Well OCD Donna is back. Marge is out for the day so Donna is subbing for her. She is the one who wont shut the fuck up, and wears a surgical mask on the train. She also has been known to do lunges or other visually unpleasing exercises at her desk. But I could put up with the mask and the lunges if she would just shut up for five seconds and give me a break. I guarantee it will take me ten times longer than usual to write this because it is hard to concentrate with someone's constant chatter in your ear.
Marge is out today getting her yearly mammography which she was very excited to tell EVERYONE who walked by yesterday. No one fucking cares. Whenever Marge takes time off she insists on giving everyone a very detailed explanation as to why she is out. "Well Liz...since I live in Staten Island (does that surprise anyone?) it just doesn't make sense to take halfa day. I mean by the time I get in here, I'd have to leave, ya know Liz? I just can't be rushed...and they way things are goin' I'll get stuck doing something for him and have to cancel. I mean I made this appointment months ago...ya know Liz... I just can't risk being late, ya know, I mean..." At this point I interrupt her with a "yeah it makes sense to take a whole day" because I know she will just continue if she is not stopped.
I don't care why she is out, and probably wouldn't have even noticed had they not sent Donna up to fill in. But whenever she is out for an appointment all she talks about is having to take a whole day because if she takes "halfa day" she might get stuck. I never actually ask her what she could possibly get stuck here doing since it has become very clear over the last year that she doesn't really do anything.
She refuses to leave a second before 5:30 even when both of her bosses are out. She always leaves at like 6:00 and then complains about it, but I am not quite sure what she does during that extra half hour. Anyway, one day I stayed late for some OT and I watched to see what she did that made her leave so late. Pretty much the same thing she does all day...nothing. Sitting. Standing. Some pacing. Nervously checking emails that she cehcked five hours ago. Re-reading office memos from last month. Just the general neurotic secretary type things. She stays late because she is re-doing things that didn't need to get done in the first place. She brings it on herself, so I don't have much sympathy.
Anyway Marge is out because of her "yearly mammography" and I don't feel bad telling you that because she would tell you herself if she was given the opportunity. It is like she thinks people go around talking about their mammographies. Not like she should be ashamed but again...no one cares. I don't go telling everyone "I will be out tomorrow...yearly dental exam." No one cares.
Unfortunately Donna is here to fill in. The first thing she does in the morning when she comes in, is to douse the desk in Windex. It took her a while to find some this morning and she refused to sit down until her entire desk could be cleaned. Then she went on and on about how could someone let someone else sit at their desk and not want to clean it off when they get back. She acted like the company was practically infringing upon her civil liberties by not have free Windex at every desk.
She scrubs the phone, desk, and chair (yes the chair) in order to avoid the germs. She asks me how I feel about other people sitting at my desk. "I don't really care...what could they have that I am going to catch?" That's what I said. "well lots of times people are out because they are sick." After everything has been wiped down she can, as she said "touch my nose and face without having to worry." Worry about what? How long can germs possibly live off the body? And even if god forbid there were germs that stayed alive on my phone or keyboard we aren't talking cancer or anything. Unless there has been an outbreak of Ebola in NYC that I was unaware of I will take my chances. Who knew there were so many infectious diseases just floating around a regular office building. This woman must break out in hives if she ever has to enter a hospital.
Maybe she is just taking precautions because of the bird flu. But my guess is that if this "bird flu" is as bad as they are acting like it is going to be, a little Windex isn't going to help. And if the person I sit next to is out because she has the bird flu then chances are I am going to have the bird flu. Surely she wouldn't be able to get away with spraying me with Windex, so she can scrub her phone all she wants but she is still one sneeze away from me infecting her. So really there is no point.
Sure I hate sick people just as much as the next guy, but give your immune system a chance to do its job. She also stunk up the whole office with the smell of disinfectant. After everything had been cleaned it was as if you could see a calm come over her. She could now relax and start annoying me in other ways. She gave me her normal spiel about how being a floater is hard and you have to cover yourself or you might get fired. Then she went on to tell me about all the people in the entire company who have dated each other and how she couldn't imagine going to work with someone you had slept with.
At this point my head starts throbbing and I am looking for an out. I make eye contact with everyone who walks by in hopes that they will stop and save me. But they don't. I pray for the phone to ring or for someone to give me something to do. Yes I would rather be working than talking to this woman. No one comes to my rescue, so I must rescue myself. I just turn and face my computer and try to look busy or something. But that doesn't stop her. Now she is telling different stories about how certain people got fired. Then she starts talking about the person my friend works for. She was clearly gossiping. I of course have no moral objection to gossip, but at least make it interesting. I don't care about how someone else got a really good bonus, I also don't care about the fact that an attorney caught you looking at pictures of his children in his office. Then she told me that it is ok to gossip because everybody talks about everybody else. That's news to me. I have no fucking clue who half these people here are and I prefer to keep it that way.
Why is this happening? Marge hardly does enough to require a substitute. And why must it be the world's most obnoxious woman. Karma, must be karma. Somewhere along the way I sat next to someone and talked endlessly about things they don't care about and ignored any effort they made to shut me up. I guess that doesn't seem so far fetched. But she is just soooooo annoying.
For a while they were sending this woman Joan to fill in for Marge. She is the best sub. Besides trying to get me involved in her obsessive fascination with American Idol she left me alone. Partly because she couldn't hear anything. Which I am sure sucked for her, but was nice for me. Donna just wont shut up. She has a coupon for this store and has to stop at this other store. My god. I know her whole life story. I know what she has for lunch today. In fact not only that, I know that she is leaving for lunch a little earlier than usual and she already ate half of her sandwich. She will eat the rest of it after lunch because she is probably going to go to the gym and work-out. See, I don't need to know that. Why can't the half deaf lady come back? Sure she couldn't hear anything you said, but at least that meant peace and quiet for me.
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