the rules

Perhaps I don't give my bosses enough credit. Not only do they have very demanding high-pressure jobs, they have the tough task of managing me. Here are some rules that if we all follow things will go along a lot smoother. Perhaps I should send this along with my resume.

1. If you ever want 2 copies of a one page document either make them yourself or hey how about this when you go to print it out, print out three copies instead of one. You went to law school, I'm sure you can figure it out.

2. When you order food and charge it to some random client because you are too cheap to foot the bill yourself and then make me go alllll the way downstairs to pick it up for you, at least offer me some of it. How ironic they make 5 times more than me but they are the ones who can't shell out $5 for lunch. I'm the one who can't afford to eat both lunch and dinner in the same day. ***Note to clients of major law firms. You are getting royally screwed. Some jerk-off lawyer is getting treated to a free $100 lunch and a cab ride home as we speak because you are too stupid to figure out what "related calls and conferences" on your bill really means.***

3. When I make a mistake, don't bother to tell me because chances are I don't care and I will probably do it again anyway.

4. If you know I am going to accounting at 3:00 don't send me an email instructing me to go back down at 3:30. It's just really annoying.

5. If you want a cup of coffee to sip on while you are on your 10:00am conference call, well then you better hurry up and get it because it is 9:59am and it really doesn't look like I am going anywhere.

6. If it is 5:00 and you haven't given fair warning don't expect for me to do any work until the following morning. That last half hour is off limits.

7. I don't do overtime on Tuesday's, Wednesday's, or Friday's. You might be able to get me to stay Monday or Thursday if I don't already have plans. I wont stay if it is raining, snowing, or really nice out or really hot. Also, you have to ask me before 3:45, just because. If overtime actually entails work that I could have done while I was just sitting here all day, then no I wont stay.

8. If you ask me to do something don't intercom me while I am doing it because I promise it will only make the whole process slower.

9. If you don't like my attitude then get another secretary.

10. If you think you are smarter/more important/more deserving than me, well then you aren't as smart/important/deserving as you think you are.

11. For gods sake pick up your fucking phone. Do I look like an answering machine?

12. When you stroll into the office at noon and ask if anyone was looking for you and I say "nope, it's been quiet", that really means "oops...I don't remember who called I was checking my email and I forgot to write it down."

13. You can yell and be crazy as long as you know you are crazy.

14. Lick your own envelopes.

15. I wont lie to your wife. If you don't want her to know where you are going, then don't tell me.

16. I will however lie to your boss. Feel free to come in whenever you want and I will tell him/her that you have just stepped away from your desk.

17. You're not really that funny.

19. Don't ask me advice about your love life. Unless helping you get a girlfriend is going to make my job easier.

20. Does this really need to get done now? Can't you see I'm reading?

21. If you would like a document printed out -do it yourself. In the time you spend attaching the file and typing "please print for me" and clicking on send, you could have had the document you wanted printed out five times over. Let's say it together 'File - Print - OK'. It is really quite simple.

22. You make too much money to complain about your job.

Oh yeah and for the people I don't work for. Stop right there. You can tell me all the things that need to get done or the things you would like me to do but it's not going to happen. I don't work for you. You have your own secretary make her do it.