stupid questions

As I am sure you have all heard me say, I get asked some pretty stupid questions at work. I am going to preface this post with the fact that all of my co-workers are college graduates. But apparently that doesn’t really seem to matter. Degrees have become less and less important as I realize how stupid some of the “smartest” people can be. So here are some (and I say some because I don’t have time to write them all down) of the stupidest questions I have been asked at work.

1. “Did a fax come in for me yesterday?”

Seriously? How the fuck should I know? I don’t sit anywhere near the fax machine. And if I did I sure as hell wouldn’t sit there looking at all the faxes that came in. Get off your fat ass and go look at the fax machine yourself.

2. “Do we have any mugs?”

Hmmm. Not sure on that one, let me go downstairs and check. Please. You have got to be kidding me. I suppose I shouldn’t judge. She has only worked here for year. Maybe this is the first time she has needed to use a mug. Maybe she got a craving for hot coco and wanted to make sure we had all the supplies? Or maybe she was just too lazy to go to the kitchen and look for herself. “Do we have any mugs?” What the hell kind of a question is that? I mean if she had used the energy she used to ask me if we had any mugs to actually go to the kitchen herself and look, not only would she have NOT wasted my time, she might actually have the answer to her question. Because when I get asked questions like that, even if I know the answer… they get a blank stare and a puzzled look, followed by an eye roll after they turn around. I am trying to teach these people how to figure things out for themselves.

3. “Where is the bathroom?”

I got asked this question 3 times in 1 day by people who have worked in the office for over three months. Need I say more?

4. “Can you do me a favor?”

“No.” “I will but I don’t want to.” “Depends on what it is.” “Sure.” “I guess.” All completely appropriate answers to this question, and all answers I have given at various times, depending on my mood. “Can you do me a favor?” is a nice way of saying “I am about to tell you to do something really annoying because I don’t feel like doing it myself and I think that if I pretend that you are doing me a favor and act really grateful when you say yes, you will be more willing to do the annoying parts of my job.” Well I don’t want to do you a favor, but I don’t really have a choice. I don’t like doing the annoying parts of my own job, why would I want to do the annoying parts of anyone else’s job?

5. “Are you stressed out?”

No, not stressed. I think the look you see on my face is a combination of boredom and annoyance. I’m not stressed out, you have to care to be stressed out…

6. “What is my extension?”

Yeah. Um…Yeah.

7. "How do you send a fax?"

Come on now. Let’s just forget for a second that all fax machines are inherently the same. Let’s focus on the fact that she asked me how to send a fax 8 months after she started working here. Not 8 days, or even 8 weeks, but 8 MONTHS!!!!! I can understand when you first start a job asking how to send a fax, because although you get the same explanation every time, except for the occasional dial 9 first, maybe this fax machine is different. My main question is how has she gone 8 MONTHS without sending a fax? I should tell you all this is the same woman who asked me whether or not she had received a fax, so maybe she has some kind of disorder related to fax machines. Maybe she is afraid of them. Maybe they don’t have them where she is from? Maybe she is just stupid?

8. "Can you come take a look at the copier?"

Apparently I should add copy machine repairman to my resume because when anyone has a problem with the copy machine, I’m the first and only person they go to for help. This happens three or four times a week. I say I will take a look at it but that “I know just as much as they do”. I always kind of thought that they just ran to me for help when there was a jam without actually trying to fix it, but now I have proof. One of our senior level staff members came to me frantic that there was something wrong with the machine. She said she had “tried everything” and just “couldn’t get it to work”. I told her I would look at it but that “I know just as much about copy machines as she does” so if she couldn’t fix it then there is no way I can. Long story short. That shit wasn’t even on. She “tried everything”. Really? Really Susan? How about turning it on? You didn’t try that.

5:00

5:00.

My work day is 9:00-5:00. With no lunch break. Not having lunch is probably for the best. Although it would be nice to get out of the office for an hour; it takes twice as much time to navigate this part of town because of all the tourists wandering around trying to find ground zero, I try to avoid tourists as much as possible. Also if I left during my lunch break, I might not come back. That would definitely put a blemish on my perfect attendance record.

Anyway staring at the computer, or the wall, all day makes me really excited for 5:00. The problem is I don't want my bosses to know how excited 5:00 makes me. I think they think I like my job. Not quite sure how they got that impression, but I'm gonna try and let that ride as long as possible. The first minute past 5:00pm eastern standard time is probably my most favorite minute of the whole entire day. It is my favorite because not only is my work day over, but technically if I am still in the office I'm putting in overtime. Not the kind of overtime that you get paid for, non-profits don't do that. But the kind of overtime that you do to make you feel better about those days when you leave before 5:00. It's like if you put in a little overtime it makes it ok that you spent the entire day internet shopping and playing scrabble on Facebook. But throw all that feeling better crap out for a second, whether or not the job is done, your boss can't say shit, its 5:00 and you put your time in. Plus she probably has not idea that you haven't been working all day anyway.

As excited as I am for 5:00, I do my best not to be the first person to leave the office. It's really hard. Like really really hard. 5:00 is pretty much all I have to look forward to during the day so it's hard not to sprint out the door. I'm not sure how these other people manage to stay late everyday. That’s real dedication, or perhaps it is just because they don't ever actually show up to work on time so they are making it up on the back end. Hmmm.

I realized this morning that not only do I leave everyday at 5:01, but I have been the first one out of the office every day for about the last 3 months, I'm worried someone might start calling my dedication into question. Especially since we are approaching the busiest time of the year. Can't be seen slacking off in October. (Please note I didn't say you can't slack off, I said you can't be SEEN slacking off). Once it is 5:00pm it takes all of my will power to stay longer. I try to bide my time by cleaning my work space, filling up my water bottle, going to the bathroom multiple times. But that seems to only get me to 5:04. So I check Facebook AGAIN to see if anything has changed. Nope, I still look gorgeous in all my pics. Now what? I guess I could do work. Lord knows that there is plenty of that around here. But honestly I haven't felt like working all that much in say the last year or so. Maybe tomorrow. 5:06.

It isn't like I even have any place to go. I just don't want to be here anymore. I try to tie up a few loose ends but alas it is only 5:08 and no one else has even made a move to the door, although my eyes are fixated on it. I was actually quite productive today. Let's just forget for a moment all the unnoticeable things I am NOT doing throughout the day, and talk about the noticeable things I HAVE done. I just have to complete a few noticeable tasks so the powers that be don't ever have to question what it is I have been doing all day. A few frustrated groans, an annoyed look, and a mass email are pretty much all they need to see to be convinced I'm working hard.

OH GOD these last minutes are going by sooooo sloooowlllly. 5:11. Now I'm just annoyed. I should just leave. I stayed a whole 11 minutes past when I was supposed to stay. I mean I could stay longer, I just don't feel like working any more. Well, it's more like I don't feel like not working at work anymore. I pretty much call it a day around 3pm anyway so why not leave? I don't understand why these people are still in the office. I just wish I wasn't always the first to leave. I accomplish so little all day that I feel like I owe it to myself to at least complete the personal goals I set for myself. Goals like..not rolling my eyes, smiling at people when they ask me to do stupid shit, and of course, not being the first one out the door.

Fuck it...I'm leaving. 5:13