walk 12 blocks and wait on some street corner for a bus to come. Of course due to the anticipated heavy traffic they can't say when exactly the bus would arrive. Sometime between 8:00am and whenever. And even if I did make it to the bus at the correct time my stop is the last stop, so I would be standing all the way to Manhattan. This is when Nate pointed out that I stand all the way to work most days anyway. This is when I told Nate to shut-up. Anywoo thank goodness none of that happened. And hopefully they will just give them what they want so we don't have to worry about it again. The greatest inconvenience would be that even if I were able to stand the 12 block walk to the school bus, no one from the mailroom would be able to make it in (they aren't allowed to ride the buses). That would mean every piece of interoffice mail that I wanted to send to the other floors I would probably have to walk down myself. Uh...I don't think so.

because i am the worst secretary EVER

I think I might just be the worst secretary in the entire history of the world. And I am not just saying that to flatter myself. I think it might actually be true. Really, I'm that bad at it. Notice I don't use the term "assistant". I have been an "assistant" before. Assistants assist people. I just sit here, mostly getting in the way and hoping not to be called upon. I of course put assistant on my resume, it sounds more professional. But let's get down to brass tacks people, I am a secretary. Even that term seems to embellish the reality of the situation. Seat warmer is probably a better term. I won't say secretary because some secretaries actually do work and I would hate to bring them all down to my level.

I want to help but I fear I only get in the way. Well I don't fear it, I don't really care. And actually I don't really want to help at all. But if they want to continue to pay me for writing on my blog and reading books, that's fine with me. I wish I wanted to help then perhaps I wouldn't get so annoyed when I had work to do. Yesterday for example, I had shit to do and it was really annoying. But most of the time they don't even want my help. I always mess things up. Everything...all the time. This is the first job I have had where I have made so many mistakes. I used to tell myself that it was because I was too smart for this position. Then I told myself that it was just because I didn't care enough to be mistake free. Now I have sort of realized it isn't because of any of those things. It is just because I am really bad at what I do.

I just never thought I would become this incompetent. They say "can you make two copies of this; give the original to Bob and give me the copy." Pretty easy and straight forward. But by the time I get to the copy room I have already forgotten how many copies I am supposed to make, who is supposed to get what, and which Bob. So I always end up having to go back and find out. And the copy room is like so far from my desk, so that's annoying. The second time I am told something I always write it down. Asking something three times is out of the question. But after I have written down what I am supposed to do clearly enough for even a three year old to understand, I head off to the copy room AGAIN only to realize I forgot the charge number.

Every second you spend working on anything at a law firm needs to be charged to a number. This is where the college education comes in handy. Instead of going back and asking again...I either figure it out on my own, or use another one I have memorized. You aren't really supposed to use the wrong number but if my boss can charge lunch to some random client because he lost his wallet then I say charging a couple of copies to the wrong number isn't so bad. It is not malicious. Just out of laziness. I believe in Karma so if they are overcharged for copies then they will probably be undercharged for something else. I know this kid. Let's call him "Rob". Well he told me when he worked at a law firm he would misfile documents on purpose! Now that's gutsy. I would never do anything like that.

I can't really follow direction very well and I have a terrible memory. I spend too much energy trying to pay attention and not enough energy actually listening. I don't really take messages all too well either. What I really hate is when they sit in their office and blatantly ignore the ringing telephone. So I pick it up and put whoever it is into voicemail. They of course come running out to find out who it was. "uh...I'm not sure. He wanted to go into voicemail...I'm not sure." If you wanted to know who it was so bad why didn't you pick up the fucking phone? Am I supposed to get the name of every person who calls? Well maybe I am, I don't know. But it seems like voicemail is there for that exact purpose. Telling them who called.

I hate being bad at what I do. I guess if I cared enough I could get better. But my main concern is how could I be so bad at something so easy? I went to college. I have had jobs that required much more mental capacity than this. So what gives? And what will happen if someone actually gives me a real job one day? They must think I am really stupid. Maybe I am stupid. How is this possible? Make copies, answer the phone. Seems pretty cut and dry. I just always seem to mess something up. Half the time since I am so used to just sitting here I forget to do whatever it is they ask of me. How do you forget to do something when it is the only thing you have to do?

Maybe all those people at all those job interviews I have been on in the last year saw something that that the people who hired me here didn't see. Maybe they see a lazy inept fool. Hmmm. Maybe that is why I have been unable to find new employment in the last year. Maybe they can somehow tell I am really bad at my job and don't want to hire me. Maybe it is me and not them. Nah. It's them. But perhaps I should rethink my approach.

But I can think later. I will spend most of the day hoping no one gives me any work to do because I have a book I have been trying to finish for the last week. It is just so hard to concentrate on fine literature when people are constantly interrupting you to make copies. Sometimes I wonder if my bosses have any idea how incredibly happy and relieved I become once they go to a meeting. I wish they could be in meetings all day long. That is the first thing I do in the morning, check to see if they have any meetings. If they do I know that at least for that hour or so they won't be bothering me. Let me tell you it is the best feeling in the world to just sit here and not have to worry about some guy coming out and handing me a bunch of papers I will inevitably lose or misfile. Not on purpose like "Rob"…but just because I am the worst secretary ever.

So what is everybody doing if there is actually a transit strike tomorrow? I am seriously debating just quitting my job and moving to Puerto Rico. Who's coming?

i'm tired

I just have one question. How can someone who does so little all day be as exhausted as I am right now? I mean really. This is a bit ridiculous. I can hardly keep my eyes open. I even went to bed early last night. I don't work hard at all. In fact the hardest part of the day for me is figuring out what I want for lunch and getting Marge to shut-up about how cold she is. Everyday, all day about how her hands "are like ice". Jesus fucking Christ give me a break. I suppose I could start exercising or something but even though they say it gives you endorphins or whatever I am convinced it will just make me more tired. I am turning the big 2-4 Saturday so no major life decisions will be made until then. When I procrastinate I like to give myself dates in which the procrastination must stop and thinking about doing something about whatever it is must start. Sort of like a snooze button on life. So I don't have to think about anything until my birthday is over. Well, not really even until the Monday following my birthday. Sunday is after all the day of rest.

Anyway let's just hope I make it to the weekend. It is really fucking freezing outside today. But apparently I have no concept of what the temperature is outside when I wake up because I decided to wear a skirt today. I am determined not to let this weather keep me from looking cute! But I am not exactly looking forward to the walk to the train.

I really don't know where this exhaustion comes from but it is starting to take its toll. At least no one has come up to me and said "you really look tired." That is always so rude. But a few more days of this...whatever this is, and people will be talking. Honestly I have been kinda messed up since happy hour last WEDNESDAY. I must look like a crazy person. My hair has been all out of place ever since I got this haircut and as Katherine pointed out I need to use more conditioner. But she just doesn't understand the nature of curly hair. Conditioner can only do so much. Anyway I feel like shit and I fear it is going to start to show soon.

Hopefully I will get a full 9 hours of sleep this evening with no interruptions. I will have to remind the roomie not to slam the door so hard in the morning. I wish I could remind whoever it was looking through the trash at 5:00am right outside my window last night, not to do it so loudly. But the lack of sleep isn't the only thing that is making me tired. It is the realization of how much work life is. Just simply maintaining sanity is hard enough. Forget it if you have actual responsibilities like kids or a "real" job. No wonder people go crazy. It isn't easy. Sometimes I see those little kids all bundled up in their strollers and think, they don't know how good they have it.

Erin and I were discussing how much energy it takes to simply live. Waking up, going to work, eating, buying toothpaste, changing light bulbs, doing laundry, paying bills, buying new Brita filters, the list goes on and on. Life is just non-stop with lists of things that need to get done. How ironic that the only time I don't have to actually get things done is when I am at work. It is once I leave here that the work actually starts. So we should all give ourselves a big pat on the back for doing whatever we are doing well enough to still be alive and somewhere with a relatively stable internet connection.

I have still yet to see a penny from this Christmas bonus everyone is talking about. They always give one, they even sent a memo around about it. So what's the secret for? Can't you just tell us WHEN we are getting it so we can do our shopping accordingly? What if I had children to buy presents for. The delay has already meant that I can't order the gifts I want for my bosses in order for them to arrive on time. Oh well. That just means I have to physically enter a store and buy something. Can't remember the last time I did that. So I decided to get Andy some fish he really wants some for his office. He already has the tank and the food and it looks so sad and empty with no fish. He kept saying "next week 'we' are going to buy fish". "We" of course meant me. So I figured I might as well just buy the suckers and stick a card on his desk. He is very stressed out and fish might make him a little happy. Matt eats Subway all the time, so I think I will get him a gift card. I wish I could afford to get him something nicer but that will just have to wait for when he makes partner. The other two, well haven't quite figured that one out but Jake likes bikes so something with bikes. Well it is about time for me to punch out. Or at least turn my computer off very slowly and sneak out before it is actually 5:30. Marge doesn't like it when I leave early.

fly eagles fly...on the road to victory

The only thing worse than watching the Eagles lose is watching the Eagles lose to the Giants. The only thing worse than watching the Eagles lose to the Giants, is watching the Eagles lose to the Giants with Giants fans. They disgust me. Giants fans that is. Unfortunately by moving to NY I have surrounded myself with them. They are everywhere. It makes my skin crawl really. One sort of even lives in my house. Gross. You meet someone talk to them. You might even like them, then it comes out. They are a Giants fan. At that point it really is imperative to reevaluate the friendship and ask yourself if they mean enough to you for you to look beyond their football loyalties. Sometimes the answer is yes, sometimes the answer is no.

I have started more fights than I care to admit over the Eagles/Giants rivalry. I just can't help myself. I also have the luxury of being a woman so most men are afraid to hit me. Let's just say I can get away with a lot. I guess they think it is "cute" or whatever. They only get annoyed once it becomes clear I actually know what I am talking about, and if I mention Tiki Barber's penchant for fumbling - that gets them mad too.

Once on South Street, which is pretty much the heart of Philadelphia, I got some guy punched in the face by accident. I think it was the year of the second NFC championship loss, it has been hard to keep track. Anyway, he was out on the street corner screaming "let's go Giants, let's go Giants". The Eagles had just lost the last game of the season to these very Giants by a score of 10-7, it wasn't pretty. Even though we were on our way to the NFC championship game and the Giants were on their way to losing to San Francisco (in the most unfortunate way if I recall correctly), I couldn't let it slide.

Something clicked inside and there was nothing I could do. All I remember is that in a matter of seconds I was in his face talking not only about how much the Giants sucked but about how much he sucked. I guess he thought I was flirting with him because he wouldn't stop. My friend had to pull me away. I was irate. How dare he. Next thing I know my friend says "someone just punched him in the face." A little crowd formed and we just kept walking. It was his own fault really. I just wish I had turned around a second earlier to see it. Not that I like people getting beat up. But well...I guess there is no nice way to say what I am thinking so I just wont say anything at all. But all that was in Philadelphia. It is different here. I bleed green and I am not afraid to show it! But I would prefer not to get beat up by a bunch of crazy people. I try to keep my mouth shut in public. Try would be the key word in that sentence.

I just don't get it, they all of a sudden get a new QB and a fancy wide receiver and they think they are the best team in the league. They aren't even the best team in the NFC. They aren't even the best team in their division! Just so smug. Eli Manning is a twerp and Jeremy Shockey is just an asshole.

It was a close game, overtime in fact. The Eagles are down to their third string everything. Someone must have sold their soul to get to the Super Bowl last year that's all that I can say. The Giants are supposed to be good right? Whatever. I guess I can feel good about the fact that we took the Giants to OT with Mike McMahon, Reno Mahe, and Ryan Moats. Who are they you ask? Exactly. The only thing I feel good about is the fact that I was able to keep myself from smacking Sam in the back of the head. I haven't felt this way since the 6-9-1 season. 3-13 didn't really happen.

I tried to keep my cool, I really did. But Sam was sitting in front of me and I had to do everything in my power not to hit him. I even had permission from his girlfriend. When the Eagles were on top of the division for oh so many years no one heard me gloating and rubbing it in. Because the second you get cocky someone breaks an ankle or goes on IR. The second you start talking about how good you are, your team gets shut out by the Lions or something like that. Sam just kept making me so angry. I don't know if he was doing it on purpose maybe he just couldn't help it. Maybe there is just something inherent in all Giants fans that just makes me hate them. I don't know. I suppose though it is ok because of all people for me to repeatedly say "I HATE YOU" to, over a football game Sam might be the only one who really understands. I really fucking hate the Giants. And I really did hate Sam for a few hours yesterday afternoon. Anyway we will be back on top next year. Besides Super Bowl 41 has a nicer ring to it than Super Bowl 40 anyway. And Detroit is cold.

What's wrong with me? How did it get to this point? Threatening friends, telling them I hate them. I have way too much invested in the Eagles. With yesterday's loss they were officially eliminated from the playoffs. That means there is absolutely no way for them to win the Super Bowl. Many probably would say that I should have realized that a while ago. But as long as the playoffs were a mathematical possibility I had to have hope. It isn't going to happen this year, I have to deal with that...unless maybe a couple of teams just quit and decide to stop playing. But I don't think that will happen. Now I can just look forward to next year. Oh yeah and I also get to look forward to seeing the Giants/Cowboys lose in the playoffs. That is always fun.

Now I must go. My boss lost his cell phone AGAIN. He thinks he left it on a plane. I have to find it. Well I don't know what he wants me to do since the plane is already on its way back to San Francisco. I don't think he realizes that they wont send out a search crew for his missing phone. I told him it is ridiculous that he lost it for like the fourth time this year and he was like "are you my mother?" No. I am not. And that is exactly why I shouldn't be looking for his fucking cell phone. If he has to get a new one I sure as hell am NOT programming the numbers in again.

the days of our lives

Well I decided to take a sick day today. Just what I needed to recharge. Woke up, got dressed, just couldn't make it. I was taking a half day anyway and two of my bosses are out so what the heck, I certainly didn't have any work to do. Catching up on my Days of our Lives and sleeping all day. What more could I ask for? It is actually pretty nice outside. Very sunny. I had a bunch of crap to do this afternoon including renewing my drivers license and cashing in a gift card at target but that will have to wait for another day. Haven't seen Days in a while but Carrie and Austin are back in the picture. I am sure Sammy is still getting into trouble. Jennifer is convinced Jack is dead...again. But let's be honest, people on these shows never die. You would think after he went missing and came back for the fifth time she would have figured it out. That or at least moved out of Salem. Must have the highest death/kidnapping rate in the whole country. But I suppose it is just a soap opera. Now I must leave you and continue sitting on the couch.

its supposed to be funny

So this blog was intended to be funny. Just a quick snapshot into my life and a nice way for me to vent. I was informed yesterday that were a psychologist to stumble upon this site they would be very concerned. Although I highly doubt any reputable psychologists are trolling the internet looking at my blog, if they are I would just like them to know I am fine. I am not crazy. I am just expressing my frustrations. This is really just supposed to be funny. Don't be concerned. Don't be worried. I am not some deranged lunatic. I am not a hateful person full of anger ready to explode. If you don't see the humor then don't read it. Not trying to be mean, once again, just trying to be funny. Most I italicize the sarcasm so people don't take me too seriously? Another note what I write about is my personal experience so if you don't relate or can't agree sorry. Sure I get a little out of hand but once again - let's say it together - it's supposed to be funny.

i'm not psychic

So apparently I am supposed to be psychic. Coulda fooled me. I thought I was just supposed to sit here, answer the phone, and take messages. How come when people call they expect me to know who they are? Our caller ID doesn't work for people outside of the office. Duh. I suppose they are too self-involved to realize that there are in fact many people who do not know who they are and that by simply hearing their voice, their name and number does not automatically pop into my head.

It happens all the time; they say their name in one big slur and rattle off their phone number in about two seconds. Most of the time I haven't even had a chance to put down my book let alone pick up a pen. 90% of the people that call are in a rush or already annoyed. They are rushed because their boss is breathing down their neck to do get done whatever it is that they are paid to get done and they are annoyed because they have to do it. The fact that they hear me pick up the phone only adds to their annoyance because they know they wont get to talk to whoever it is they are trying to call.

Well it isn't my fault that you are stuck at a miserable job so don't take it out on me. The fact that I can relate to their misery makes me even more upset, because I hate my job yet I don't go around in a fuss yelling at people and barking orders. How can you call someone up ask them to take a message for you and be rude about it? Please. I realize we all have bad days and can't always be nice but give me a break.

I have never spoken with 95% of these people before and I sure as hell doubt they know my name, so why should I know theirs? There are all kinds of callers. Some announce their name right away seeming assured that once I find out who they are Matt or Andy will immediately appear on the other end of the phone. But I never know who they are. Doug James is no different to me than Karen Stewart or Samantha Fisher. You could be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company calling from the hot tub of your private jet and it wouldn't make a difference to me, I am still not going out of my way for you. Unless you are really nice. But they are never really nice.

Most people just get very annoyed that they have to leave a message at all and inaudibly say their name and phone number a million miles and hour. This is where the psychic part comes in. I guess I am supposed to know what they are saying even though they are incapable of speaking into the phone. Kids today with their fancy speakerphone! Since it is apparently physically impossible for anyone to actually pick up their handset while talking on the phone I suggest all law schools teach their students how to turn their bodies and speak directly into the phone. Shouting orders at your computer that is a good four feet away in the opposite direction of the phone wont due. Maybe this class could involve some kind of internship where they get real world experience talking to assholes who can't manage to speak into the phone. Just an idea.

Anyway. When it becomes evident that whoever is calling can't quite take a hint and doesn't ask to go into voicemail I resign myself to taking a message. Unfortunately I have had far too many conversations that involve, "excuse me", "can you say that again", "pardon me" or countless other polite ways of saying "what the fuck is your problem I can't understand you, slow down."

This morning I spoke with a woman who by all accounts is probably very normal. Maybe she has some kids or something. I don't know. But she can't even say her own name. "Marsmth." "Excuse me, I didn't catch your name." "Marsmth." Well that was much more clear thanks. "I'm sorry could you repeat that?" I think "is that her first name or last name? or both?" This happens all the time. JUST TALK INTO THE PHONE DAMN IT!!!! They get all annoyed and act as if I am the incompetent one. But at least I know how to pronounce my name.

Some times I ask them to spell it if I don't think they can speak more clearly. It is funny people really hate spelling their name. Especially if it is a pretty common name." M-A-R-Y S-M-I-T-H." "Ok. Got it." Sometimes I just say the wrong name over and over until they adjust their seat so they are speaking directly into the speakerphone. This is the most fun. "Gerry?" "nomar" "Marie" NOOOMAR!" "Naomi?" "No Mary. Mary Smith" "oh ha-ha. I couldn't hear you. I'll have him give you a call."

When I get these callers I just take my time. I can tell my incompetence really bothers them and they are wishing they had gone straight to voicemail. Well I am wishing that too. But nooooo you wanted me to take the message so you are going to answer my questions and answer them in an intelligible way. I take my time because as annoyed as I am that I am talking to them they are way more annoyed that I haven't been able to take their message quicker. I suppose I sort of get off on annoying them a little. I guess they would just prefer to say "marsmth6319027inrefbaldwinmaathavimallme" Translated "Mary Smith 631-9027 in reference to the Baldwin matter. Have him call me." See if she had just said that to begin with we would be done.

Getting phone numbers from these people is just as impossible. I am lucky I can remember my number let alone one that was rattled of in 1.5 seconds. I demand these people, these fast-low talkers repeat their numbers to me as many times as needed, until I am almost pretty sure that I think I have it written down correctly. I am a firm believer that being able to clearly state your name and number into a phone should be a requirement BEFORE getting any kind of employment offer. But what do I know?

who raises these people

Well of course the trains were extremely fucked up this morning. They sent us on a wild goose chase trying to figure out how to get where we wanted to go. These interruptions in service used to be more distressing to me but then I realized every minute I spend waiting on the train is one less minute I have to spend in front of my computer at work. I just sort of go with the flow and if I am late, who cares? None of my bosses ever come in early enough to notice. And besides the MTA does the best they can and while I am annoyed I am late for work some MTA employee was probably getting fired or yelled at or cursed at for something that wasn't even their fault.

Due to a fire at the East Broadway stop every F train had a mind of its own. Not even the conductors knew what was going on. I am always amazed at how feisty people get so early in the morning. I tend to glide to work half asleep ignoring anything and everything until about 10:00. I suppose if you have a big meeting or they are watching you like a hawk you had better get to work on time. But if that is the case then I would suggest you leave a little extra time getting to work in the morning. Especially when there is a weather advisory. Not that the weather had anything to do with the delays but had they given themselves extra time this morning because of the storm that was supposed to come they would not have been in such a hurry. On a morning when delays are expected even if the delays were caused by something else they were still "expected" so you should have been prepared. I'm just saying, that's all.

Anyway, I always let those crazy people who must get to work as soon as humanly possible pile into the train before me. (I just don't get it, who ever wants to get to work that bad? If the trains aren't running it isn't your fault. Surely they can't fire you for that. Just enjoy being late.) If they want to get on that hot, stinky, crowded car just to be at work all day...go right ahead. You know who you are. Everyone knows who you are. The ones with a crazy look in their eye determined to get into the car as if the train standing in the station is the very last train ever! They push and shove and move from car to car trying to find space that isn't there. They also always seem to have an enormous back pack that of course prevents the doors from closing making everybody just that much later to work.

They annoy the crap out of me. They hold the doors open and look inside to see if they can fit. They never can, but they always try. They squeeze into a space that they have no business squeezing into all while knocking over innocent bystanders. They make it almost impossible for the people already in the train to stand. As a smaller person I am always forced to feel the brunt of the situation. They think since I am small they can take up my space. Well I say we institute a new rule. It doesn't matter how big or how small you are you are only allotted so much room in the train. There is always some man who sees me and decides that I don't matter and tries to make my space in the train his. Well I was taught at a very young age not to give my space to anyone...so I don't budge and do my best to make him as uncomfortable as he is making me. I sure bet if I were a sweaty 300 pound smelly man they wouldn't want to get so close and would probably decide to wait for the next train.

They cause so much annoyance to everyone in the train and all because they need to get where they are going. Well news flash asshole we all need to get where we are going. The most frustrating part is that in most of these cases there is another (emptier) train arriving about 30-60 seconds later. I usually go for that one. So I really don't see the point in making life difficult for everyone else on the train because you can't wait another minute. Maybe it is just because I have zero responsibility and never have to be anymore remotely important, so I can't possibly understand what would possess people to be so brutish. Wait. I take that back. I have in fact had to be somewhere slightly important. And every time I do, even though I am only going someplace slightly important, I always leave extra time in case of any delays. Note to all those people who insist on holding up the train why don't you just do us all a favor and take a cab. But I digress.

Anyway what happened to me this morning was beyond rude. It was borderline assault. We are waiting for the train to take off and of course the car is stuffed to the gills. I am standing closest to the doors leaving plenty of room for people to get by. But at this point there is no room for anyone to get on the car. Hardly anyone is even attempting. I am standing there holding my breath in because there is barely room to breathe. I figure people can't be that dumb and no more people will try to get on. Then! All of a sudden out of nowhere this woman bends her knees and rams into me, with her elbow! I go flying into all the people standing in the middle of the car and let out a scream. It was like I had passed out and woken up in the middle of a WWF championship match.

"ahhhhhhhhh. EXCUSE ME!!!!!!" I was in shock. I'm still in shock! I had almost lost my balance. "well sorry." She said it in this tone like I should have expected her to push me. Like I was sooo unreasonably in the way that I needed someone to knock me down. Like I woke up this morning knowing some woman was going to try and take me out just for a spot on the train. Like she was doing everybody a favor by putting me in my place. Please. Actually everyone on the train was looking at HER like she was the crazy person. "Well you didn't have to elbow me. Do you really want to get to work that bad?" That is what I said. This attack couldn't be ignored. She didn't respond. I suppose she realized that her actions were a bit much. But probably not.

She disgusts me! She really felt entitled to MY spot on the train. With that short little blond bob that all women over 50 have. Yuck. Even all the makeup she was wearing couldn't cover up the years of sun damage. But now I am just being mean. But not even an "excuse me" and then a push? That, sure I can understand that. Say excuse me, and if I don't move, push me. Or push me and then say excuse me. But she just pushed with no excuse me and no warning whatsoever! Unbelievable. I have been pushed on the train before but never with such contempt, with such force. She had pure anger in her eyes. I am getting all riled up just thinking about it!

I can't even imagine what was going through her head. There was nowhere for me to go. Nowhere! And I am not just saying that because I liked where I was standing. There was really nowhere to go. The train was packed. And even if there was a small little space in the corner where I could have fit why should I go out of my way to make room for someone who has no concept of human decency. For someone who literally just pushes people out of the way just because they can. Everyone was already frustrated enough and she has to come along and make everything worse.

What did she want me to do? Go sit on someone's lap? There is always another train coming. Always. Every time one leaves the station there is ALWAYS another one on the way. Always. It might take a while but it always comes. She didn't look that important. Where did she really need to be? If you are that late for work that you need to body slam someone to get there set your alarm a little earlier. It is just unbelievable. Who raises these people? Where does she get off? I wish I knew how to upload video clips because I would make one just to show you all how out of hand it was. I was practically launched into mid-air.

This woman should be pretty glad I am a non-violent kind of person because the thoughts that went through my head were vicious. She is also lucky I am not crazy. You never know these days. You can't go around pushing random people. What if I had been some kind of lunatic? What if I had had a gun and her attack was enough to send me on a shooting spree? What if I had some kind of chemical imbalance and she was the one to push me over the edge. Sure I look harmless but she better watch out or one day she is going to knock over the wrong person. That isn't a threat. I'm just trying to help her out.

So the doors close and we are on our way. I got pushed to the back and was holding on for dear life to a pole that was almost out of reach. I managed to compose myself. I didn't want there to be any question in anyone's mind as to who was at fault in this situation. As I did my best to play victim I entertained all the terrible things I could do to her in my mind while I made nasty faces at the back of her head. "May she be well" I kept saying in-between thoughts of cursing her out and visions of me knocking her down as hard as she knocked me. I decided to just leave it all to Karma. Things usually work themselves out. Besides there were witnesses and I wouldn't want to get into any kind of trouble.

"are you ready for christmas?"

Well here I am. Here again. As always just sitting here. Listening to Marge huss and fuss over an expense report and talk about the weather, while I contemplate how to use my remaining two vacation days. We only get off the 26th. I wasn't too good about saving mine up so it looks like I will just be here a lot in the next couple weeks, while everyone else is sleeping-in and stuffing their face. How I managed to blow 21 vacation days this year without actually going on vacation I will never know.

I am searching the internet looking for things to get people for the Holidays. At my mother's request I am adding some stuff to my birthday wish list. But at this age the only things I want are things that "you can't buy in a store." Well that and money. But the parents aren't really big on giving money. Gone are the days when all I wanted was an easy bake oven or a Barbie doll. I wish it were that easy.

My biggest task now that mercury is no longer in retrograde is buying gifts for my four bosses. What do you get people you don't know very well? And have the power to get you fired. I feel like they get a present everyday, just by seeing my smiling face greet them in the morning. Funny even though I am Jewish I still manage to spend a shit ton of money on Christmas presents. I know what I am going to get them I just have to wait for that year end bonus to come through. Can't really buy anyone anything until I get it. They sent out a memo telling us we are getting it. But they neglected to tell us when. How nice, keep us wondering and waiting for our cash. Keep us hanging on and making sure nobody gives notice until the very last possible moment. Just so they can squeeze as much out of us as they can before people throw up their hands and say "eh. That can wait until the new year."

But enough about presents for other people and let's get back to me.

Being Jewish around the holiday's is an interesting experience. It is just weird to not be a part of something that the entire country automatically assumes you are part of. It can definitely get annoying. I will try to not get as annoyed this year. It is just that people assume that what is true about their lives it is true about everyone else's. They also can't possibly understand how it is physically possible for a human in this country to survive without Christmas. Well Santa never brought me presents (even though I was forced to write him letters in grade school after repeatedly telling the teacher I didn't celebrate Christmas) so I am a perfect example of a person who can survive without Christmas.

It just gets annoying when I am around people that don't know I am Jewish. They ask me "What are you doing for Christmas?" "Well actually I am Jewish, so I will probably just order Chinese food. ha-ha." I try to be nice and funny in my response. Some people get that "now it all makes sense look" but there is almost always an immediate reaction of shock as if everything they had ever known about me has turned out to be false. It is as if they can't even comprehend not celebrating Christmas and that in turn my life must be devoid of all joy and happiness. They actually feel sorry for me. (The only thing I feel sorry about is having to buy a thousand people presents for a holiday I don't even celebrate. Plus Christmas takes attention away from my birthday month. Because that is what December is really about, right?)

After the shock of me being Jewish has worn off they immediately get very defensive as if I have just accused them of being an anti-Semite. It isn't like I take offense to their question, I just don't have any plans for Christmas because I am Jewish. They asked what I was doing, so I told them. They just always get so uncomfortable like they have never seen a Jew before. Or like they expected me to have horns or I all of a sudden grew a huge wart on my face. Believe me I have tried every possible response to that question but no matter what you say "nothing special/dinner at a friend's house/no plans", unless you lie it always come back to "well, because I'm Jewish" at some point, so I might as well throw it out there. There are of course plenty of times where when told to enjoy the holiday I just say "Thank you, you too." Or when asked how my Christmas was I simply say "it was great." Who doesn't like a free day off? So it isn't like I am flinging my Judaism around at them. I would just as soon them not know because that way I could avoid the following:

Many people upon finding out I am Jewish throw in the "well my dad's mother was Jewish." Ya know so they can relate to the oppression my people have suffered over the last 5,000 or so years. I mean I guess that is why they do it. It just seems pointless, I don't go around telling them my Dad's mother used to be whatever it is they are. It is basically them saying to me. "Well, we had a Jew in the family so you are ok by my book. Really I don't mind Jews at all." Great. Really takes a load off my shoulders.

After coming out as Jewish they then proceed to ask "what are your plans are for Chanukah." Trying to give my holiday as much credence as theirs. Like they are willing to accept my differences. My plans? "I don't know, nothing". "Nothing. Well you should do something!" "Well Chanukah isn't that big of a holiday." "Oh really?" Sometimes if I am in a bitchy mood I will throw in the "and ya know we don't get days off for it...so what can you do?" Clearly I don't think you should get days of for Chanukah, but if someone is being overly obnoxious I like to make them feel bad about it. Then they say "well, they really should give some days off for that. It just isn't fair" or something like that. They all of a sudden become card carrying members of the anti-defamation league.

After me inevitably having to explain what Chanukah is to them in a very half hearted manner because it gets exhausting always having to explain every holiday to every person. And they always need something explained to them. "is that the one where you...?" "oh you eat those big crackers right?" "no. that is Passover and they aren't crackers." Frankly I don't really care if they know what I do for my holidays so why should I be responsible for educating them? And if they really cared they could simply do a google search. But they don't care they just want to relate. Either that or they want to annoy me.

Now that the conversation has taken much more time out of my day and too many minutes out of my life that I will NEVER get back the whole eight nights thing comes up. It always comes up. When I was little and feeling a little insecure about my holiday I would use that as proof that Chanukah was in fact better than Christmas. Now that I am older I don't care. "I mean it is eight nights." It is like they think since it lasts a week it must some how be exciting. Eight crazy nights? More like eight crazy nights of getting socks.

Since Chanukah is after all a minor Jewish Holiday I am convinced we only get presents for it because since it is so close to Christmas it managed to get wrapped up in the whole capitalist plan to dominate the world. Since most people are ignorant they think "well Chanukah is close to Christmas it must be a really important holiday." Well it isn't. Sure presents are nice but I assume most parents were guilted into it. If their child was asked what did you get for Chanukah and they answer "nothing", they would seem like pretty cold hearted parents. If Chanukah took place in June I am pretty sure most Jewish people wouldn't even celebrate it. And if they did there certainly wouldn't be any presents involved.

Anyway below is my real birthday wish list. I am not saying birthday slash Chanukah wish list because my birthday is special enough. So these are some of the things I want that "can't be bought in a store."

...listed in order of importance

1. World peace

2. Social/racial equality

3. A new president - one with a brain

4. No more prisons - or the death penalty for that matter.

5. I wish the country to be purged of all the red states (except for the blue people in the red states) and while we are at it get rid of the red people in the blue states. (If this was done 2,3, and 4 probably wouldn't be as much of an issue - so maybe I should move this one up?)

6. Free money for poor people and HEAVY taxes and financial penalties for rich people - it works the other way around so it might be fun to switch it up. Oh and the rich people should not get to have health insurance or heat either. Just for a little while so they see what it feels like. I wouldn't want it to stay that way because that would make me as bad as them. They can get their money back and heat after a couple months. For health insurance they have to wait a year. They will be the first ones to tell you it shouldn't be a universal right - so see how they like it when their kid is sick and they can't get medicine. Not that I am advocating for kids to get sick. But you get what I am saying. Ok scratch that. Their kids can have health insurance but they can't. Well I don't know. That still seems pretty harsh. They can have it but we will tell them they can't have it and let the panic set in for a few minutes then just be like "just kidding!" But we will still take their money. Because if hard work actually equaled how much money you make I would be sleeping on a subway car tonight and the homeless man who makes his living collecting cans and bottles would be in the penthouse at the Ritz-Carlton. Anyway, enough with #6.

7. Free wireless internet access for everyone

8. A new job

9. The perfect pair of boots that I am convinced is out there somewhere, they just haven't found me yet.

There is more but once we get these things taken care of we can work on the rest.

Man I am really bored today. Maybe I will start a rumor at work that I am pregnant. These women LOVE to talk. That might be fun.

"are you going to the christmas party?"

It has finally arrived. The company Holiday party. I only plan on staying long enough to eat dinner and have as many free drinks as possible without getting so drunk that I make inappropriate comments to my co-workers. I only have one friend in the office so she and I will probably just sit, look at everyone, and hope that we don't stay at the firm long enough to turn into them. I am also hoping as I stated yesterday to walk away with a prize.

Everyone is very giddy about the party. Except for Marge, who isn't going. She is "too partied out". She went the first five years they had it and I suppose it was all she can handle. It is all people are talking about. "Are you going to the Christmas party?" "What are you wearing to the Christmas party?" "Ready for the Christmas party?" You would think these people have nothing better to talk about.

I am not sure how much they spend on the party but the dry ice machine they had last year must have at least set them back a couple thousand. I know people like parties and all but I would just as soon have them divvy up the money they spend on the party and add it to our year end bonus. This party must cost a small fortune between renting the hall, food, DJ, cars home, door prizes, and of course the open bar. They must spend thousands on the open bar alone, these people can drink, last year they ran out of Jack Daniels before the Hors Doeuvres were served. I sure do hope they have those tasty stuffed mushrooms again.

Anyway I don't often attend parties this fancy, and I assume after I get a new job I will never attend a party this fancy again. Think of the most lavish wedding you have ever been to multiply it by ten and add a bunch of self-righteous millionaires to the mix. Get the picture? It isn't as bad as you would imagine. The music pretty much drowns out whatever it is they are saying. So you simply nod and sip your drink.

Hopefully this party will help me relax a little. The Sagittarius moon has made things pretty hectic. I also deleted about 60 pages of a document by accident yesterday afternoon and then clicked save. Oops. Apparently after you hit save there is no way to get that other stuff back. Oops. The computer, as smart as it is still has no safeguard against stupidity. Who does that? I just highlighted a big ol' chunk and deleted it. Of course after learning at an early age to "save early, save often" I immediately clicked save. It was all gone. I could literally feel my face getting bright red. I felt really bad. Everything turned out ok but I felt pretty fucking stupid having to fess up to what I did. Anyway the cocktail hour before dinner is served should be a nice way to relax.

Unfortunately/fortunately I have plans for this evening and wont be able to stay too long. I left early last year and apparently missed all the craziness. Yes it isn't just a cliché people do get a little out of hand at their company Holiday parties. Too bad I missed it.

I also just found out that for some reason my firm does not invite the people that work in the copy room. What kind of place is this? They come to work everyday all day. And for the most part they do all the shit no one else wants to deal with. I guess fixing everyone's paper jams and making all their copies isn't enough to get you an invite. I didn't get invited to the Holiday party of the last place I worked because I was a "temp" even though I really wasn't. That hurt my feelings.

Part of me feels like I shouldn't go out of protest. None of the employees of the mail room have been invited either. Well the supervisor has been, but no one else. I am not really sure why but it seems like all the people who do all the running around at this place are getting screwed once again.

I told Jill, from the mail room, that I would not enjoy the party as much because she was not there. Which is true. She told me that I should enjoy it even more and have fun for her. So I told her I would have a cocktail on her behalf. She then warned me not to drink too much because she didn't want to hear any stories about me Monday morning. I can't make any promises but I don't really see myself dancing on table tops and cursing out my boss. Well maybe that last one is a slight possibility but I will do my best to stay in line.

the small things in life

After hearing that my blog is a bit of a downer and quite overwhelming I decided to lighten it up a bit. Especially after that last post. Just so you know I am not on the verge of killing myself (or someone else for that matter) here are some of the small things that have brightened my day!

I finally learned how to spell the word necessary without using spell check. Or at least at this point I can spell it close enough to the actual spelling so spell check will give me some options. So that's nice. Nothing worse than having spell check not even be able to recognize a word you wrote. Now if I could only get unfortunately and definitely down I would really have a reason to celebrate.

The Hale and Hearty Soup in my office building has brought back the creamy chicken with rice. Delicious.

I am wearing brown socks, which for whatever reason makes me happy. They don't come up high enough for these boots though, and have been sliding down all day long. I knew this would happen. Why do I always insist on making my life more complicated than necessary (see I really can spell it!)? I knew that I would spend the entire day pulling them up, yet I still decided to wear them. Why? Because I like the color brown and I wanted to wear brown socks. I can't even see my socks so what does it matter what color they are? Oh I don't know.

I get free car home from the Christmas party tomorrow night and maybe I will walk away with a prize. Let's all cross our fingers that I win some extra vacation days and not that $15 gift certificate to Au Bon Pain they have every year.

I don't think I caught anything from the homeless man who pushed me off the corner of Broadway and Houston the other night. That's good.

Jill, the lady from the mailroom, is finally feeling better.

My Ipod made wonderful musical selections for me on my way to work this morning.

Marge hasn't even attempted conversation today which is always very nice.

As of this morning google stock is at $409.90!

As Nate pointed out I can always take solace in the fact that he will always have a better job than me. So that makes me feel warm and fuzzy inside.

Tomorrow is Friday.

And the most important thing that put a smile on my face is that although I know there are many doubters out there, the Eagles still have not been mathematically eliminated from the playoffs! E-A-G-L-E-S EAGLES!!!!!!

I had better end this post now because my boss is asking me to track down his PS2. It was broken. He sent it to someone named Louis in Phoenix a couple of weeks ago...he thinks. That's all I know. Anyway he wants to know when he is getting it back. That should be fun.

you can't handle the truth

I was just in the elevator with some new attorney's. 1st years as they are called here. Quite the rotten bunch. They are so rude and think they own the world. This one guy was talking about his $1,000 birthday dinner for himself and his wife. $1,000!! Two people!!! But don't you worry "the Ravioli was delicious and it was well worth it." Good, because I was a little concerned. $1,000!! I don't even make that much in two weeks!! These people have no concept of anything besides themselves and money. Disgusting. I can't even imagine what a $1,000 dinner would entail. I bet he isn't even a good tipper.

One of the women responded by saying "I couldn't eat that much" which had already been perfectly evident to me considering she clearly has a raging eating disorder. The third one then chimed in "I can eat a lot." Oh really? Because I couldn't tell. Your pants are only 3 sizes too small and your stomach is sticking out so far you look like you are 6 months pregnant. No lie. They continue to chat about expensive meals and fancy food I have never heard of and they also continue ignoring me. I suppose they have a seminar for all the first year associates on how to ignore anyone who makes less than you and can't help you make partner. Your secretary might not have it in her power to make you partner but you see how far you get if we neglect to give you all those messages/assignments from your boss. Not that I would ever do anything like that...I'm just saying.

There were a group of three of them proudly displaying their blackberries on the way to a meeting that probably makes them feel important but in fact is just another excuse for some partner to assert his/her control over their meaningless lives. I know how these people operate and while the 1st years think that they are much more important than I am and think that they are making a contribution, I would argue that their existence on the planet is actually making a negative impact on the world. Except for the fact that we need someone to laugh at during the Christmas party.

They are truly the scum of the earth. Ok not all of them, some of them are nice. I think one of my bosses has a mother who is a legal secretary which probably explains why he is ALWAYS extremely nice to me. But most of the first years have never had a slice of humble pie and have spent the last few years only hearing praise about their performance in Law school. For some reason people get very excited about their children going to "Law school". I don't know why considering it is pretty much a glorified trade school. From what I can tell the only thing people learn there is how to be a royal pain in my ass and how to weasel out of paying for cab rides and lunches.

None of them seem to acknowledge the existence of their secretaries or god forbid the people in the mailroom. They don't say please and they don't say thank you. They always expect things to be ready and waiting for them. They always expect you to care about what they want or that they called. They don't understand why things don't always go their way. They can't comprehend why the conference room they want is taken (even though they didn't try to reserve it until 5 minutes before their meeting). They don't understand why their food is taking so long or why they have to go get it themselves because I am at lunch. They definitely don't understand why it is taking so long for someone to fix the mistake they made. Me and now might as well be the only words in their vocabulary. They are worse than two year olds!

The cost of everything is important to them and more is always better. Except when they can't get reimbursed for something. They use their law degree to cover up all their insecurities. Hopefully they are at least fooling themselves because they aren't fooling me. And as for the fat one as much as her shirt probably cost you think she would have been able to buy one that covered her entire stomach. And come on at least wear something that matches. I can even pull something remotely attractive together on 30K a year. Just because it costs a lot doesn't mean it looks nice.

Well after all that goes through my head I am still on this damn elevator. The third one (the fat one) complains about not getting free food from the restaurant she used to work at (one of the most expensive in Ann Arbor by the way). The meal came out to $100 per person. That is one-hundred-American-dollars per person. She announced it twice in case we hadn't heard the first time. I think for a moment at least she has had some food service experience and that is always tough. But then I look at her smug face and protruding belly and realize that she wont even acknowledge my presence in the elevator and she didn't say thank you when I held the door. I wonder if she would have said something if I had let it slam in her face. Obviously her stint working at "one of the most expensive restaurants in Ann Arbor" didn't teach her anything.

And she probably wont learn any lesson until one day when she has some mid-life crisis and tries to figure out what her purpose on this planet is. She will then realize her only purpose is to make a lot of money for a lot of very bad people and she will feel guilty. Well she may not feel guilty, but at the very least she will worry about what to do if she doesn't make partner. Maybe she will go back to school or try to give back to the community but probably she will just continue doing what she does best. Being a bitch and walking around with a heck of a superiority complex.

She will continue to try and eat her way to happiness only to find out that nobody likes the woman who eats all the good doughnuts they put out in the conference room, and that it is still ok to discriminate against fat people in this country. By the time she is 30 she will have lost her drive to succeed and realize she wont make partner. She will either leave the firm only to start somewhere at the bottom again or she will stay and take a lesser position such as "Senior Counsel" and spend the rest of her days taking out the fact that she is a failure on the people who work for her.

The guy who just spent $1,000 on his birthday dinner will probably continue to go on having luxurious birthday dinners for the rest of his life. Then he will find out those late nights, long meetings, and business trips that afford him the luxuries he can no longer live without has forced his wife into an extramarital affair. Good thing he is a lawyer because he will see to it that she wont see a dime. Now that he has lost his boyish good looks and twenty year old body the only thing between him and dying alone is the fact he makes over a million a year. He isn't too worried. He will just joke to his remaining friends (if he has any) that he is simply trading his wife in for a newer model. All this of course while secretly crying alone in his office. But hey it is a corner office.

At this point his secretary will probably have stopped bringing him his mail because she is sick of seeing a millionaire get reimbursed for thousand dollar meals all while she tries to figure out how she is going to manage to pay her rent and send her kids to college at the same time. She probably gets a really crappy Christmas bonus, because he couldn't find any way to deduct it. Even the secretary who sits next to her who doesn't do anything but talk to her boyfriend on the phone all day gets more from her boss.

The skinny one who has probably been battling her eating disorder since she was 15 will one day realize that yes even she deserves food. But at the same time she will realize her paycheck wont keep her warm at night and wonders where she went wrong. She is young, successful, cute enough, why can't she find anyone? Because she is evil. But at least she made partner. Now even she can leave receipts for expensive meals she feels too guilty to actually eat on her secretary's desk. She can go back to her high school reunion with truck loads of money but no soul. But hey at least she is "successful" right?

But perhaps none of this will happen and they will all go on to be very content. I say content because when you have a lot of money all you want is more money. So I am pretty sure they will never be completely happy. But they may still live a life of luxury drinking wine in fancy outfits and going home to sleep on piles of money. Perhaps they will continue to walk through life with blinders on and never think twice about anything, or anyone for that matter. For their sake I hope this is the case because I think if a lot of them took a long hard look in the mirror and saw what I see they would be very disappointed in themselves or perhaps even embarrassed at what they have become. Unfortunately what I fear is that they would not be embarrassed or ashamed but they would be proud.

he makes me nauseous

I thought about writing something happy and cheerful, but who wants to hear about that? So for future reference if you ever decide to check in on my "blog" then be prepared for some bitching and moaning. Also be prepared to see me bitch and moan about you. I only am changing the names of my employers to avoid getting fired like that nanny. As for the rest of you, you're fair game.

I am sure people are also sick of hearing about my crappy job (but you were warned in the preceding paragraph - remember bitching and moaning) and have started to ask the question; why don't you just quit? Well I'm thinking about it. But where would that leave me? Now I am poor, unhappy, directionless, and lots of other things. But at least I have a job, I would hate to add unemployed and poorer to that list of other things. Although perhaps I should stop ordering take out and start saving money so I can be unemployed for a long stretch without having to worry about it. Let's all cross our fingers that google stock continues to do well (knock on wood).

On to more important things. Don't you hate it when you are having a perfectly good day, minding your own business and some idiot decides to fuck it all up? Most of the time they don't know they are doing it, which makes it worse because then you can't even go yell at them. Since I am not big on "feelings" to begin with when other people make me "feel" bad it really pisses me off. Most of the time the people that do it are too self-involved to even realize that their actions impact the way other people feel. I suppose I have been on the other end plenty of times but I am usually very aware when I hurt other people's feelings. The fact that I choose to continue doing so is another deal all together but at least I make mental note.

This guy is just too concerned with being right and being aloof to notice how much of a complete jerk he can be sometimes. Get a fucking clue asshole. What do I need to write it on a sign? "YOU ARE HURTING MY FEELINGS! - YOU ARE MAKING ME FEEL BAD!" But if I did that then he would probably just turn around and blame it on me and make me feel worse for making myself feel bad. Did that make sense?

I have already said too much and I will spare you the rest of the details because it is just a very long story of me being stupid and making mistake after mistake and then having it rubbed in my face in the most unfortunate way. Well I wont let him ruin my day!! In fact from here on out I wont let him ruin any more of my days! But yeah he makes me nauseous and that is all I will say.