you can't handle the truth

I was just in the elevator with some new attorney's. 1st years as they are called here. Quite the rotten bunch. They are so rude and think they own the world. This one guy was talking about his $1,000 birthday dinner for himself and his wife. $1,000!! Two people!!! But don't you worry "the Ravioli was delicious and it was well worth it." Good, because I was a little concerned. $1,000!! I don't even make that much in two weeks!! These people have no concept of anything besides themselves and money. Disgusting. I can't even imagine what a $1,000 dinner would entail. I bet he isn't even a good tipper.

One of the women responded by saying "I couldn't eat that much" which had already been perfectly evident to me considering she clearly has a raging eating disorder. The third one then chimed in "I can eat a lot." Oh really? Because I couldn't tell. Your pants are only 3 sizes too small and your stomach is sticking out so far you look like you are 6 months pregnant. No lie. They continue to chat about expensive meals and fancy food I have never heard of and they also continue ignoring me. I suppose they have a seminar for all the first year associates on how to ignore anyone who makes less than you and can't help you make partner. Your secretary might not have it in her power to make you partner but you see how far you get if we neglect to give you all those messages/assignments from your boss. Not that I would ever do anything like that...I'm just saying.

There were a group of three of them proudly displaying their blackberries on the way to a meeting that probably makes them feel important but in fact is just another excuse for some partner to assert his/her control over their meaningless lives. I know how these people operate and while the 1st years think that they are much more important than I am and think that they are making a contribution, I would argue that their existence on the planet is actually making a negative impact on the world. Except for the fact that we need someone to laugh at during the Christmas party.

They are truly the scum of the earth. Ok not all of them, some of them are nice. I think one of my bosses has a mother who is a legal secretary which probably explains why he is ALWAYS extremely nice to me. But most of the first years have never had a slice of humble pie and have spent the last few years only hearing praise about their performance in Law school. For some reason people get very excited about their children going to "Law school". I don't know why considering it is pretty much a glorified trade school. From what I can tell the only thing people learn there is how to be a royal pain in my ass and how to weasel out of paying for cab rides and lunches.

None of them seem to acknowledge the existence of their secretaries or god forbid the people in the mailroom. They don't say please and they don't say thank you. They always expect things to be ready and waiting for them. They always expect you to care about what they want or that they called. They don't understand why things don't always go their way. They can't comprehend why the conference room they want is taken (even though they didn't try to reserve it until 5 minutes before their meeting). They don't understand why their food is taking so long or why they have to go get it themselves because I am at lunch. They definitely don't understand why it is taking so long for someone to fix the mistake they made. Me and now might as well be the only words in their vocabulary. They are worse than two year olds!

The cost of everything is important to them and more is always better. Except when they can't get reimbursed for something. They use their law degree to cover up all their insecurities. Hopefully they are at least fooling themselves because they aren't fooling me. And as for the fat one as much as her shirt probably cost you think she would have been able to buy one that covered her entire stomach. And come on at least wear something that matches. I can even pull something remotely attractive together on 30K a year. Just because it costs a lot doesn't mean it looks nice.

Well after all that goes through my head I am still on this damn elevator. The third one (the fat one) complains about not getting free food from the restaurant she used to work at (one of the most expensive in Ann Arbor by the way). The meal came out to $100 per person. That is one-hundred-American-dollars per person. She announced it twice in case we hadn't heard the first time. I think for a moment at least she has had some food service experience and that is always tough. But then I look at her smug face and protruding belly and realize that she wont even acknowledge my presence in the elevator and she didn't say thank you when I held the door. I wonder if she would have said something if I had let it slam in her face. Obviously her stint working at "one of the most expensive restaurants in Ann Arbor" didn't teach her anything.

And she probably wont learn any lesson until one day when she has some mid-life crisis and tries to figure out what her purpose on this planet is. She will then realize her only purpose is to make a lot of money for a lot of very bad people and she will feel guilty. Well she may not feel guilty, but at the very least she will worry about what to do if she doesn't make partner. Maybe she will go back to school or try to give back to the community but probably she will just continue doing what she does best. Being a bitch and walking around with a heck of a superiority complex.

She will continue to try and eat her way to happiness only to find out that nobody likes the woman who eats all the good doughnuts they put out in the conference room, and that it is still ok to discriminate against fat people in this country. By the time she is 30 she will have lost her drive to succeed and realize she wont make partner. She will either leave the firm only to start somewhere at the bottom again or she will stay and take a lesser position such as "Senior Counsel" and spend the rest of her days taking out the fact that she is a failure on the people who work for her.

The guy who just spent $1,000 on his birthday dinner will probably continue to go on having luxurious birthday dinners for the rest of his life. Then he will find out those late nights, long meetings, and business trips that afford him the luxuries he can no longer live without has forced his wife into an extramarital affair. Good thing he is a lawyer because he will see to it that she wont see a dime. Now that he has lost his boyish good looks and twenty year old body the only thing between him and dying alone is the fact he makes over a million a year. He isn't too worried. He will just joke to his remaining friends (if he has any) that he is simply trading his wife in for a newer model. All this of course while secretly crying alone in his office. But hey it is a corner office.

At this point his secretary will probably have stopped bringing him his mail because she is sick of seeing a millionaire get reimbursed for thousand dollar meals all while she tries to figure out how she is going to manage to pay her rent and send her kids to college at the same time. She probably gets a really crappy Christmas bonus, because he couldn't find any way to deduct it. Even the secretary who sits next to her who doesn't do anything but talk to her boyfriend on the phone all day gets more from her boss.

The skinny one who has probably been battling her eating disorder since she was 15 will one day realize that yes even she deserves food. But at the same time she will realize her paycheck wont keep her warm at night and wonders where she went wrong. She is young, successful, cute enough, why can't she find anyone? Because she is evil. But at least she made partner. Now even she can leave receipts for expensive meals she feels too guilty to actually eat on her secretary's desk. She can go back to her high school reunion with truck loads of money but no soul. But hey at least she is "successful" right?

But perhaps none of this will happen and they will all go on to be very content. I say content because when you have a lot of money all you want is more money. So I am pretty sure they will never be completely happy. But they may still live a life of luxury drinking wine in fancy outfits and going home to sleep on piles of money. Perhaps they will continue to walk through life with blinders on and never think twice about anything, or anyone for that matter. For their sake I hope this is the case because I think if a lot of them took a long hard look in the mirror and saw what I see they would be very disappointed in themselves or perhaps even embarrassed at what they have become. Unfortunately what I fear is that they would not be embarrassed or ashamed but they would be proud.

he makes me nauseous

I thought about writing something happy and cheerful, but who wants to hear about that? So for future reference if you ever decide to check in on my "blog" then be prepared for some bitching and moaning. Also be prepared to see me bitch and moan about you. I only am changing the names of my employers to avoid getting fired like that nanny. As for the rest of you, you're fair game.

I am sure people are also sick of hearing about my crappy job (but you were warned in the preceding paragraph - remember bitching and moaning) and have started to ask the question; why don't you just quit? Well I'm thinking about it. But where would that leave me? Now I am poor, unhappy, directionless, and lots of other things. But at least I have a job, I would hate to add unemployed and poorer to that list of other things. Although perhaps I should stop ordering take out and start saving money so I can be unemployed for a long stretch without having to worry about it. Let's all cross our fingers that google stock continues to do well (knock on wood).

On to more important things. Don't you hate it when you are having a perfectly good day, minding your own business and some idiot decides to fuck it all up? Most of the time they don't know they are doing it, which makes it worse because then you can't even go yell at them. Since I am not big on "feelings" to begin with when other people make me "feel" bad it really pisses me off. Most of the time the people that do it are too self-involved to even realize that their actions impact the way other people feel. I suppose I have been on the other end plenty of times but I am usually very aware when I hurt other people's feelings. The fact that I choose to continue doing so is another deal all together but at least I make mental note.

This guy is just too concerned with being right and being aloof to notice how much of a complete jerk he can be sometimes. Get a fucking clue asshole. What do I need to write it on a sign? "YOU ARE HURTING MY FEELINGS! - YOU ARE MAKING ME FEEL BAD!" But if I did that then he would probably just turn around and blame it on me and make me feel worse for making myself feel bad. Did that make sense?

I have already said too much and I will spare you the rest of the details because it is just a very long story of me being stupid and making mistake after mistake and then having it rubbed in my face in the most unfortunate way. Well I wont let him ruin my day!! In fact from here on out I wont let him ruin any more of my days! But yeah he makes me nauseous and that is all I will say.

may i take a message?

In my attempt to do as little work as possible I have found a way to send callers directly to voicemail with out getting in trouble. In these parts we are told to take the messages ourselves. You wouldn't want a client to get upset about being put directly into voicemail. We are big on "personal attention" at this firm. Even though voicemail seems a hell of a lot more reliable than I am, they insist on having the secretaries take the messages. I say why not just cut out the middle man? But they don't listen to me. If "they" hear you asking someone if they want to go into voicemail they get mad.

Here is what I do:

When the phone rings and one of the people I work for can't pick it up I simply say "he has stepped away for a moment/he is on the other line" or whatever excuse I am making up for them. Then I let the silence linger. I used to add," may I take a message?" I nipped that in the bud because in most cases when you ask that, they say yes. The last thing I want to do is write down their name and number and what deal they are working on. Because if you take a message you have to give the message to the person it is for. And there is always the chance of misspelling a name, writing down the wrong phone number, forgetting to give it to him, or something. I just don't want that kind of responsibility. And even if I were guaranteed to get it all right, I don't really want to be bothered.

If I just tell the caller he stepped away and say nothing more, people get really confused. They are used to options. "would you like me to take a message/find him/slip him a note?" I don't do any of that anymore. They don't know what to do when no options are presented to them. I can imagine a caller on the other side of the phone is thinking "He stepped away? How could he have stepped away? Doesn't he know I am calling? Well now what do I do? His secretary sounds stupid." Sometimes the silence on the other end lasts too long and I ask to take a message, but for the most part after a few awkward seconds of them deciding what to do they ask timidly "can I go into his voicemail?" "Yes of course, one second." Because sending them to voicemail requires nothing more from me then the touch of a few buttons. And if they don't get their message it's not my fault.

More than anything I hate those obnoxious callers who insist on me taking a very long complicated message that I am sure to mess up. Name and number, that's all I need. I don't care why you are calling. Or the people that call to tell me to tell him to check his email. What do I look like his mother? He will check his email when he is ready to check his email. In those cases I usually send my boss an email telling him that Jane Doe wants him to check his email. It seems to work. People don't notice if what they ask you to do actually gets done as long as you tell them you have done it. For the most part they don't check. Because if they really needed and wanted it to be done then they would do it themselves.

I also hate the people who immediately upon hearing my voice hang up. Duh asshole we have caller ID. I didn't want to talk to you either. But talk about rude. And then there are the few who say "no message I'll send him an email." Well if whatever business you are trying to accomplish could have been taken care of over email, why the heck didn't you just email him to begin with?

And then the dreaded "Maybe you can help me?" No, I can never help. So I wish they would stop asking. But I of course can't say that. They ramble on for a few minutes about the offering memorandum or the description of notes and finish up with a question that I can't understand. After they have finished 10 minutes later, I usually put them on hold for a few minutes so it gives them the impression I am looking up the information. Sometimes I look through some papers on my desk hoping to find something I know is not there, but most of the time I just sit there and wait. I wait until enough time has passed so that they think I have been trying to help but not enough time has passed for them to get annoyed with being on hold. Then I return to the caller "I'm sorry, I can't find that information. Can I have him call you?" I hate these callers the most. Because not only do I have to take a message, I have to listen to them talk and worst of all, I have to pretend to care. But at least the caller comes away from the whole experience feeling satisfied. It is the least I can do really.

a little of this and a little of that...

Not much going on today. I am REALLY hating the fact that it is only Monday, but whatcha gonna do. Had a nice little vaca over Thanksgiving. It was fun as always to see everyone. Some things never change, the boys were late, Uncle Jeff carved the Turkey, and we had some laughs. I was trapped in a house with 12 different kinds of pie, more potatoes than I knew what to do with, and a Grandmother who was constantly telling me that she is going to die. How could that not be fun? Unfortunately my family was not nearly as excited as I was at the idea of playing a few rounds of Taboo. Their loss. Who doesn't like Taboo?

I have somehow developed an allergy to my old house. I lived there my entire life but now from the second I enter the house to the second I leave I am sneezing non-stop. As you can imagine it is quite annoying. Last time I was home I used it as an excuse to partake in some of the over the counter allergy medicine. The little pink pills. Take one you stop sneezing. Take two, you stop sneezing and start having dreams while you are awake, then you fall peacefully asleep. Dreaming while awake is always sort of fun. But I couldn't find them this time and I also wanted to get some extra attention/sympathy from Grammy. Sneezing is always a good way to get it. That and saying you are soooooo hungry you can't stand to go on another second with out eating.

I also seemed to have developed a phobia of vacuum cleaners. I know I have always hated the act of vacuuming, and I was never a big fan of the sound they made, but it has gotten to the point where when one enters the room I freak out. Either because it is on and I hate the sound, or because I am afraid someone is going to turn it on. Thank goodness neither me or my roommate is much of a vacuumer. I think this has come from the OCD neighbor that lives above us that insists on vacuuming at least 3 hours a day...everyday.

While at home I learned that not only does Eris think I am high-maintenance but my parents do as well. I really thought I did a good job of hiding it. But I think with my parents it has more to do with the fact that Mark was just an easier child. He doesn't seem to require much of anything at all while I need to be fed on a regular basis and I suppose I have more requests as to what we do and where we go. They should have stopped with him. But I guess sometimes you have to learn your lessons the hard way.

It is pretty quiet today. I have only had to answer the phone a few times. Andy hasn't arrived today and Jake is out of the office. It is nice to be able to come in here and relax a little. But I am sure the second the little fucker walks in the door he will be having me order him a burrito or something. Just thinking about it pisses me off. And then there is Marge. First and last person I see at work everyday. She is just so annoying. And for someone who takes her job very seriously she sure does have a problem picking up the phone when my line rings. She saw my line ringing, she saw me on the phone. Pick it up! I mean come on. Blatant disregard for common courtesy. I always pick up her phone. She was just sitting there as always, getting ready to mess something up, the least she could have done was pick up my damn phone. But oh well. Almost lunch time. Now me and my ONE remaining work friend can go eat soup and talk about how we don't have any money.

gerry sucks

This little shit in accounting refuses to return my calls or emails. Yes I realize he is busy but I am getting repeatedly bothered with "were they able to change those hours?" and "Have you talked to accounting about fixing my time?" He is in my ear every five fucking seconds because this guy doesn't want to get off his ass. Gerry has had it in for me from day one. I am not really sure why. I must have done something. He gets right back to everyone else but not me. Nope two weeks later I am still leaving him voicemails. Sure I'll admit it I was a little perplexed by the accounting system at first and made some mistakes, but who didn't. Yeah I have asked to get time changed before. But only twice in the span of over a year. This time it isn't even my fault so what the fuck Gerry? Give me a break.

It is not like I am asking him to do anything except his job. Yes this may sound ironic coming from someone who complains so much about doing her "job" but there are a few key differences. Besides the obvious difference in our paychecks and the fact that Gerry is in the field he desires to be in, Gerry is the only person in this god damn office who knows how to work this god forsaking piece of shit accounting software. Let's just say I am not exactly irreplaceable. There are about 500 people in the office who can make copies and I am sure some of the attorney's are in fact capable of answering their own phone and ordering their own lunch. So what I do here isn't all that important.

All I need to do is transfer one client charge to another client charge because Jake gave me the wrong number. It doesn't really need to get done anytime soon. So he says. Then why doesn't he stop asking if it is done? I called the "help" desk to get help but they don't know what they are doing. The only thing they can say when it comes to our wonderful accounting software is "...your gonna have to give Gerry a call on that one...he'll take care of it." "but I did call Gerry twice, and I emailed him too, and he wont get back to me!!!" "Yeah...uhh...you have to call Gerry he can change it." Great. So I have to wait. What if Gerry never calls me back. That is a definite possibility.

How do we buy a program that the entire company uses but only one person can fix? One person. It doesn't make any sense to me. And even if by some miracle I was able to figure out how to make the changes I need to make I don't have "access". So if you are going to make yourself indispensable to a company than you sort of owe it to people to do your fucking job.

I can't tell if he gets off on being the only one in the company who can fix these problems or if he just doesn't realize how incredibly inconvenient it is for everyone else who needs to get shit done. Either way Gerry Sucks. Last time I had a problem I specifically asked if he could tell me how to fix it. He didn't really have the time and simply told me to call the "help" desk. Because this was something I "need to know." (As I stated earlier the "help" desk doesn't know shit and are completely useless when it comes to the accounting software.) "Well Ger, if I 'need to know' it and you are the only one who can tell me how to do it, then why don't you stop playing around and tell me already?"

Regardless of all that Gerry still sucks and he at the very least could simply reply to one of the many emails I have sent and write back that he wasn't going to help me. That is all I need. I don't care if it actually gets done. He could just say, nope sorry not gonna do it and that would be alright with me. Then I could tell my boss that the changes can't be made and there is nothing I can do about it. Which honestly is my favorite response. Because if there is nothing I can do about it then, well, there is nothing to do.

critical mass

So a file disappeared. I am supposed to be in charge of reorganizing Matt's files. And I did reorganize them. Well most of them. I sort of hit wall. There is only so much filing a person can do, and my back really started hurting from moving them from one cabinet to the next. And I really hate alphabetizing. But 90% of all his "deals" are alphabetized by client name and placed neatly in the filing cabinets in the hallway. I have still a few remaining that need to be put away, and I have yet to print out the final list of files and mark the cabinets with his name and the drawer number. It all seems pretty self-explanatory and I see finishing up at this point pointless. I mean if he needs a file he knows where they are. Not only that he knows the alphabet and I am sure he could figure out that the F's come after the E's and before the G's. So why does he need a master list that tells him exactly what drawer EVERY file he has EVER worked on is in? Seems a little self-indulgent. Whatever.

After he saw what a marvelous job I did reorganizing those files he decided we should continue. Great. I sure learned my lesson. Never say "well if there is anything I can do to help let me know." Unless you really mean it. And honestly who ever really means it. If I actually wanted to help I would just do the millions of little things that need to get done around here. But I have strict policy about not taking initiative and only doing things after I have been asked.

Anyway the new filing system doesn't require much work on my end. After he goes through a file and decides it has been thinned out enough to put in a cabinet he will put it against his wall and I am supposed to go see it and put it in the correct filing cabinet. But at this point even the tiniest request from these people seems like I am being asked to move mountains. I just don't have the energy.

I was bringing him something one morning and noticed a new folder appeared against his wall. Great. I go pick it up and decided that moving it from his office to a box under my desk was the least I could do. I mean at least he will think I have made some progress. So there it went into the box under my desk. And there is sat for days, weeks, I am not really sure how long. It sat there until someone took it. I am not sure who and I am not sure why but one day I just noticed it was gone. It is possible that the file had been missing for weeks and I just didn't see.

Well what the fuck am supposed to do now? I certainly can't tell him the file has disappeared. I don't even know which file it was. It was been so long since he went through it that it would really be like me saying "um...hey Matt...you know that folder you went through a month or so ago and left it for me to file? Well, I put it under my desk to file it later and...it's gone. I don't know when it went missing but its not there now...and it wasn't there yesterday, actually I have known it has been gone for while I just didn't feel like dealing with it."

I don't even know what his reaction would be. He would probably wonder why I didn't just open the cabinet and put it in immediately after taking it from his office. A good question I suppose, and a question I have even asked myself. But that would have required finding out which cabinet it belonged in, making room, and then adding it to the list he ask me to create. Much more complicated and time consuming than you would think. And much too annoying for me to actually do. If he were in fact to ask me that question the only honest response I could give would be "well, because I'm lazy." And I can't say that. So I concocted some stupid excuse in my head (just in case I'm found out) about how I was waiting for there to be a critical mass, because it is easier to file more than one at a time...or something.

Anyway, I certainly can't tell him any of this, then I would look irresponsible and I would feel bad. He is really nice to work for and I don't want him to hate me. But who would steal a file? I doubt it had anything important in it. Just a bunch of papers that no one but a lawyer could understand. Maybe the cleaning lady thought it was trash? What should I do? Tell him? Continue ignoring the situation and hope I get a new job before he goes to find this file that in his head is safely resting in file cabinet 1-10? Oh I don't know. See there I go caring. I have got to stop doing that.

the rules

Perhaps I don't give my bosses enough credit. Not only do they have very demanding high-pressure jobs, they have the tough task of managing me. Here are some rules that if we all follow things will go along a lot smoother. Perhaps I should send this along with my resume.

1. If you ever want 2 copies of a one page document either make them yourself or hey how about this when you go to print it out, print out three copies instead of one. You went to law school, I'm sure you can figure it out.

2. When you order food and charge it to some random client because you are too cheap to foot the bill yourself and then make me go alllll the way downstairs to pick it up for you, at least offer me some of it. How ironic they make 5 times more than me but they are the ones who can't shell out $5 for lunch. I'm the one who can't afford to eat both lunch and dinner in the same day. ***Note to clients of major law firms. You are getting royally screwed. Some jerk-off lawyer is getting treated to a free $100 lunch and a cab ride home as we speak because you are too stupid to figure out what "related calls and conferences" on your bill really means.***

3. When I make a mistake, don't bother to tell me because chances are I don't care and I will probably do it again anyway.

4. If you know I am going to accounting at 3:00 don't send me an email instructing me to go back down at 3:30. It's just really annoying.

5. If you want a cup of coffee to sip on while you are on your 10:00am conference call, well then you better hurry up and get it because it is 9:59am and it really doesn't look like I am going anywhere.

6. If it is 5:00 and you haven't given fair warning don't expect for me to do any work until the following morning. That last half hour is off limits.

7. I don't do overtime on Tuesday's, Wednesday's, or Friday's. You might be able to get me to stay Monday or Thursday if I don't already have plans. I wont stay if it is raining, snowing, or really nice out or really hot. Also, you have to ask me before 3:45, just because. If overtime actually entails work that I could have done while I was just sitting here all day, then no I wont stay.

8. If you ask me to do something don't intercom me while I am doing it because I promise it will only make the whole process slower.

9. If you don't like my attitude then get another secretary.

10. If you think you are smarter/more important/more deserving than me, well then you aren't as smart/important/deserving as you think you are.

11. For gods sake pick up your fucking phone. Do I look like an answering machine?

12. When you stroll into the office at noon and ask if anyone was looking for you and I say "nope, it's been quiet", that really means "oops...I don't remember who called I was checking my email and I forgot to write it down."

13. You can yell and be crazy as long as you know you are crazy.

14. Lick your own envelopes.

15. I wont lie to your wife. If you don't want her to know where you are going, then don't tell me.

16. I will however lie to your boss. Feel free to come in whenever you want and I will tell him/her that you have just stepped away from your desk.

17. You're not really that funny.

19. Don't ask me advice about your love life. Unless helping you get a girlfriend is going to make my job easier.

20. Does this really need to get done now? Can't you see I'm reading?

21. If you would like a document printed out -do it yourself. In the time you spend attaching the file and typing "please print for me" and clicking on send, you could have had the document you wanted printed out five times over. Let's say it together 'File - Print - OK'. It is really quite simple.

22. You make too much money to complain about your job.

Oh yeah and for the people I don't work for. Stop right there. You can tell me all the things that need to get done or the things you would like me to do but it's not going to happen. I don't work for you. You have your own secretary make her do it.

may she be well...

"I don't know what is going to happen with the culture of death in this country...with all these abortions..."

Well that was all I had to hear. I overheard her say that on the phone around the election last year. It popped into my head immediately as I tried to think of the reasons I can't stand the woman. "The woman" being Marge. The 50 something year old annoying Catholic woman I sit next to at work whose mere existence at my work place is adding insult to injury. She is a harmless woman who has lived in Staten Island her whole life. She gives me updates about the temperature in Staten Island, she only reads the Staten Island newspaper, and she thinks the Staten Island groundhog was THE groundhog people care about on February 2nd (hello what about Punxsutawney Phil?!?).

We used to have somewhat pleasant small talk with one another. But you can only hear so much about the pain she has in her arm and her physical therapy and about how she doesn't know if she can make it to her church group after work because she is so busy and so tired. Now we never talk. Well that's not true, she is always telling me exactly where she is going and when she will be back and what to do if so and so calls, and putting little post-its all over my phone. I say good morning when I get in and good-bye when I leave. She is probably the only person on the planet who has successfully mastered the art of getting me to shut up.

Although most people would have a problem hating a God fearing church going lady. I have no problem hating anyone. Alright I don't "hate" her, hate is such a strong word, but she is really annoying. In fact I am sure her presence in my life is just bad Karma for something I must have done. I try to keep to myself as much as possible these days although it is hard with her frequent updates about getting a "cup a tea", going to the ladies room, running to Linda's office, heading to accounting, or wherever else she goes around looking for work. Marge is in fact as useless as I am. Ok, that was mean. She perhaps has some purpose at this job if only because it is her responsibility to heat up her "bosses" lunch everyday.

The thing about Marge is that although she doesn't do shit, she takes her job very seriously and while I get paid to read books and play on the internet she gets paid to look busy. Constantly cleaning her desk, rearranging something, reading and re-reading two sentance emails, sitting at her computer with her hand on the mouse getting ready to click while staring blankly at her inbox. She is always talking to me about how she is not used to the pace and that she will lose her skills. But whenever asked to jump to action she always finds some way to hang up on a caller or print out the wrong document. It must be very frustrating. I think my laid back approach to the work day has had a positive effect on her. The other day she left at 5:28 instead of 5:30 and I don't think she went to confessional about it. She has also worn pants, instead of a skirt, three times in the past year which equals her total number of pants wearing days in the last 24 years combined.

When I try to explain to people why she annoys me sometimes I forget. Yes I suppose I am easily annoyed but the anti-abortion people, as you all know, put me over the edge. Call me crazy but of all the annoying things she does ALL day long that one little comment over a year ago made it almost impossible for me to tolerate her. But tolerate her I must because it doesn't really look like I will be going anywhere anytime soon.

"with all these abortions." Clearly she doesn't know what she is talking about. Her and her church's personal "moral" religious beliefs (that apparently have no problem with the death penalty, the war on "terror", and countless other things that are killing people all over the world) have had a very public effect. It is not easy to get any kind of abortion these days. Today I think I am going to go to the Planned Parenthood website and leave it up on my computer for a little while and hope to make her feel uncomfortable. Perhaps I will even call up and talk real loud and pretend to make an appointment for a "baby killing" and make some crack about how I have got to get rid of this thing because I have a big party this weekend and being preggers is a real downer. Because ya know that's why women get abortions.

Maybe she will try to bring me to Jesus. Then I could go on to talk about all my gay friends and how I believe in evolution. I wish she would just keep her God away from me because I don't think we would like each other very much. And how come I am the one going to hell? Lucky for me I don't believe in hell. I do however believe in karma. She can pray all she wants but she'll get hers. Perhaps in her next life she will come back as an aborted fetus.

I know I know I am a big huge bitch. May she be well. I wish no harm on anyone. But she would think the same things about me if she was allowed to think bad thoughts. I should give her some credit though. Without her I would never have dial car vouchers and would be constantly running out of printer paper. She also always has extra stamps I can buy from her. So there you go a silver lining to every cloud. So I will try to stay positive and take solace in the fact that at least she doesn't bother me nearly as much as she bothers the man she works for.

sick people are gross

one more reason to support universal healthcare and sick days:

This woman who works in the mailroom at work has been sick for days. Weeks even. Sneezing, runny nose, sore throat, everything. She looks disgusting. She sounds disgusting. I can hardly see how she manages to stand let alone run around the building all day. But of course she has a crappy health plan and no sick days. She should be home in bed getting better. Instead she is running around spreading whatever it is she has to the poor innocent healthy people in my office. I am not going to lie, unless you are a close friend, sick people really fucking gross me out. Fine. I'll admit it. Yes. I discriminate against sick people. Not people with Cancer or any kind of real illness, but the kind of sick people that have to cough up stuff and always end up sneezing all over everything. Just disgusting. I don't want to see them or have anything to do with them.

Jill is one of the few highlights of my day. She always has a smile on her face and nice words to say. But I can't look at her like this. She looks miserable. I am afraid to touch the mail she brings unless it has been sitting there long enough for it to have naturally disinfected, and even then I am convinced it will only lead to impending death. Every time she walks by I hold my breath so I don't accidentlly breathe in anything she breathed out. It is like I can feel my nose getting stuffy and a scratch in my throat when I hear her coming down that hall. I am afraid to talk to her because what if "her germs" manage to pass over the top of the cubical and then they become my germs! I certainly don't want to get what she has.

But at this point in the year if she takes a day off she gets docked pay. And when you don't make that much $ to begin with getting docked pay isn't really an option. I just don't understand these people that run these companies. Don't you want healthy employees so they can work hard for your millions while you sit on your ass drinking Margaritas or something? This is really a human rights issue. I'm not even kidding. Sick people running around getting sicker, spreading germs. If she had that damn bird flu I sure bet they would be on top of it. But what's the difference? Sick is sick. Sure I would rather have a cold than the bird flu (if only because of what people would think), but when you are at the depths of sickness even though you know you wont die of it, sometimes you wish you would. Sick is sick and I'm sorry if they would give you days off for the bird flu they should give you days off for whatever it is that is making her cough up phlegm at an alarming rate and sneeze all over the mail. Disgusting.

But it is clear that these people that run these companies don't give a rats ass about Jill or people resembling anything like Jill. I just don't understand what they don't understand. At the very least everybody has read the articles and heard the studies about corporations losing money because of sick people that come to work. You would think that losing money alone would be enough to get them to send her some chicken soup or something. If you don't care about Jill's well being or mine...fine. You don't owe us anything. You don't care about me, I don't care about you. But my god please give this woman a few days off if for no other reason then she is infecting the entire company!! I bet if they found out they were losing a million dollars a day for every person she has infected they would get her a pretty nice health plan. Maybe even dental?

what does this say about me?

When you don't have much to do all day you get creative. Sometimes I like to go to old emails and see exactly what I was writing about a year ago today. Last year I exchanged emails with Maggie and she told me about a date she had with some girl who she is still "seeing" that I didn't really approve of then, but I do now, at least as much as it is possible for me to approve of Maggie dating anyone.

After taking a trip down memory lane I decided to play a little game. Gmail has this neat little feature that enables you to search for words. Very helpful when looking for old emails. Below is a listing of particular words and how frequently they were used in my correspondence. Please don't judge.

bored - 273

hate - 190

I'm going to kill myself - 50

this sucks - 130

What the fuck? -160

asshole - 44 (surprising low considering the people I am surrounded by all day)

Eagles - 266

I can't take it anymore - 55

I'm/they're/you're/he's/she's crazy - 367

It's/they're/he's/she's sooo annoying -130

job interview -155

happy hour - 70

i'm so excited - 120

oh my god! -170

There are plenty more slightly embarrassing catch phrases that have shockingly high appearance rates. Those - I will keep to myself.

blog

So I guess I am bored enough and annoyed enough to start a blog. It seems kind of stupid and also slightly embarrassing. But I didn't bring a book to work today. I don't know why I just didn't feel like dealing with it. Big mistake. Big. Huge. I knew it would be quiet and for that I am thankful. But I didn't realize how incredibly and utterly bored I would be. It would be really funny if it weren't actually happening to me. I always knew I didn't do anything all day. I talk all the time about how I don't do anything but when faced with the reality of the situation it is quite shocking. I just sit here. I have to go downstairs to accounting in the next hour and even though it is only about five seconds away the thought of doing it is enough to make me vomit. They have enough money. Why do I have to go to accounting just because he wants to be reimbursed for his $7 cab ride to work? I didn't get a fucking cab ride.

Oh my god I am so miserably bored. It would be enough to bring me to tears but I don't care enough to cry. There is nothing on the internet that I haven't read about. I have decided to no longer read any bad press about the Eagles, which means there is really nothing to read right now. I am counting the seconds until 5:30. I took tomorrow off. That's right big corporate law firms don't give you Veteran's day off. So I had to use a vacation day. I am in desperate need for a three day weekend. Although I suppose what's the point, I always have to come back. I might as well not even leave.

But I have a fun exciting weekend planned so just a few more hours of staring at this screen and I will be on my merry way. Nothing terribly exciting happened today. I only got yelled at once. So this guy I work for asked me to do the change the names of four documents and send them to him in an email. Why didn't he do it himself? I don't know. From what I can see Harvard Law school didn't teach its graduates how to do very much of anything.

So after I translate what it is he actually wants me to do into English, because he never speaks into the phone when he is talking and he certainly never gives directions that actually make sense, I change the name of the documents to the desired title. They have to be done right because it is what "the client" wants. I don't give a rats ass what "the client" wants. He isn't buying me fancy dinners or paying for my cab rides. Whatever. I simply do as I am told and send the documents to him through a specific program because these lawyer types always need to have it done a certain way. But they can never manage to do it themselves.

After I'm done he calls me up and tells me I didn't do it right. He said I didn't send it through the proper program "Oh I didn't send it through docs open? Listen asshole I am the one who was sitting here watching me copy and paste and email your bullshit documents so who do you think knows better. Fuck you." I decided that wasn't the best approach and after I swore I did it right over and over I decide "oh fuck it." I do it again.

While I am doing the same thing I just did ten minutes ago over again I think to myself "wow he must really think I am stupid. Not only do I have a job that a monkey could do, I can't even send an attachment. Whatever." Practically the moment after I click send he storms out of his office. I don't know what's worse, hearing him mumble over the phone or hearing him mumble in person. He is always talking about something stupid and if it is over the phone at least I can make faces while he talks. But to be honest sometimes I make faces at him in person.

I suppose he believes the fact that I can't properly send an attachment is enough reason to have him get off his lazy ass and come harass me. He mumbled something, because he is always mumbling something, pushed me out of the way and is determined to show exactly how it is supposed to be done. Meanwhile I am sitting there with my arms crossed insisting I sent it the right way. Although I am sure back talk from his secretary annoys him, he manages to take it pretty well. "I swear I sent it exactly how you showed me!!!" "No you didn't!" "Yes, I really did!" In fact I sent it exactly the way he showed me to after his last tantrum. After all is said and done he admits I am right "I know I'm right!" I respond. A small victory I suppose but it wont last long. Tomorrow he will probably want me to do something equally as stupid and this will happen all over again. Oh but wait! I have tomorrow off!! Liz 1 - Law firm 0!

It smells like hospital food in here. This place sucks.