"feels like a real monday liz"

Marge keeps saying, "It feels like a real Monday doesn't it Liz?" Whatever that means. If she means did I get that "I want to kill myself" feeling by simply stepping into the building this morning then yeah sure, it feels like a Monday. But I sort of get that feeling everyday. At this place a Monday doesn't really feel that different from a Friday or a Tuesday. But each day has a distinct feeling to Marge. I don't quite get it. It isn't like we have a free money day or take a nap at your desk day. We have the same stupid regular days that everyone else has. Regardless of what day it actually is we still have to be here the same number of hours and do the same stupid shit.

Every day here has the same effect on me. I don't care what day it is, or even what day it feels like. Marge gets even more confused when a Monday feels like a Thursday or god-forbid a Friday feels like a Monday. I simply say "yeah it sure does." But in this case it is a Monday so shouldn't it make sense for it to feel like a Monday? If these particular days do in fact have "feelings" then shouldn't she only comment when it feels like a different day? Not that I am advocating for her to do any more talking than absolutely necessary...but if she is going to make a really stupid comment than it should at least be a stupid comment that makes sense and is in some way relevant.

If it is a Wednesday and it feels like a Tuesday sure why not, go ahead tell me. I can deal with that. But if it is a Monday and it feels like a Monday what the fuck do you need to make an announcement for? That is like eating ice cream and saying...it tastes like I am eating ice cream. If it is a workday, it matters not which one because I am here, at work, staring at my screen, getting older by the second, and wishing I was some place else. That happens on Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, and Friday. So whatever it may "feel" like to Marge, I don't really give a fuck.

Another thing Marge is big on is announcing that "today's one of those days" I am not quite sure what she means by that either. One of “those” days. A day she actually has work to keep her busy? Come on. You don't need to announce it. The only thing I have seen her do all day is print out a couple of documents, get in my way, and tell me what kind of day it feels like. It isn't like she has been bombarded with phone calls and assignments. She is pretty much doing the same thing she does everyday, nothing, annoying me, and messing things up.

Sure we all make mistakes at work. I do stupid shit ALL the time. But as I have mentioned before she messes up when she is doing things that she didn't even need to do in the first place. Then she gets extremely flustered and cops a 'tude with the very people who are trying to help her get out of the mess she never should have gotten into in the first place. She can't get the labels to print out correctly...she freaks out and calls the help desk. She talks in this voice that you would think should only be reserved for nuns at Catholic school (you know the mean ones that hit kids on the fingers with rulers). She demands they fix the problem and hangs up. She looks to me for sympathy. She isn't going to get it. I may hate these people and this job but I would never yell at someone like that. That is why I have my blog, to vent my frustrations.

Anyway, she calls the help desk 15 times and gets very upset because it isn't working and they can't fix it and the phone is ringing and everything is backed up. What does she mean by everything? Well most likely a copy needs to be made that she was told could "wait until tomorrow." When I am told a copy can wait until tomorrow, I do just that...wait until tomorrow. She freaks out and bulldozes her way to the copy machine telling everyone she is in a rush. Why create more stress for yourself Marge?

So it is one of "those" days and she looks like she wants to burst into tears. All over labels. What were the labels for you ask? Folders that didn't even need labeling. All that for nothing. Then she starts talking about missing lunch and being late for an appointment after work, because she got caught up with the labels and the copying (copies that “could wait until tomorrow”). Blah Blah Blah. Of course all of this could have been avoided if she hadn't bothered making labels that didn't need to be made, well that and if I had told her all she needed to do was go to page setup and change the paper tray. But she hardly listens to me anyway when I tell her how to do things, and as annoying as it is to see her get all worked up over nothing it is also kind of funny. Cruel maybe...but it is just soooo annoying having any unnecessary conversations with this woman.

Maybe she will take some time off from finding things for herself to do start surfing the net, stumble across this, realize it is about her, freak out, and than run out and get a prescription of Xanax.

There are lots of creepy men in New York. Every woman has a story (probably more than one) about some creepy dude who sexually harassed her on the tra

There are lots of creepy men in New York. Every woman has a story (probably more than one) about some creepy dude who sexually harassed her on the train, or at a bar, or in a cab, or on the street. You name it. One of my friends was kicked by a homeless man and not too long after that had some other dude sit down next to her on the train platform, start "touching himself" and rubbing her arm. I once had a homeless man grab my thigh then proceed to tell everyone else on the train about how great it was. Not to mention the many sexually explicit things I have had to hear from passers by and cab drivers or random men on street corners.

Perhaps my beauty is so overwhelming it forces men to speak from their "heart"? I sincerely doubt that is the case. I fear that there are just a bunch of sickos out there. And if EVERY woman I know has more than one story about some disgusting pervert doing/saying/touching something inappropriate, and it clearly isn't the same guy, then is it wrong for me to assume that every guy I know has done/said/touched something inappropriate? I don't know. But you all should just think about how you behave. Frankly it is getting annoying. It isn't like I walk around half naked either. In fact half the time I get harassed it is when I look like shit. Which makes me further believe there is something really wrong with these men.

The last couple nights I have gotten off the train and had the creepiest men in America walk slowly behind me. I am still slightly paranoid walking around the city by myself at night, but you know what they say...better paranoid than dead. If it is dark out and I am on a poorly lit street and some dude is creeping up behind me, how am I supposed to feel? "Oh I am so glad this big hairy dude I don't know, twice my size is walking right behind me...I feel so safe."

I feel like most men who have sisters, daughters, girlfriends, or friends of the female persuasion should know by now. But in case you don't, let me help you out. If you are walking closely behind a woman at night IT IS CREEPY!!! It doesn't matter if you are a good guy or if you know you aren't going to do anything. Just take my word for it, it is CREEPY. Why is there a need to walk so closely behind me unless you are actually going to mug me, rape me, then leave me for dead? It serves no other purpose.

It happens the same way every time. And even though it happens over and over again it still makes me feel uncomfortable. The first thing I do is turn around to take a look at him. I usually give the "why are you walking so close behind me look" and sometimes that works. Also, I was told that if you look your assailant in the face before they attack you they are less likely to come after you. And it is also good to see whether or not I stand a chance fighting him off. I'm not going out like a little bitch I'll tell you that right now. You want my bag and my cell phone...you can have it, anything more than that well, your in for a fight.

After the look, the next thing I do is slow down in hopes he gets the hint that he is making me uncomfortable. It also gives him a chance to walk past me. Men generally have longer legs than me so if I slow my pace he will have no problem moving along right? But inevitably the creepy guy slows down too...if I try to walk faster to out walk him...you guessed it he speeds up. It still amazes me that men can be that clueless.

Haven't these people ever heard of a safe traveling distance. You have to do it when you are driving a car, so why not when you are walking? If you are walking behind a woman at night who is by herself please do everyone a favor and either cross to the other side of the street or pass her. Don't whistle. Don't talk to yourself. Don't bang your keys on railings. Don't tell her she looks nice tonight. Don't ask who she is talking to on her cell phone. Don't ask where she is going or if you can come over. Just shut up, speed up, or cross the street. Unless you actually plan on attacking them...and if that's the case just get it over with. No need linger back there and have her wonder and worry.

I know that there aren't people following me around hoping to get a chance to mug me but it is just an extra annoying thing women have to think about. Perhaps it is the fact that you rarely have to worry about some man coming up behind you and dragging you into a dark alley and that is why you can be so insensitive. Let's just call this a public service announcement to all men out there. Please stop being creepy. Now that you have read this, you have no excuse. Tell your friends.

why i didn't like brokeback mountain

I saw Brokeback Mountain this weekend and I think I am the only person in America who didn't like it. ***Spoilers Ahead*** Sure there are some things I liked about it, I like Michelle Williams' character. Brokeback is a far cry from Dawson's Creek, although I always had my suspicions about Dawson and Pacey. I liked the way the movie spanned throughout their lives. I also liked when it ended. So the basic plot revolves around these two straight guys that fall in love. In 1963 or something. If you can get past the fact that even in 2006 two straight guys can't even brush hands with one another without freaking out it is even sort of believable. I guess all those lonely nights on the range, or wherever they were. But they say you fall in love with a person not a gender so I'll buy it.

Moving along. They are supposed to be in love but we all knew it could never work out. Doomed from the very beginning. How sad. But for whatever reason the director or writer or whoever was in charge, did a really bad job of getting me to believe they were actually in love. I just didn't feel the heartache. I know Heath and Jake weren't really in love in real life, but that's why they call it "acting." They forgot to act like they were in love. I did however feel bad for Michelle Williams, she is the only one I liked in this movie.

I wanted to feel bad for them, really. But perhaps it is just hard for me to feel bad for men who cheat on their wives. Yeah sure it was 1963 and it wasn't easy being gay. But come on. Give me a fucking break. Get a divorce and instead of pretending to be a happily married guy who has a secret boyfriend, pretend to be a happily divorced single guy who has a secret boyfriend. They just had a little fun on Brokeback and went back to their progressively disintegrating lives and carried on. They didn't seem heartbroken or depressed or anything. They both were in terrible marriages but that seemed to have more to do with being in a terrible marriage than their love affair with one another.

They went "fishing", went home, their lives got worse, they went "fishing", went home, their lives got worse...over and over for like twenty years. One guy finally left his wife but after how many years and how many trips to "Brokeback Mountain?" My god. I just didn't feel anything after I saw this movie except for the fact that I was glad it was over. It was really really long and really really slow. It was just more of the same over and over again until ***Spoilers Ahead*** the guy dies and then I was just thankful because I knew it meant it was almost over. This movie was over two hours long and NOTHING happened, except Anne Hathaway's hair kept getting blonder and blonder, they had some kids, one guy went to Mexico, the kids got older, one guy got a different girlfriend, and Jake Gyllenhaal got ugly and fat. But besides that not much else happened. Or maybe with all of Heath Ledger's mumbling I just missed everything.

I was told this movie would make me cry. I was really looking forward to it. Although I think I heard a few people in the theater crying, I am not quite sure what they were crying about. Even after the guy dies, it wasn't even that sad. And I will cry at some real stupid shit. Other people were touched by this movie. I was bored. It wasn't bad per se, just not that great.

Some people like long, slow movies, where nothing actually happens, but I don't. They could have done the same thing in like 45 minutes. But someone told me that long and slow was the point. So the point was to completely bore your audience? To make people wish that the movie would end sooner? To make people wonder how this movie managd to get nominated for so many awards? Well if that was the point - mission accomplished. But it just seems like a silly "point" to me. Erin really liked it, which further proves we have the complete opposite taste in movies and television shows.

It isn't like I am jaded and hate love stories either so I don't want to hear it. When Harry met Sally. Loved it. Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind. Terrific! I just hate love stories where the main characters are too consumed in their love for each other they have no problem fucking up everyone else's lives. I also hate love stories in which the people in love kill themselves or something equally as crazy. Like if it doesn't work out and they can't be together there is no reason to go on living. Come on. Like they can't get another date? Brokeback wasn't one of those kind of love stories. But still.

So all you guys out there that were looking for an excuse not to see this movie that didn't make you sound homophobic, just say you heard it was the longest, most boring, pointless, nothing happens movie in movie history.

throw it down big man...throw it down

Did anyone catch the last second win by the Sixers yesterday afternoon? Awesome! That put a smile on my face. I sure do love a buzzer beater. But Bill Walton fucking sucks, like he might be one of the worst people in America. I knew this before but it really hit home yesterday. He is completely biased against everything I believe in. EVERYTHING! I think we actually disagree on absolutely everything there is to disagree about. He always jumps to conclusions too early in the game. And he HATES the Sixers! I really feel bad for "Snapper" Jones. Having to listen to him on TV is bad enough I can't even imagine if I had to sit next to him game after game and actually see him talk out of his ass. At least I have a mute button.

I thought Bill was a goner after NBC lost the NBA but no, ABC was stupid enough to pick him up. He is just SO annoying. He never says anything smart or funny. He is however, always saying something EXTREMELY stupid. In fact I really think he actually makes a lot of stuff up. I have caught him being wrong on more than one occasion. And what the fuck do I know about basketball? So if I catch him making mistakes, imagine how many he is making that I don't catch. Does anyone actually like him? Is it supposed to be a joke he is on TV? A really bad joke? Well I don't get it? He makes watching basketball a truly excruciating experience. His voice makes me want to kill myself and his face makes me nauseous. And did you see the way he was attacking AI for talking to the officials? I mean come on Bill re-fucking-lax. It is a game. Let AI handle his business and stop condemning him for doing something all NBA players do. He acted like he was a criminal because he was questioning a call. The ref. is a grown man and I am sure he can handle whatever it was Allen was complaining about. That is their job after all.

And the way he took a shot at Antonio Davis for trying to protect his wife. Let's see what he would do if someone put their hands on his wife, or Luke for that matter. Well actually he would probably do nothing, and that shows exactly what kind of man he is. He was all like "fans need to know they are safe...." Safe from what? Basketball players? In all the years of the NBA, they had one slightly unsettling fan/player encounter. It isn't like Players are having uncontrolled fits of rage that force them into the stands every game. What next, are we going to put them in a cage to play basketball, so we can feel "safe"? If I were Bill I would be more worried about a fan throwing a bottle at the back of my head. And besides the people that can afford seats close enough to the court to be in any kind of "danger" from the players, can afford any medical bills that might arise from any altercation. Feel safe from the players. Please. Give me a break. Everyone just needs to relax. And Bill Walton needs to get fired.

please help

Will someone please tell me how to change my printer settings? How I made itthis far in life without knowing I will never know? I thought I knew how, but apparently I don't. My father would be ashamed. I thought about asking him how to do it but whenever I ask him how to do something computer related it just leads to a lot of frustration, on my part. Let's just say we don't speak the same language when it comes to computers.

I am not exactly sure how the printer got changed in the first place. Everything was fine for about a year and a half, then I clicked on something. What, I am still not sure, but it seems kind of ridiculous that clicking on something could change your default printer. I mean come on. Don't they know people just click things by accident sometimes. So now whenever I go to print I have to select the correct printer, if not it tries to send a fax. As you can imagine very annoying.

So I clicked on something and all I remember is this thing flashed across the screen. Of course I didn't bother reading it and I think I pressed OK. I say "I think" because I was in my normal work-day daze where I just go around clicking and copying without too much thinking. Also when it comes to computers I pretty much just click "OK" or whatever I have to click to get the message box to go away, so I can only assume that had a message box appeared I would have done whatever it wanted me to do in order to get it to disappear. "OK" "CONTINUE" "EXIT" whatever.

If there was a box that said "by clicking this box you will irreparably damage your computer" I would probably click it just to make it go away and then freak out an hour later because my computer is broken. I would then call my father hysterically because something "happened" to my computer. But we all know things don't just "happen" to computers. At least not my computers. Usually I "happen" to them. So I call up hysterical and my mom would answer, but I don't have time for her and I start in mid sentence "my computer is broken is Dad there?" although she is dismayed by my rudeness she doesn't want to be the one to deal with me in this state so she hands the phone over to Dad. "What happened?" he would ask "I don't know this thing came up and I clicked it and it said something about my computer and I don't know and then I turned it off and now it wont turn back on."

As I am explaining what "happened" to my computer I can hear him get in his "help Elizabeth with her computer" stance as he shuffles whatever he is doing out of the way to deal with the crisis at hand. My Dad would then of course remain calm while I continue to freak out. Mom would be in the background saying "what's going on?" But deep down she would know exactly what's going on because we have been through this more times than I care to admit.

Then he would ask me to find my warranty to see if that type of thing was covered "NO!! It isn't covered remember the last time." Then he would ask me all kinds of questions I don't know the answer to and I would, as I stated before, get really frustrated. I suppose "frustrated" is a nice way of putting it. After I am unable to get my father to understand the gravity of the situation and speak some kind of language that makes sense to me I would say "Forget it I will call Mark".

I always assume my brother knows some top secret Microsoft trick to fix things. And he usually does. So assuming he isn't out of the country or away from his phone he will find a way to fix it for me. So I end up freaking out over nothing. I guess I could just tell myself not to freak out at all because it will work itself out, but that just seems so unproductive. I could also call my brother immediately when a crisis occurs, but that seems unproductive too. Besides he is busy, there is a time difference, and I would miss out on valuable bonding time with my Dad. But I think I learned my lesson...really. after that whole MYDOOM virus or whatever I contracted last year no more hysterical phone calls home...well at least not about computers.

But that's not the point. The point is I can't fucking figure out how to get this computer to print to the right place. Why on earth would they even make sending a fax an option from my computer? Who am I to send a fax? Ridiculous. I guess I could just call the helpdesk, but don't you think that would be a little embarrassing? I sort of always had trouble selecting printers for whatever reason. But part of me always thought there was a "Printer Setup" option on the file menu. At least there is one in my head. But no. Page Setup, Print Preview, Print...USELESS! I am not sure why Print Preview gets such high billing. I mean I love the feature but come on who cares what it looks like once it is printed out if you can't get it to print at all. Duh. Perhaps I should send a memo to Bill Gates and tell him to get his ass out of his XBOX and start making Microsoft Word a little more user friendly. Or at least more "incompetent user" friendly. Anyway please help!

five minutes peace

Well OCD Donna is back. Marge is out for the day so Donna is subbing for her. She is the one who wont shut the fuck up, and wears a surgical mask on the train. She also has been known to do lunges or other visually unpleasing exercises at her desk. But I could put up with the mask and the lunges if she would just shut up for five seconds and give me a break. I guarantee it will take me ten times longer than usual to write this because it is hard to concentrate with someone's constant chatter in your ear.

Marge is out today getting her yearly mammography which she was very excited to tell EVERYONE who walked by yesterday. No one fucking cares. Whenever Marge takes time off she insists on giving everyone a very detailed explanation as to why she is out. "Well Liz...since I live in Staten Island (does that surprise anyone?) it just doesn't make sense to take halfa day. I mean by the time I get in here, I'd have to leave, ya know Liz? I just can't be rushed...and they way things are goin' I'll get stuck doing something for him and have to cancel. I mean I made this appointment months ago...ya know Liz... I just can't risk being late, ya know, I mean..." At this point I interrupt her with a "yeah it makes sense to take a whole day" because I know she will just continue if she is not stopped.

I don't care why she is out, and probably wouldn't have even noticed had they not sent Donna up to fill in. But whenever she is out for an appointment all she talks about is having to take a whole day because if she takes "halfa day" she might get stuck. I never actually ask her what she could possibly get stuck here doing since it has become very clear over the last year that she doesn't really do anything.

She refuses to leave a second before 5:30 even when both of her bosses are out. She always leaves at like 6:00 and then complains about it, but I am not quite sure what she does during that extra half hour. Anyway, one day I stayed late for some OT and I watched to see what she did that made her leave so late. Pretty much the same thing she does all day...nothing. Sitting. Standing. Some pacing. Nervously checking emails that she cehcked five hours ago. Re-reading office memos from last month. Just the general neurotic secretary type things. She stays late because she is re-doing things that didn't need to get done in the first place. She brings it on herself, so I don't have much sympathy.

Anyway Marge is out because of her "yearly mammography" and I don't feel bad telling you that because she would tell you herself if she was given the opportunity. It is like she thinks people go around talking about their mammographies. Not like she should be ashamed but again...no one cares. I don't go telling everyone "I will be out tomorrow...yearly dental exam." No one cares.

Unfortunately Donna is here to fill in. The first thing she does in the morning when she comes in, is to douse the desk in Windex. It took her a while to find some this morning and she refused to sit down until her entire desk could be cleaned. Then she went on and on about how could someone let someone else sit at their desk and not want to clean it off when they get back. She acted like the company was practically infringing upon her civil liberties by not have free Windex at every desk.

She scrubs the phone, desk, and chair (yes the chair) in order to avoid the germs. She asks me how I feel about other people sitting at my desk. "I don't really care...what could they have that I am going to catch?" That's what I said. "well lots of times people are out because they are sick." After everything has been wiped down she can, as she said "touch my nose and face without having to worry." Worry about what? How long can germs possibly live off the body? And even if god forbid there were germs that stayed alive on my phone or keyboard we aren't talking cancer or anything. Unless there has been an outbreak of Ebola in NYC that I was unaware of I will take my chances. Who knew there were so many infectious diseases just floating around a regular office building. This woman must break out in hives if she ever has to enter a hospital.

Maybe she is just taking precautions because of the bird flu. But my guess is that if this "bird flu" is as bad as they are acting like it is going to be, a little Windex isn't going to help. And if the person I sit next to is out because she has the bird flu then chances are I am going to have the bird flu. Surely she wouldn't be able to get away with spraying me with Windex, so she can scrub her phone all she wants but she is still one sneeze away from me infecting her. So really there is no point.

Sure I hate sick people just as much as the next guy, but give your immune system a chance to do its job. She also stunk up the whole office with the smell of disinfectant. After everything had been cleaned it was as if you could see a calm come over her. She could now relax and start annoying me in other ways. She gave me her normal spiel about how being a floater is hard and you have to cover yourself or you might get fired. Then she went on to tell me about all the people in the entire company who have dated each other and how she couldn't imagine going to work with someone you had slept with.

At this point my head starts throbbing and I am looking for an out. I make eye contact with everyone who walks by in hopes that they will stop and save me. But they don't. I pray for the phone to ring or for someone to give me something to do. Yes I would rather be working than talking to this woman. No one comes to my rescue, so I must rescue myself. I just turn and face my computer and try to look busy or something. But that doesn't stop her. Now she is telling different stories about how certain people got fired. Then she starts talking about the person my friend works for. She was clearly gossiping. I of course have no moral objection to gossip, but at least make it interesting. I don't care about how someone else got a really good bonus, I also don't care about the fact that an attorney caught you looking at pictures of his children in his office. Then she told me that it is ok to gossip because everybody talks about everybody else. That's news to me. I have no fucking clue who half these people here are and I prefer to keep it that way.

Why is this happening? Marge hardly does enough to require a substitute. And why must it be the world's most obnoxious woman. Karma, must be karma. Somewhere along the way I sat next to someone and talked endlessly about things they don't care about and ignored any effort they made to shut me up. I guess that doesn't seem so far fetched. But she is just soooooo annoying.

For a while they were sending this woman Joan to fill in for Marge. She is the best sub. Besides trying to get me involved in her obsessive fascination with American Idol she left me alone. Partly because she couldn't hear anything. Which I am sure sucked for her, but was nice for me. Donna just wont shut up. She has a coupon for this store and has to stop at this other store. My god. I know her whole life story. I know what she has for lunch today. In fact not only that, I know that she is leaving for lunch a little earlier than usual and she already ate half of her sandwich. She will eat the rest of it after lunch because she is probably going to go to the gym and work-out. See, I don't need to know that. Why can't the half deaf lady come back? Sure she couldn't hear anything you said, but at least that meant peace and quiet for me.

i'm trapped in a big clear box

Being at work all day makes me feel like I am trapped in a big clear box that I am unable to break out of. No one seems to notice I am even in the box except for the dude who is slowly but surely cutting off my air supply. If I were to start screaming “get me out of here!!!” people would think I am crazy and have me committed, so I can’t do that. There must be some way out of the box because I somehow managed to get in here. So once I figure that out things will be just fine. This job is so demoralizing, debilitating and depressing (alliteration eh?). What’s a girl to do? But for whatever reason no one else wants to hire me.

People are always saying “it could be worse.” Well that doesn’t make me feel any better. Duh, it can ALWAYS get worse. It could even get worse for the guy who has to cleans out port-a-potties for a living. Just because it can get worse doesn’t mean it doesn’t suck. You could always get demoted, take a pay cut, or get fired. There is always a harder, more boring, more annoying, and dirtier job out there. But I hardly think “it could always be worse” is something to hang your hat on. If it’s bad, it’s bad, it doesn’t matter how bad in relation to other people’s badness, if it is bad for you no matter how good it might be for other people it is still on some level – bad. So I don’t see why people are constantly pointing out that it could get worse. Who are you helping?

Today I was actually busy. Busy doing god knows what. But I hardly got a second to relax. I ended the day by entering a million and one contacts into Matt’s outlook “contacts” folder and by the time I was finished all the numbers were starting to blur together. I hope he doesn’t try to call someone from the list because any names I entered between 4:30 and 5:00 are pretty much guaranteed to be missing a few numbers or have some sort of misspelling. But what can you expect from me? I am just a secretary and I pretty bad one at that.

It was a day of frustrations but it is over now. Lots of little things to do that I really hope I didn’t get too mixed up. I don’t know why I care all of a sudden, but I can’t help but think I sent the wrong clients the wrong bill. But I suppose if that's the case they will call and complain when they get it, and then I will get fired. Then Matt’s new secretary will send them the correct bill and they will pay it. So it will all get worked out in the end and the right clients will eventually pay the right bill, so no need to worry. I have resigned myself to the fact that I will never do anything to really help the people I work for. Which I guess could be a good thing because at least I can enjoy the fact that I am definitely not making any kind of positive contribution to the corporate world. I should have known that this job would lead to a feeling of uselessness because even in our training session when I first started working here they specifically told us not to say "can I help you?" when we answer the phone. I guess because everybody that works here knows we don’t do anything. And how can someone who doesn’t do anything help anyone?

But I knew it would be one of those days when I came in and there were a billion things on my chair. Just some copies to be made and things to deliver. But give me a fucking break. At least give me a chance to sit down. So after I made my billionth copy and took a “Zen” moment in hopes I wouldn’t lash out in rage at the copy machine I headed down to 15 to hand deliver some stuff. Whatever it was I was hand delivering looked as if it could be important. But come on. How come it had to be hand delivered? Matt wasn’t even in and probably wouldn’t have ever found out if I had sent it down in inter-office mail or gotten one of the messengers to take it down for me, but I would have known. And although I don’t ever go out of my way to help I hardly find it appropriate to disobey a direct order.

Sure, I guess I can see why he would want it hand delivered. I mean who wants important papers floating around interoffice mail with unimportant papers. We are lucky anything ever gets where it is going. But why me? Why? Maybe if it were down the hall, but we are talking the 15^th floor. That is five floors, two elevators, and three hallways away. Not to mention a whole lot of standing, walking, and wandering around looking for offices. Just really annoying. I hardly see the difference between me hand delivering something and one of the people in the mailroom hand delivering something. I mean come on. They get paid to do it. They are probably much better at it. Once I get to a floor I have to wander around looking for the office. They know right where to go. And not to mention the fact that it is first thing in the morning and the person I am hand delivering this shit to isn’t even in yet. So what’s the rush? Can someone tell me why all that walking around the office was necessary?

I think since I get paid to do nothing, the people I work for must get paid to annoy me. Yeah that sounds right. Seems like a waste of time and they should just start giving people half days. Wouldn’t that be nice? If wherever you worked just randomly sent out a mass email every once and a while and sent everyone home early. How wonderful. Sure some of you out there actually have shit to do and wouldn’t be able to partake. But I assume you probably make more than me and you should stay just because of that. I ask for so little.

baby pitt

While my brother was in town he treated me to dinner – which he of course “expensed.” For those of you that don’t know what that means, it is what rich people do when they are on business trips. So people who have fancy high-paying jobs that fly them all over the world get to eat out for free in some of the cities finest restaurants. But if you have a fancy high-paying job that flies you all over the world, can’t you afford to pay for your own dinner? Yes. But that isn’t the point. The point is I got a free meal. I also got some motivation to get a job that allows me to “expense” things. The big news of the day came when I learned my brother is an Emmy award winning…whatever it is he does. Something with technical stuff – user interface – I don’t know. He doesn’t actually get the Emmy. It is in an office building somewhere, but we were encouraging him to go get a picture taken with it. He wasn’t too thrilled about this whole Emmy thing, so that is why I put it on my blog. Ya know so everyone will know.

My brother's friend Matt joined us at dinner. Matt also happens to be having a baby. Well, Matt's wife Kim is doing the actual having of the baby, but nonetheless Matt is still attending Lamaze classes solo and preparing for the birth of his first child. Being a younger sibling I can attest to the fact that that first is of course the favorite so Baby Pitt #1 is in store for lots of love and attention.

Kimberly is off in Texas with her family so I unfortunately didn’t get to see her but I assume she is at least mildly excited (excited about the baby that is). That is the thing about having a baby, people are always very excited. Parents, grandparents, friends, uncles, aunts, everyone is excited. Strangers on the street go up to pregnant women everyday very excited asking to touch their stomachs. Personally I think that is a complete invasion of space and there should be a law against it. Just because you are pregnant doesn’t mean you want some strange sicko with a stomach fetish rubbing your belly. But anyway point being usually when you get new things you are this excited about like a car, a house, a flat screen TV (no Matt & Kim I am not comparing your baby to a flat screen TV) the thing you are excited about getting does something. But as anyone who has seen a baby can attest, babies don't really do much of anything, at least not in the beginning. But they have got a good 15 years before the kid starts to cause any serious damage so they might as well be excited about it.

One of the reasons I wish I could have seen Kimberly, besides the fact that she is funny, is because she is probably pretty big right now and there wont be many chances to see her in “the family way.” And apparently this time she is pretty big because they found out last week that the baby is growing at an alarming rate. Either Kimberly is going to give birth to the largest baby known to man or she will be delivering a little sooner than expected – for her sake I hope it is the latter. But either way Mother Nature knows what she’s doing and I am sure they will be more than pleased with the outcome. Well they better be…there are no returns with this one guys!

They have decided not to find out whether it is a boy or a girl. This is a decision I whole-heartedly support. Apparently some people disagree. I say if other people are so invested in whether or not it is a girl or a boy they should go out and have their own baby. It is theirs and they can do what they want with it. But for all you doubters out there, there is a pretty good chance that whatever is inside Kimberly at this moment is either a boy or a girl so you should just relax and wait another couple months. I have gotten confirmation that they will be sending out a mass email after Baby Pitt has entered the world that will say when and where he/she was born and I am sure they will some how find enough room to mention whether it was a boy or a girl. Although it would be kind of funny if they didn’t. But regardless of all that Baby Pitt is well on its way to being a functional member of society. Its genetic make up is probably already in place and I can assure you all it had its selection of one of the finest gene pools I have come across. It will probably not only be the cutest baby ever but really smart and funny too.

I can already tell Matt is going to be very protective of Baby Pitt. I mentioned that once the baby was born they had a built in prop for their next Christmas card. I'm not so sure if he though it was that funny. But imagine the possibilities! I am very excited to see the baby. I even promised to baby-sit. But I wont touch it until it is at least a few months old. I don't want to mess it up right away. Give them a few months to enjoy nature's version of perfection before I do something wrong with it. I do have a tendency to break things…especially things that are brand new. Although I do hear babies aren't as breakable as they seem, but that whole “you break it you buy it” thing doesn’t really work in this situation.

Well anyway I wish them lots of luck and happiness and not too many poopy diapers. Perhaps Mark can help teach Matt and Kim how to expense part of their baby? I hear they can be rather expensive. Even I managed to run up quite the hefty tab with my folks. But I have a plan in the works that will allow me to pay them back at some point…in like a while.

everybody hates liz

I think everyone who works at this company hates me. I don't know why. Sure, I could think of a million and one reasons to hate me but they don't know me well enough to know all that stuff. The people in the mailroom like me. But that's all. Accounting, payroll, administration, even one of the tech support guys - they all hate me. I don't know what I did. I don't know anyone who works here, so what could I have done? Everyone will go on and on in great detail about how nice so and so is and how he/she will always get right back to you and answer all your questions. But when I call them up and ask for help I get hung up on, an attitude, or even worse...voicemail!! They don't return my phone calls or my emails or anything. What could I have done to get people so annoyed? I can be rather pleasant when given a chance. I swear.

Maybe I am just being narcissistic and it is all just a coincidence and bad timing. Maybe it has nothing to do with me at all. Maybe there is something about my internal body clock that knows exactly when to call people at the worst possible time. Maybe that is why they always cop a 'tude. Maybe I just always call or email when they have reached their limit with everyone else and are so fed up with their job they are forced to be an ass to the next person who calls, which is inevitably me. I sure hope that's it because I don't particularly like the idea of an entire department hating me. Or anyone for that matter. Like I said I can be rather pleasant when given the opportunity. I always say please and thank you.

I had a little run in with a woman from accounting. That is what led to this post. Not really a "run in" per se but she made it very clear I was the last person she wanted to be talking to. She also made it VERY clear that not only was I extremely annoying but I would be the person she talked about when she was telling her husband she had a bad day. Since Matt is a partner now he and I are left to figure out all the intricacies of client billing. I called with a few questions but she didn't want to help me! No one will help! No one. I have a thousand questions but they hang up before I can even finish the first. Yes they are busy, but how do they expect me to learn anything if they don't teach me. Don't you think it would be better to answer a question once then have me call back a million times?

With this whole partner thing, all of a sudden overnight I have a whole new set of responsibilities. My name isn't going on any letterhead so why should I be stressed about it? If you didn't know by now I am not to keen on responsibility at this job. It all just seems like a colossal waste of time. But I want to help Matt out in whatever way possible but I have no idea what I am doing. I hardly even know enough about billing to even ask the right questions. I feel so useless - even more than usual.

On top of figuring out how to bill clients, now I have to create a new file. Sometime between now and the end of the month I have to get a folder and mark it with the client name, then put it in a cabinet. I get exhausted just thinking about it. I currently don't have any folders the right size, or the right labels. So I have to order all that, then find room in a cabinet. Blah. How did I get so fucking lazy? Let this be a lesson to all you kids out there. What lesson? I don't know something about not taking a job at a law-firm or something.

Today went by fast, I can't believe it is almost time to go. I am still recovering from a massive paper cut I received yesterday from some 10-K's or whatever it is called. And I am trying not to let the effects of the large Cherry Coke I ordered at lunch become visible to the people in the office. I was a little on edge to begin with this morning because of all this nonsense with accounting now add caffeine and sugar to the mix. I can hardly think straight. I feel like I could do cartwheels down the hall. Do you think you can get fired for that? My one work friend got fired and they gave her two weeks severance pay. So maybe when I find a new job instead of quitting I will pull a George Costanza and do a bunch of crazy things to try and get fired. It is pretty hard to get fired around here though, and I don't think I would want that on my record.

this is your life...and it's only wednesday

One of the partners was in the elevator with me this afternoon. She asked how I was and I told her I was tired. She then went on to say in a very excited way "At least it's Wednesday!" Well that thinking doesn't do me a whole bunch of good. By my math that still means I have to come in two more days this week. And that's just this week! Not to mention the four days next week and the five days the week after that. But who's counting. We continued our awkward conversation for a few more floors then finally the doors opened. I prefer to stand quietly in the elevator. No one else who was riding with us gave a damn how I was doing, I don't even think she cared. So why bother? But I guess you have to be polite. But do you? Other people here have no problem whatsoever being rude and impolite. But two wrongs don't make a right and I suppose I shouldn't sink to their level.

Besides that nagging feeling that I forgot to do something really important, today was actually kind of nice. Andy had lots of unusual requests and that keeps me on my toes. I even found an easier way to get the phone numbers from his old phone transferred to his new one. The days of manually entering numbers for me is over! I wish someone had told me about that a few phones ago. I think this is his fifth phone in less than a year. Must be some kind of record. His phone died, his blackberry died all in the same morning. I am not quite sure how he makes it through the day. He seems a little stressed but I'm sure he will be fine.

Matt is still excited about becoming partner. Besides the pay difference which I imagine is substantial he now gets his very own book of dial-car vouchers and some brand new fancy business cards not to mention a lot more respect around here. He can also "open new jobs" which to me just sounds like giving yourself more work to do, but hey he's the boss. I am very happy for him he has finally accomplished one of his life goals. Next on the list, get the wife pregnant - and just think in ten years he can have a mid-life crisis and that means he gets to buy a Porsche.

My brother is in town for the weekend and I got my parents involved which always manages to generate unnecessary confusion. I just thought it would be nice to have dinner with everyone. But things always seem to get complicated. They would all like to blame it on me but I really don't think it is my fault. At least not this time. We simply should have just told them when and where to meet us but it has ballooned into a 15 part email about when and where and what. How hard is it to pick a night for dinner? Apparently it is excruciatingly difficult. Come on people.

But then again life is just a series of little crises. Or in my family a series of little crises that are treated like big crises. Ok Maybe not my family...me. I'm working on it...like when the doorknob came off in my hand this morning. I didn't freak out too much. In fact part of me thought "well the doorknob is broken, can't go anywhere...better stay home from work." But I managed to stick it back on at least temporarily. Part of me wanted it to fall off again because then I would have had no choice but to stay home. But I can't go around taking days off because my doorknob is broken.

Anyway I am going to go send out some more resumes. You would be amazed at all the new jobs that are out there since the New Year. I think a new job is just around the corner.

the annoying mailroom guy who also happens to be obsessive compulsive

So it has been a while but apparently men in the mailroom still can't get enough of me. I am not sure what it is, perhaps it is the way I label my envelopes, or how I lick my stamps. Whatever it is, it drives them crazy. I have nothing against anyone from the mailroom. They work harder than I do and they sure do make my job a lot easier, but can I please come to work and not have to get hit on like I am at some grimy bar. When you are at a bar or a party you expect these sorts of things. But at work. Come on. The word inappropriate springs to mind.

I have had a few mailroom suitors (don't even let me get started about security guards). The guy that left me a note asking me out doesn't work on my floor anymore, the guy that kept winking at me got fired, or quit or something. The other overly friendly guy that found it necessary to engage me in meaningless conversation every time he walked by (and also stunk of cheap cologne) seems to have disappeared as well. Can't they find anyone better to hit on? And it isn't just me, these guys get around, hitting on different women on different floors of the company. Using the firm as their own little dating pool. Again inappropriate. What do they think? If you are a secretary under the age of 30 you want some random guy staring at you and winking and shit. Please. Leave me alone.

Anyway this guy wont take a hint. I suppose it is my fault. I was overly nice to him in the beginning because I thought he was special. No not the kind of special that you bring home to meet your parents, the kind of "special" you put quotes around and may or may not send to Erin's school. This is the obsessive compulsive mailroom guy that you have heard me talk about before. So annoying.

Whenever he happens by and Marge is away from her desk he starts talking to me. Which is annoying on many levels. Usually I am reading or daydreaming or doing something that I do not want to be interrupted from. Also, it makes me extremely uncomfortable because he is the most awkward man on the face of the earth.

Anyway, Kit is one of those men that has long hair but is going bald at the same time. It is always pulled back in a low pony tail. I kind of imagine him being that weird kid in your high school. Not the weird kid who would become violent, but the weird kid who would jerk off in the bathroom and bang his head against the wall after failing spelling tests (we all had one of those). The kid who had no social life anyone knew of and spent hours studying and reading but was never actually very smart. The kind of person who was completely dedicated to his school work but got bad grades. The kind of kid that teachers wouldn't want to call on because he would never stop talking.

I also imagine him to have some weird ritual with the mail. He is obsessive compulsive after all. Once the mail is in the mail boxes he rearranges it every time he walks by, even if nothing has changed since his last visit. If he goes through all that after the mail has arrived at its destination I can't even imagine what he does to it before it gets here. Maybe I don't want to think about that.

I also think he has some problem with walking down hallways at the same time as other people. When he has to pass someone, he jerks, and stops, and starts, then stops completely once he realizes there is no escape and presses his back and arms against the wall until he is as flat as possible and stands there and waits for you to pass. This of course he does when he is a good ten feet away from you. Maybe he is afraid of getting trapped in the hallway, maybe he has body dysmorphic disorder and thinks he is 500 pounds and can't fit through at the same time as other people? I don't know.

Anyway Marge was at lunch and he came to have me sign for something. He is always speaking in a French accent, he isn't from France. "Elizabet - may I have your autograph" (say that in a French accent). I sign, and look away. I look up, he's still there. I smile that "why are you still looking at me go away you creep" smile. I get up and turn around taking more time than necessary placing some junk on Marge's chair hoping he will be gone when I turn around. No such luck. He is just standing there waiting for me to make eye contact so he can go on talking to me. I hold out as long as possible, but you can only ignore someone for so long.

So then he starts shaking, which is what I imagine he does when he gets nervous. Then he is talking and asking questions and giving me that look. "Yes" "No" "I don't know". The one word answers don't stop him. He is still talking and asking. I just don't want to give him any ideas. After looking away pretending to type something, I look back and he is STILL there! Then he notices my book. Great. I am stuck for another five minutes of questions and one word answers. He is still shaking and I am wishing he would shake himself down the hall and to the elevator so I can relax.

Mental note to all you guys out there. When hitting on someone who is reading a book called "Friday Night Lights" with pictures of football players on the cover I wouldn't go on a rant about how you are physically unable to sit through an hour of any kind of sporting event. I mean who is this guy? Who can't sit through a sporting event? Certainly not anyone I would go out with. What is he Katherine or something? He even said "I mean maybe it could be funny." What's funny about sports? Sure funny things happen in sports but sports aren't funny. Did he think he would win points by talking about how over paid athletes were? I don't believe he actually used the word barbaric, but something along those lines. Obviously not my kind of guy.

Maybe he is just being nice? I don't think so. You can see it in his eyes. I fear he isn't as innocent as he seems. I should send out a mass email too all the other women in the company to see if he is pulling this shit with them. This "asperger syndrome" game doesn't work with me. But I fear it must work on some women or he wouldn't be doing it. He comes off as non-threatening and nice. Because women often forget that non-threatening nice men like to have sex too. You think "well he isn't funny or cute and I don't want to slept with him, but he is so nice, we could be friends." Meanwhile he just waits until you put your guard down. This doesn't happen to me because my guard is always up but many an earth and water sign have fallen for it. Well the OCD fake French accent thing isn't going to work with me!! It is just creepy.

what did i do today?

The Giants lost (sorry guys) so that put me in a good mood, but victory isn't as sweet when it isn't the Eagles beating them. Well, there's always next year. Today has been really quiet (boring). Sometimes I look at the clock and wonder what the hell have I been doing all day? By now some people have probably completed business proposals, had conference calls, maybe even a staff meeting. I forget what real work actually entails. People tell me about stuff they do at their jobs, and it just blows my mind. I had a real job once. Really I did. It was kind of nice. I mean if I am going to wake up at the crack of dawn, I might as well do something.

What did I do today? It is 2:51. I made some small talk with Jill from the mailroom this morning. She hurt her foot on Friday and I wanted to see how she was doing. I reserved a car for this afternoon (Jake has an important meeting to go to). Let's see what else... oh yeah I made three copies around 11:00am but other than that I am not quite sure. I didn't even read any news this morning. Time flies. Think of all the things that could have been accomplished this morning. Well you know what they say "tomorrow is another day!"

she makes my head hurt

People have been in a very cheery mood here at the office, including myself. Great way to start off the new year. Last year sucked. There are a bunch of new partners, including Matt. We are all very proud. Not that I really had anything to do with it but I feel some pride associated with the whole thing because I am his secretary. He really is great. One of the good guys. And besides even after I leave here it would be nice to stay in touch. Always good to have a lawyer to call to bail you out. Plus he might know how to launder money or something like that. That might come in handy. One of these days, maybe even before I quit I will ask him and Andy what it is they actually do. I know it has something to do with conference calls and free lunches, but beyond that I can't call it.

Marge is annoying the shit out of me today. May she be well, but give me a break. It all had to do with the location of some boxes. I will spare you all the details that I unfortunately had to live through but it all ended with her storming off to lunch in a fuss and carrying on about how she should never have come in today. Well I second that. Then she threw something at her desk and went on about how upset she is. Well I am upset too. Because now I have a headache. All because of these boxes. Boxes that don't really matter. It wasn't even work related. So what if the boxes didn't make it there by 2:00pm?

She just went on and on about the mailroom this the mailroom that. My god woman! I kept saying "there is nothing you can do, there is nothing you can do. Go to lunch." But she was determined to stay at her post until the boxes arrived at the desired location. Then she freaks because she misses her lunch because of these kinds of things. No Marge you missed your lunch because you are a neurotic irascible woman with an anxiety disorder who gets all worked up about nothing.

I will be the first to admit, I can get worked up. But it is usually about something important, like Taboo or sports. Things I have a personal investment in. What does she give a fuck how long it takes to get the boxes there or how they get there? I mean as long as they get there. And honestly even if they didn't. An "oops" and "I'm sorry" is pretty much enough to get you out of any problem at this place. Whatever it is, it can always be bought again. She has worked here 26 years what does she think they are going to fire her because some boxes took too long to get delivered? And as I said before it wasn't even business related! Plus if you are going to get worked up about something at least get worked up about something that you can do something about. She is just endlessly annoying...ENDLESSLY.

To top it off some person sat at my desk and fucked up the cord on my phone. You know how it gets all wound up and hard to use? So I tried to do myself a favor and asked for a new one. But it wouldn't stay in the plug, it kept slipping out. So I asked for another one. Guess what? Still not working. It is really annoying. If I want it to work I have to literally hold the cord into the plug. This of course while holding the receiver and "taking a message." No one can understand anything I am saying. Of course the phone lady doesn't believe me. She gave me step by step instructions on how I am supposed to put the cord into the phone and wait to hear it click. Like I am some kind of idiot. Duh! She didn't really like the idea of sending me a new phone cord to begin with, I don't think I will be able to get a third one out of her. Well whatever. I just don't like being talked to like I am a child.

I also have had a craving for Mac & Cheese lately. The real kind. As I was falling asleep last night I was thinking "I gotta get that recipe." This morning low and behold two of the top five emailed articles at NYTimes.com were about Macaroni and Cheese. So now I have the recipe, all I need is to buy some cheese. All you vegans watch out.

when was the last time you saw me root for anyone besides the eagles?

Are you ready for some football? Well I'm not. This is the first January in years that I haven't lost sleep over the Eagles. The first time I haven't been obsessed with looking at stats, predictions, and articles. The first year in ages I haven't been pissed off that the national media is underrating the Eagles. The first year I haven't been giddy with excitement. It will be interesting to watch the playoffs with nothing on the line. I used to know every possible scenario and what would happen if so and so won and all that jazz. Now it sort of hurts to go to espn.com.

I will of course have plenty of teams to root against. But who do I root for? One thing I've learned is it is much more fun to watch sports when you have a team to cheer for and get excited about. It pains to me to even have to think in these terms, cheer for a team that isn't the Eagles? I usually just end up picking the underdog or the team that has been notoriously bad. But it is a very surface excitement. Never the deep down kind of excitement. Not that I would know the deep down excitement of winning a championship but I assume it is deep down.

Anyway when looking for a team to "support" when the Eagles are out of it I look for a team that hasn't had any direct impact on the Eagles during my lifetime. Well, negative impact. That leaves pretty much AFC teams...but even then. I went to school in Massachusetts and I am a Michigan fan, so "New England" (I use quotes because last time I checked "New England" wasn't a state) would make sense. Except we all know what happened last year. Plus "New England" fans are so fucking annoying and cocky. They get to win everything. Give someone else a fucking chance.

Washington and New York - No and No. For obvious reasons. Carolina? Well let's be honest, it still makes me sick to see their jerseys. Who gave them a football team anyway? Carolina? North or South? Hello. Pick a state people! Jake Delhomme pisses me off too.

Tampa Bay. Well I think we all know the answer to that one. NO FUCKING WAY! Sure John Gruden used to be the Eagles offensive coordinator, but I think we all remember the debacle that was our second NFC Championship defeat. Yes I said OUR.

Seattle? No. Sure they are birds too. And even green. My brother lives there so I have some connection. But I can't forget that Monday night in early December. And Hasselbeck's sister-in-law is a real fucking bitch - plus I think she is a republican too.

Jacksonville. I am just so indifferent about them, it would be impossible to cheer them on. Florida has too many football teams anyway and I just never really liked them. Sure if it came down to it I could get it up enough to cheer for them over say the Giants or a team like that. But when I think of Jacksonville for whatever reason I still think of Mark Brunell and to be honest, I don't like thinking about Mark Brunell. I know Byron Leftwich this, Byron Leftwich that. Suck my dick.

Do I root for the Colts because I feel bad for Tony Dungy? Peyton Manning doesn't bother me nearly as much as he used to. Do I cheer for Cincinnati because they aren't ever any good? What about Pittsburgh - they are after all from Pennsylvania too. But perhaps they are just a little too close to home. And there is just something about Bill Cowher and this Ben Roethlisberger character that doesn't sit well. What about Chicago? Well I can only think about the fog bowl. I was only like 7 but they don't let you forget anything in Philly. Denver just bores me. And why is Mike Shanahan still in the picture?

Well I guess that is everyone. So the Bengals or the Colts. I would never dare root for the Colts under normal circumstances. They are too much of a favorite, and I hate dome teams. But I feel so bad for Tony Dungy and his family. But football isn't about pity. So I guess it's the Bengals. Just as long as I ignore the fact that Carson Palmer is their QB I should be able to do it. This is just a no win situation. I just don't get it. 32 teams in the NFL and there is something wrong with every last one of them...well except the Eagles - they of course are perfect. I guess I will just be reduced to cheering against teams. That can be fun too. I can almost get that deep down excited feeling when a team I hate loses.

By the way I came in second in my football pool this year. I am pretty pissed. I was trying for a three-peat. Just a few points short. It was those two games in the beginning of the season when I picked Arizona to win. I know. I know. But people thought they were going to be good this year, well, better. But I suppose it is karma. Last year I won $250 because of a 5 point Arizona win over Tampa Bay. Everything comes full circle. At least this year, second place (eeeew I hate even just typing second place), gets a cash prize. There's always next year!

One more thing. Did anyone watch the game last night? I saw parts of it. But from what I watched they kept talking about how big Vince Young is. Over and over. About how USC had some guy that size stand in so they could get used to playing against a QB that big. Dan Fouts or whatever the fuck his name is said it like 50 times. 6'5" 233. Yeah that is big, I'll give you that. But USC's very own Matt Leinart is listed at 6'5" 225. Forgive me if my math is off because I didn't use a calculator but that would only be about an 8 pound difference. I just don't get it. 8 pounds! How come they didn't spend twenty minutes talking about how big Matt Leinart was? 8 pounds people. I think we all know why but please don't get me started on that one.

back to work...again

I made potato latkes last night and not only did I cut myself but my fingers still smell like onions. I love onions but I don't particularly want to smell like them. But it was for Eris' birthday dinner so it was all well worth it. Once I get started I actually rather enjoy cooking. It was a nice end to a long weekend.

I am back at work. I had to come back eventually, so why not today? I thought briefly about calling in sick again but I didn't want things to snowball out of control. Once I cross a line it is very hard for me to go back, and I could just see myself calling in sick until all my vacation days had been used up. Having a good work ethic is overrated. You call up and say “I am not coming in”. They say ok - no questions asked. In fact when I called yesterday the woman seemed shocked I even bothered to call at all. And I still get paid. Wondrous!!

I wish jobs didn't require attendance EVERYDAY. If I could come in every once in a while, when I was in the mood to get out of the house or to do something slightly more productive than sitting on the couch, that would be great. Or if I needed to mail some stuff but didn't feel like waiting in line at the post office I could come in and do that. Or if I was bored and hungry and they were having a luncheon. Or maybe even if I just wanted to help out a little. Or maybe if attendance was mandatory only once a week. Or If I had an 11:00am - 3:00pm with Fridays off kind of schedule. But no. If you have a job you have to come in everyday - all day. It seems like craziness to me but people around here have really taken to it. It seems like I am the only one complaining about how much we work. I don't even work the most hours! And I don't even do any work!

I, of course, am constantly racking my brain to see if I can find some other way to support myself - besides working. Well, I have absolutely no marketable skill or talent. I don't have any unmarketable skills or talents either for that matter. A few people were talking the other day about getting back into their hobbies. I never really had one so I guess that means I will just continue doing whatever it is I waste my life doing. But I wish them all much luck with their hobbies.

That used to upset me, that I had no hobby/skills. When I was younger it bothered me because I knew there was no chance I would be ever crowned Miss America simply because I didn't have a talent. I can't play anything, I can't sing or dance or do anything like that. I suppose I could have learned something - I tried. But it didn't take and I always quit. It doesn't bother me so much anymore except when people ask me what my hobbies are. Some potential employers actually ask that at interviews. What the fuck do they care as long as I show up for work? "What are your hobbies?" "What do you do for fun?" I clearly can't say drink beer and write on my blog. What do they want to hear? "Well funny you should ask because I am actually in the middle of composing a four part sonata and on the weekends I am up at my vineyard hand picking grapes." Wouldn't they prefer that I have absolutely nothing going for me besides my job. That way I can be glued to my desk like a crazy person. What do they care if I have a hobby? When asked this I usually make something up on the spot, but I think they can tell I am lying.

I haven't had a job interview for a few months and I am afraid I might lose my edge. Not that I had any kind of edge that was able to get me a job...but still, I was in a groove. I am afraid if I ever get called for an interview again I will just come off as really annoyed, like they are wasting my time. Which of course they inevitably are because none of these people ever seem to have any intention of giving me a job, more on that later. But maybe that is what I need, a little more job interview attitude. Maybe that will work. Perhaps the smart, funny, charming Liz isn't enough for them – maybe that’s not what they are looking for. Maybe they can see past it. Maybe the sarcastic, impatient, and annoyed Liz is the Liz they want. Maybe when they start asking useless questions I could just say “are we done yet? Because I called in sick for this interview and I was hoping to get some shopping done. I wont steal office supplies, at least not expensive ones, and I will show up on time. Can we do the rest of this over email?” I’ll give it a try and let you know how it goes.

Oh yeah before I go how come I keep seeing women in big puffy coats that are the color yellow that should only be reserved for taxi cabs and school buses? Whoever started this trend should be shot. I am all for yellow, but come on people. Everything in moderation. I know the city is dangerous and there are cars darting about but please if you are wearing it just to avoid getting hit by a car it isn't necessary. If anything it is making people want to hit you even more. Who ever wakes up and goes to the store thinking “gee, all I want today is a big, puffy, school bus yellow winter down coat!” What stores even sell these? I just don’t know.

happy new year!

I woke up this morning and I seem to have lost my voice again. So I decided to "work" from home. I say work from home because I actually realized that being home from work means that I have to do all that crap I do at work, on my own time. That sucks. Making appointments, phone calls, running errands, looking for jobs, paying bills, e-mailing old friends, reading. All those things are much better done on company time. On my day off I just like to relax.

Unfortunately I fear I may be getting a little too used to calling in sick. Once you cross that line it is hard to go back. Especially with the New Year and a whole new batch of vacation days to waste. But when I lost my voice two weeks ago and I went to work I was even more useless than I normally am. So I am doing them a favor really. Anyway I am not quite sure why I lost my voice. Clearly I am having some problems with my fifth chakra. But besides that I think maybe it is a sign I talk too much. Or perhaps it is from the rousing game of Taboo we had on Sunday night? I just hope I am not dying. That would suck.

Daytime television isn’t what it used to be. There is nothing to watch, which sort of defeats the purpose of sitting on your ass all day. I am however doing my best to avoid turning on Unsolved Mysteries. That is literally the scariest show on television, and I love it. But it must be watched during the day with at least one other person in the house and the doors locked. I am still worried about what happened to that guy that high jacked a plane in the late 70’s. Plus I saw an episode 5 years ago about some guy who killed his wife and disappeared in a brown and tan striped conversion van and every time I see one it freaks me out. It is just that guys voice and the music, and the fact that these crazy people are out there somewhere, perhaps outside my apartment at this very moment. It scares the shit out of me.

New Year’s Eve went off without a hitch. It was sweet to see Dick Clark’s mumbling attempt to give us a New Year’s Rockin’ Eve. He did a fine job. We had a nice little Hors D'oeuvre party. And besides getting hit in the face with the cork from a champagne bottle I had a great time.One in a million shot really. I am usually super paranoid when things are getting uncorked but this time I guess I got a little too confident. I aimed the bottle away from my face and away from everyone else in the room (just like you are supposed to do). POP! The cork came flying out hit the wall on the other side of the room bounced back hit me smack on the nose. OUCH! What the fuck? It still hurts. I would say I learned my lesson but I am not sure what lesson that would be.