blame the post office

So everyone at work is frantically waiting for something to come in the mail. I’m not sure if it is a check or legal document or what, but they are all obsessed about getting it. For the last week I have gotten asked about it probably about 5 times a day. “Is it here?” “Did it come?” “Have you seen it?” No, no, and no. I guess they sent it and we never got it so they sent it again and we still didn’t get it. So I can see why they are eager to receive it. Whatever “it” is. Anyway they have been so obsessed with its arrival that I seem to have blocked out its importance. I think the item they are looking for did indeed arrive…both times it was sent. I am pretty sure it arrived because I am pretty sure I threw it out. Twice.

The first time I threw it out I thought it was junk mail. In fact the second time I threw it out I thought it was junk mail. But that’s neither here nor there. About a day or so after I threw it away the first time someone came looking for it.

SO – “Did you see anything come in from XYZ”

ME – “No. I don’t thi…nk so. Um…no definitely not. If I had seen something I would have given it to you”

My internal dialog – “No. I don’t thi…..fuck…I totally saw it. Shit. Fuck. I definitely threw it out without even opening it yesterday. Opps…nk so. Um…no definitely not. If I had seen something I would have given it to you. Shit, too bad the cleaning lady actually did her job yesterday and emptied the trash.”

SO – “Oh, cause it should have gotten here by now and we really need it. So if you see it come in please give it to me right away.”

ME – “Why don’t you ask them to resend it?”

SO – “Yeah I think that is what I am going to have to do, because it is really important”

SO’s internal dialog – “I’m sooo important that I need to tell people how everything I do is really really important, even though it isn’t that important, but don’t tell anyone. The only way I know how to deal with my insecurity is by telling people how important I am””

ME – “OK, well I’ll be on the look out for it. I’m sure it will come one of these days. But you should probably have them resend it just in case…I mean if it is important.”

My internal dialog – “Sorry bitch. That shit has come and gone, you better call and ask them to resend it ASAP, because unless you want to head over the landfill in Jersey it was sent to there is no way in hell you are going to get your hands on it.”

SO – “OK, just let me know if it comes”

ME – “Of course!! I’ll let you know right away.”

A few days pass and although she is obsessively asking about this document I seem to completely forget she is looking for it. And I think they are stupid. Anyway a big envelope from XYZ comes in the mail, I look at it for two seconds decide it is junk mail and toss it. Apparently the conversation I had a few days before was not enough of a deterrent to keep me from repeating my mistake. Unfortunately for me that meant we had to repeat the same exact conversation again after I threw the letter away for a second time. Only this time there was more emphasis on how important it was and also more persistent questions about whether or not I had seen “anything.” I think she is on to me, but she has no proof. And since she has no proof I’m actually kind of annoyed that she thinks I would have lost/hidden it from her. I mean come on, I’m the only competent person who works here.

SO- “Are you suuuuure you didn’t see anything from them?”

ME- “Yeah, I mean if I had I would have given it right to you, I know how important it is.”

SO- “OK, because they said they sent it again…”

ME – “That’s really odd. Maybe they sent it to the wrong address? Although you never know with the post office these days, sometimes things just don’t make it. It is weird that they sent it twice and we didn’t get it either time.”

SO’s internal dialog – “Yeah that is exactly the weird part. Nothing gets lost in the mail twice. I know it came. I know it was here. What did she do with it? Is she hiding it from me? AHHH! Why would she do that when she knows how important it is?”

SO- “Well I guess things happen. Are you sure nothing came in?”

ME- “About as sure as I can be”

SO’s internal dialog – “Bitch, I know you have it.”

SO- “OK well I guess I will ask them to send it again. Just please let me know if you see anything.”

ME- “Sure thing!”

Sure thing. Yeah I don’t think so. But I’m certainly not fessing up to this whole mess. The only thing I can do is try my hardest not to throw it out a 3^rd time. No promises though.

I QUIT...JK

So I decided to quit. Except I'm too afraid to actually do it, so I'm not quitting. I mean let's be honest, I have essentially stopped working, I just haven't given notice. This approach has some benefits, for example I am still getting paid, unfortunately regardless of whether or not I am actually doing anything, I still have to go to work everyday. Showing up is half the battle, or whatever it is they say.

I knew when I decided to quit that quiting usually sucks, even from jobs you hate. It never happens like on TV. If I were quitting on TV, someone would say something that pisses me off or ask me to do something I am morally opposed to and I would get red in the face and then some music would play and then I would storm into my bosses office, give some touching yet powerful speech and then storm out of the building without looking back. In real life, when you quit, can't just storm out. You have to go back to your desk and not only continue working for the rest of the day but you have to keep working for at least 2 weeks, or even two months or however long they were able to convince you to stay.

Not only do you have to continue working, often times you have to train your replacement. I hope that isn't the case for me. How am I supposed to train someone to do the things I haven't done in over a year? I'm sure my replacement will be well versed in gchat and facebook, which is pretty much what I do all day, no need for me to "train". But in order to train a replacement they need to hire a replacement. And in order for them to be able to hire a replacement, they need to know I am quitting. And in order for them to know I'm quitting...I need to actually quit. See where this is going? As I see it I have two options.


Option 1: Quit.

I can march in there right now and tell her I'm outta here. I can tell her I'm sorry to leave right when they need me most, but I have to focus on getting my career/life on track. I'm too old to be doing this. I'm kind of embarrassed of what I do. I would rather be unemployed then tell people about my job. At least if you are unemployed people feel bad for you. And if you are unemployed they don't ask you "how is work?" The last thing I want to talk about when I'm not working, is my job. I mean come on people. I was there all day and you think I want to relive any of that. Um...no thanks.

Anyway, in my quitting fantasy I ask my boss if I can talk to her for a second. We never really talk so she will immediately become terrified. I sit down and say something like "you know I love it here (lie) but I just don't think think position is right for me anymore. I need to move on and find my path." In response she says "OK" and we never speak of it again. In my quitting fantasy there will be no discussion of the timeline of my departure, or training my replacement, or interviewing my replacement. I don't want to have to update my job description. I don't want to have to make the announcement to the staff about why I am leaving or where I am going or about what they are going to do without me.
I certainly don't want to be the special guest at a going away party.

All of those things sound awful to me. I wish I could slowly float away or magically disappear without having to talk about it. We have way too many meetings as it is, I couldn't stand sitting in a meeting about me quitting. Torture. Almost as bad as continuing to work here. And let's be honest for a second. They don't really care what my future plans are, or where I will be going. I barely care what I'm doing next...as long as I'm not here. They are probably only asking to be polite, so why bother answering questions they don't even want the answers to. That is why I never ask questions just to be polite anymore. I don't even say 'how are you?' to be polite anymore. Actually I don't even say hello to be polite anymore. What's the point? I don't care. I'm sure even if I did care, they wouldn't even care that I cared, so why bother? But that's a whole different story.

Option 2: Stop showing up.

Talk about a quitting fantasy. Option #2 really takes the cake. Clearly my preference. I just wish I had the guts. I would implement the plan on a Friday afternoon. I would just say goodnight to everyone, see ya Monday, have a great weekend, all that BS. Act all normal, then just never come back again. No one would notice until about 9:56 Monday morning. That's when I would send my boss an email about how that "although I enjoyed working with you, I wont be coming back...ever" At first she will be slightly confused and think I just took a sick day. Then she will read it for a third time and realize it did actually say what she thought it said. Then she will call some people in to read the email to make sure she read it right. They would all agree that I had in fact quit over email. After that I'm not sure what would happened. I would probably get a crazy voicemail followed by a crazy email. And then more voicemails...until they got the hint.

They say there are five phases of grief. DABDA - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally Acceptance. I have a feeling they would stay in Denial for a while. But knowing my boss the Anger phases would be most entertaining. Unfortunately/fortunately I would miss that since the whole plan revolves around the idea of not ever setting foot in the office again. They could bitch and moan and complain all they want, but it wont matter to me because...I wont be there! My replacement can deal with it.

vacation or personal

All of you who work in offices understand the torture of only being allowed to take two weeks vacation all year. Two weeks equals 10 days not 14. That sure was a tough concept to grasp right out of college.

"Yut you said two weeks"

"Yeah two weeks...10 days"

"Um...two weeks is actually 14 days"

"Yeah well. um. 10 days. You know two full WORK weeks"

"oh"

So out of the whole entire year you are allowed only 10 days to take off. The worst part is that regardless of the fact that you are an adult you have to get approved for this vacation. Its not like you can just say "Hey Bob, I'm not coming in tomorrow." You have to let them know days, sometimes weeks in advance! Honestly I think its absurd. Especially since most employers wont let you know things that are critical to your job until the very last minute. For example - I have a friend who's company was getting downsized and she had no idea until one of her customers emailed her a copy of the letter that the president of the company had sent to all the customers. I guess mail merge must have left out all the employees by accident. Anyway, if your company isn't going to let you know you are out of a job until the last possible moment, they why should you go out of your way to let them know when you will be on vacation? You shouldn't. And since they only give you like 10 days a year to do what you wish with, it seems to me that that means they only stand to be inconvenienced by your absence 10 days out of a year? Sounds like something they should be able to live with. Unfortunately that is not the way it works and we are all forced to go through whatever annoying process your boss made up to request vacation days.

As someone who hates formalities it kinda sucks that I am also the person who happens to be in charge of tracking how many vacation days people have left. My ideal system would be the following. People would just take vacation when they felt like it, and whenever they annoyed me or I felt that they had taken too many I would tell them they had used all their days. Unfortunately it doesn't work that way either. Every time one of these little fuckers takes a vacation day after getting approval from their various supervisors they hand the form over to me. I suppose I am supposed to process it because whenever anyone submits a form they ask me 15 times whether it has been "processed". I don't even know what that means. The only processing I do is sticking it in a folder marked "time sheets". The folder says time sheets because I am too lazy to cover it up with a label that says vacation forms. In fact 90% of everything on my desk or in my filing cabinet is labeled wrong. God forbid I didn't show up one day and they needed to find something, they would be completely confused. But that's a whole different story.

Anyway after I receive a vacation form and after it gets filed into the "time sheets" folder it just sort of sits there. Then inevitably some idiot asks how many days they have left and I have to figure it out. So then I enter each vacation day into the system. People are extra serious about their vacation days. It's actually kind of funny. Any slight discrepancy sends them into a panic. I try to let them know that it is possible I have made a mistake (although I rarely do). You have to calm them down immediately or they really freak out. They come to my desk waving copies of their vacation requests and start questioning which days have been "processed" as vacation like I have all their days off memorized. Please. They are lucky I remember their names. Anyway, after going through all their days off it usually ends up being their mistake because although I pay little attention to what I do and regardless of the fact that I can't think of anything I care less about, unlike them I am not incompetent. Apparently incompetence is worse than complete indifference because they are the ones who usually have marked their own vacation days down incorrectly. I mean if I only had 10 days off a year and I wasn't in charge of keeping track of them, I sure as hell would make sure I wrote them down correctly. Fortunately I am in the position where I can keep track of my own vacation days. I could take 10 days or I could take 35. I would be the only person to know. But the guilt would be overwhelming so I usually take far less than my allotted days. Which is actually kind of pathetic.

Besides people getting their own vacation days wrong the most annoying aspect of THIS part of my job is explaining the difference between personal days and vacation days. See there is no difference. They don't seem to get that. There is absolutely no difference between vacation days and personal days except that for whatever reason someone decided to give them two separate names. Neither of them can be “carried over” at the end of the year. Both of them must be requested in advance. You don't actually have to go on vacation to take a vacation day. Personal days are not only supposed to be used for doctors appointments and personal errands. You can use any day for whatever the fuck you want to use it for. At least that is how it works around here. And I can't understand why they can't understand that. There are plenty of things in this world that are the same but go by different names. Like a grocery store and a supermarket. They are the same thing but they have different names. A sofa and a couch; same thing different name. You get my point. It is endlessly annoying to hear people debating about whether or not to use a vacation day or a personal day. This of course wouldn't bother me if it were an internal debate...but it never is. It usually happens out loud right in front of my desk.

"Oh I don't know. I have already used 5 vacation days, maybe I should use a personal."

"mmhmm"

"But I don't want to run out of personal days."

"mmhmm"

“What do you think?”

“mmhmm”

"Oh I just don't know. I guess I will use a vacation day. Can I change it later?"

"mmhmm"

I'm not quite sure how to get it into their heads that it DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER!! It particularly doesn’t matter anymore because little to their knowledge the entire vacation policy has been completely changed. Now they don’t have vacation days OR personal days. HA HA HA. It is called Paid Leave Time. PLT is identical to both personal and vacation days, but the powers that be wanted to mix things up a bit so they changed the name. I kind of can’t wait to roll my eyes as I see their confusion. That will be quite enjoyable, although I’m sure I will stop enjoying it as soon as I have to explain the difference between PLT and vacation/personal days to them.

stupid questions

As I am sure you have all heard me say, I get asked some pretty stupid questions at work. I am going to preface this post with the fact that all of my co-workers are college graduates. But apparently that doesn’t really seem to matter. Degrees have become less and less important as I realize how stupid some of the “smartest” people can be. So here are some (and I say some because I don’t have time to write them all down) of the stupidest questions I have been asked at work.

1. “Did a fax come in for me yesterday?”

Seriously? How the fuck should I know? I don’t sit anywhere near the fax machine. And if I did I sure as hell wouldn’t sit there looking at all the faxes that came in. Get off your fat ass and go look at the fax machine yourself.

2. “Do we have any mugs?”

Hmmm. Not sure on that one, let me go downstairs and check. Please. You have got to be kidding me. I suppose I shouldn’t judge. She has only worked here for year. Maybe this is the first time she has needed to use a mug. Maybe she got a craving for hot coco and wanted to make sure we had all the supplies? Or maybe she was just too lazy to go to the kitchen and look for herself. “Do we have any mugs?” What the hell kind of a question is that? I mean if she had used the energy she used to ask me if we had any mugs to actually go to the kitchen herself and look, not only would she have NOT wasted my time, she might actually have the answer to her question. Because when I get asked questions like that, even if I know the answer… they get a blank stare and a puzzled look, followed by an eye roll after they turn around. I am trying to teach these people how to figure things out for themselves.

3. “Where is the bathroom?”

I got asked this question 3 times in 1 day by people who have worked in the office for over three months. Need I say more?

4. “Can you do me a favor?”

“No.” “I will but I don’t want to.” “Depends on what it is.” “Sure.” “I guess.” All completely appropriate answers to this question, and all answers I have given at various times, depending on my mood. “Can you do me a favor?” is a nice way of saying “I am about to tell you to do something really annoying because I don’t feel like doing it myself and I think that if I pretend that you are doing me a favor and act really grateful when you say yes, you will be more willing to do the annoying parts of my job.” Well I don’t want to do you a favor, but I don’t really have a choice. I don’t like doing the annoying parts of my own job, why would I want to do the annoying parts of anyone else’s job?

5. “Are you stressed out?”

No, not stressed. I think the look you see on my face is a combination of boredom and annoyance. I’m not stressed out, you have to care to be stressed out…

6. “What is my extension?”

Yeah. Um…Yeah.

7. "How do you send a fax?"

Come on now. Let’s just forget for a second that all fax machines are inherently the same. Let’s focus on the fact that she asked me how to send a fax 8 months after she started working here. Not 8 days, or even 8 weeks, but 8 MONTHS!!!!! I can understand when you first start a job asking how to send a fax, because although you get the same explanation every time, except for the occasional dial 9 first, maybe this fax machine is different. My main question is how has she gone 8 MONTHS without sending a fax? I should tell you all this is the same woman who asked me whether or not she had received a fax, so maybe she has some kind of disorder related to fax machines. Maybe she is afraid of them. Maybe they don’t have them where she is from? Maybe she is just stupid?

8. "Can you come take a look at the copier?"

Apparently I should add copy machine repairman to my resume because when anyone has a problem with the copy machine, I’m the first and only person they go to for help. This happens three or four times a week. I say I will take a look at it but that “I know just as much as they do”. I always kind of thought that they just ran to me for help when there was a jam without actually trying to fix it, but now I have proof. One of our senior level staff members came to me frantic that there was something wrong with the machine. She said she had “tried everything” and just “couldn’t get it to work”. I told her I would look at it but that “I know just as much about copy machines as she does” so if she couldn’t fix it then there is no way I can. Long story short. That shit wasn’t even on. She “tried everything”. Really? Really Susan? How about turning it on? You didn’t try that.

5:00

5:00.

My work day is 9:00-5:00. With no lunch break. Not having lunch is probably for the best. Although it would be nice to get out of the office for an hour; it takes twice as much time to navigate this part of town because of all the tourists wandering around trying to find ground zero, I try to avoid tourists as much as possible. Also if I left during my lunch break, I might not come back. That would definitely put a blemish on my perfect attendance record.

Anyway staring at the computer, or the wall, all day makes me really excited for 5:00. The problem is I don't want my bosses to know how excited 5:00 makes me. I think they think I like my job. Not quite sure how they got that impression, but I'm gonna try and let that ride as long as possible. The first minute past 5:00pm eastern standard time is probably my most favorite minute of the whole entire day. It is my favorite because not only is my work day over, but technically if I am still in the office I'm putting in overtime. Not the kind of overtime that you get paid for, non-profits don't do that. But the kind of overtime that you do to make you feel better about those days when you leave before 5:00. It's like if you put in a little overtime it makes it ok that you spent the entire day internet shopping and playing scrabble on Facebook. But throw all that feeling better crap out for a second, whether or not the job is done, your boss can't say shit, its 5:00 and you put your time in. Plus she probably has not idea that you haven't been working all day anyway.

As excited as I am for 5:00, I do my best not to be the first person to leave the office. It's really hard. Like really really hard. 5:00 is pretty much all I have to look forward to during the day so it's hard not to sprint out the door. I'm not sure how these other people manage to stay late everyday. That’s real dedication, or perhaps it is just because they don't ever actually show up to work on time so they are making it up on the back end. Hmmm.

I realized this morning that not only do I leave everyday at 5:01, but I have been the first one out of the office every day for about the last 3 months, I'm worried someone might start calling my dedication into question. Especially since we are approaching the busiest time of the year. Can't be seen slacking off in October. (Please note I didn't say you can't slack off, I said you can't be SEEN slacking off). Once it is 5:00pm it takes all of my will power to stay longer. I try to bide my time by cleaning my work space, filling up my water bottle, going to the bathroom multiple times. But that seems to only get me to 5:04. So I check Facebook AGAIN to see if anything has changed. Nope, I still look gorgeous in all my pics. Now what? I guess I could do work. Lord knows that there is plenty of that around here. But honestly I haven't felt like working all that much in say the last year or so. Maybe tomorrow. 5:06.

It isn't like I even have any place to go. I just don't want to be here anymore. I try to tie up a few loose ends but alas it is only 5:08 and no one else has even made a move to the door, although my eyes are fixated on it. I was actually quite productive today. Let's just forget for a moment all the unnoticeable things I am NOT doing throughout the day, and talk about the noticeable things I HAVE done. I just have to complete a few noticeable tasks so the powers that be don't ever have to question what it is I have been doing all day. A few frustrated groans, an annoyed look, and a mass email are pretty much all they need to see to be convinced I'm working hard.

OH GOD these last minutes are going by sooooo sloooowlllly. 5:11. Now I'm just annoyed. I should just leave. I stayed a whole 11 minutes past when I was supposed to stay. I mean I could stay longer, I just don't feel like working any more. Well, it's more like I don't feel like not working at work anymore. I pretty much call it a day around 3pm anyway so why not leave? I don't understand why these people are still in the office. I just wish I wasn't always the first to leave. I accomplish so little all day that I feel like I owe it to myself to at least complete the personal goals I set for myself. Goals like..not rolling my eyes, smiling at people when they ask me to do stupid shit, and of course, not being the first one out the door.

Fuck it...I'm leaving. 5:13

Law and Order...da da

My new roommate likes Law and Order and although I admit to enjoying a murder mystery every now and again I really can't watch like five in a row. Well apparently I can because that is pretty much all I have done during my free time this summer. I mean between the original and SVU and Criminal Intent that shit is on all the fucking time! I shouldn’t really talk but I honestly don’t know why people like the show so much. It is the same episode every freaking time. Someone dies or gets brutally raped and beaten, they think one person did it then there is always some plot twist that puts the whole case in jeopardy. They find out that the first suspect didn’t do it. The case looks like a dead end; one of the police officers says a snazzy one liner; then there’s a break in the case! They find out who really did it but they can't get a conviction unless a witness turns against his sister's best friend's uncle’s mother’s nephew. They make a deal with said witness. They take it to trial. Someone cries. The DA crosses the line…for justice. The judge gets mad. The jury deliberates. Then they are either found guilty and justice was served (or it wasn’t reeeeally served because the only reason he did it was to take revenge on the death of his only child) or they are found not guilty even though we know they really did it and they play that music in the background and they criminal gives that sneaky smile and then there is more music and another clever one liner from the DA.

So that’s pretty much it. Every episode is pretty much the same. Why do I still watch? Um…because I am addicted. It’s actually a problem. It’s so bad I have actually seen reruns. You know how many episodes of Law and Order there are out there? The fact that I have started watching an episode and then been like “shit…I’ve seen this one before” and CONTINUED to watch is not only a little scary it is honestly cause for concern. So I think from here on out, well at least until Monday am going to do my best to watch as little TV as possible and more importantly NO Law and Order. Really I can do it. I don’t even like it that much, which I suppose makes it even more pathetic.

i'm not a team player

How come Friday has to last so long? I look forward to Friday all week and once it gets here I just want it to be over. It is never going to end. It’s 5:00 and I guarantee this next half hour is going to last an eternity. Oh well. At least I can lounge around doing nothing for the next couple of days. And believe me nothing is exactly what I will be doing. Besides the fact that I have zero dollars I am also incredibly lazy. I’m not going anywhere. Today has been so slow. Everyone in New York City is on vacation. Literally. EVERYONE. I barely knew what to do with myself today. No one was emailing me. No one could chat. There was really nothing left for me to do but work. So I worked for about three hours straight. That shit nearly killed me. Ugh, and since I just can't seem to take initiative they keep assigning me projects. I hate projects. If I wanted to do projects I would have taken the initiative to do it on my own!! I don't want to work. I just want to go on vacation. Also, I realized that I'm not a team player. In fact I hate the team.

Marquee

So yeah I've been there. Hate to say it, but it's true. It was a friend's birthday party and I went. It sucked. I mean I had fun but it sucked. We did see Irulan and Trichelle from the Real World. Looks as if Irulan is a waitress there. Anyway besides getting elbowed in the head by an anorexic blonde girl the evening was alright. Since all the men there apparently have money to piss away we definitely got some free drinks. But what really takes the cake is some dude trying to give money to the bathroom attendant so his girlfriend scratch that, the girl he is trying to sleep with could cut in the bathroom line. Because at places like Marquee money matters more than even how you look. That explains why there were absolutely no attractive men in the entire building. There weren't even any nice men. Just rich men. Rich men who use their money to cover up the fact that they aren't remotely interesting or nice...or attractive. And I'm gonna be honest with you people I'll take a good looking poor boy over an ugly rich one any day of the week. Money isn't nearly as important to me as looks are. I have my own money I certainly don't need someone else's.

Anyway, the DJ was amazing but that will only get you so far when there is no one to dance with. And honestly how much dancing can you do with people pushing and shoving you all night. I guess they are all about making money and if dudes are lame enough to spend $300 on a bottle of vodka that normally costs $30 they might as well take advantage of them.

Perhaps it just isn't the place for me. It looked like there were tons of people there having fun. For example, if you are a white girl who likes black dudes that only like white girls, or a black dude who likes white girls who like black dudes who only like white girls, then this is your spot. Oh and if you are an Asian girl, cause everyone likes Asian girls. If you have pin straight blond hair but spend and hour straightening it everyday, then this is also a good place for you. If you have a high-paying job to mask your insecurities and like to buy girls who use you for your money expensive things, you would also probably have a really great time at this place. If you are arrogant, and completely uninteresting or wearing a shirt that says "Overworked and Underfucked" then this is also a place you might consider visiting.

While I was there I got hit on by some 22 year kid. Now I sort of see the reason there are 25 and up nights. I think they should have more of those. So, I found the perfect way to get rid of a dude without hurting anyone's feelings. No more will I say I have a boyfriend, or that I am too tired to dance, or that I don't feel like talking to anyone. You will never hear me mutter the words I hate dancing, I hate boys, can you leave me alone?, or even, I'm crazy you don't want to talk to me. Yes I've said it all. I suppose the one positive of going to Marquee was to learn the way to get a man to not only stop talking to you but to sprint off in the opposite direction. Ready? Its a doozy.

Try imagining this:
22 year old guy dancing behind me and being all annoying, Me, Looking annoyed and not dancing (ok this probably isn't too hard to imagine).
22 year old guy: Hey
Me: How old are you? You look young.
22 year old guy: 22
Me: you're too young for me.
22 year old guy: How old are you?
Me: 35
22 year old guy:What?!?
Me: 35
22 year old guy: TWENTY - Five?
Me: No. THIRTY - five.

He was gone quicker than I could say "tick tock...I'm so desperate I don't even want a relationship, I want your sperm!"

Well lesson learned. No Marquee for me. At least now I know what I am talking about when I tell people it's lame.

here i am

So here I am. It’s been a while but I suppose I am sufficiently bored and unsatisfied at my “new” job to starting writing again. Don’t get me wrong. I love my job, its just not as exciting as it was, ya know a year ago. For those of you that are stumbling upon this for the first time and don’t know me – I work at a non-profit organization in New York City. I am not trying to save the world or anything just make it a little bit better. Since I work at this non-profit and not a big corporation I can’t exactly afford to live in New York City, so I live in Brooklyn, which I guess still counts as New York City, but whatever.

Not much has really changed for me…but let me see if I can think of something. Hmmmm. Oh yeah. My new roommate (number 4) moved in today. She seems nice enough. I hope she’s not crazy. I did find her off the internet after all. God only knows what may happen to me tonight. Well I sure as hell am locking my door when I go to sleep. I was worried there for a second that she might have eaten one of my frozen waffles without asking. But I checked the freezer and she bought her own. Thank god. Because only a true sociopath would have stolen my food and eaten it in front of me the day she moved in. And what if she had been a sociopath? What if she had eaten my waffles? Jeff never ate my waffles?!?! I think we all know I never would have had the guts to say anything and she would have continued eating my waffles until I had a breakdown and totally freaked out at her. And since had she eaten my waffles that would have made her a sociopath. And since she was a sociopath she wouldn’t have reacted at all when I screamed at her she would have waited until I fell asleep and hid frozen waffles all over the apartment! And then after I realized how legitimately crazy she was I would have been way to scared to ask her to move out. So I would have been stuck living with a crazy person. Living with a crazy person is pretty much my worst nightmare. Well that and being forced to pick out curtains for my living room. And I’m worried she’s crazy… maybe she should lock her door tonight. But I guess anyone is better than that married unemployed lady that I met!

Also just to set the record straight I fucking hate the color green. I’m no web designer or anything but you would think they could come up with some better options for layout. Well I think that is all for now. It really feels good to get all that out. Hopefully some slightly entertaining things will happen to me in the near future so I can write about that and you don’t have to listen to me go off on tangents about crazy people that aren’t even crazy (hopefully).

all kinds of viruses

Are you serious? That is what I have been asking myself for the last month. I have had a leak under the bathroom sink for more weeks than I can even remember, and now my super can’t fix it because he has all kinds of viruses. He was perfectly fine yesterday when he came over to “fix” it but forgot the part. He sounded perfectly fine on the phone. I can’t take it anymore. The first three weeks he just didn’t show up, the week after that he didn’t pick up the phone, the week after that I don’t think his wife gave him my messages. The week after that he had knee surgery. Next it was Christmas and then new years. Then he finally comes over to fix it but he doesn’t have the right part. Are you serious? Now he has “all kinds of viruses?”

Of course according to him he will be able to come over tomorrow and fix it. Honestly, someone with “all kinds of viruses” probably shouldn’t even leave the house for weeks. What does that even mean? “All kinds of viruses?” Like you have the flu AND West Nile at the same time? It’s fucking ridiculous that’s what it is. How am I supposed to live like this? I ask the guy to come over and fix a leak and he gives me this attitude like I dialed the wrong number or something. Hello. It’s your job asshole. Everybody hates their job (well I don’t), but you have to do it anyway. Especially if people are actually counting on you for something. Maybe if he had just been honest with me and said, “sorry lady but I’m never gonna fix your sink”, maybe I would be ok with that. It’s the lying I can’t handle. I suppose I am just being naïve when I assume he will come when he says he will, but I just don’t understand how someone could be so deceitful so often. I mean that takes a lot of work! Coming up with all kinds of excuses can’t be easy work, and if he put half as much effort into his real job as he did into getting out of working he would surely be the best super in New York.

But besides that things are going pretty well. My team won big yesterday – as I expected. Still a long way to go, but nothing like a big win to start off the week!!