may i take a message?

In my attempt to do as little work as possible I have found a way to send callers directly to voicemail with out getting in trouble. In these parts we are told to take the messages ourselves. You wouldn't want a client to get upset about being put directly into voicemail. We are big on "personal attention" at this firm. Even though voicemail seems a hell of a lot more reliable than I am, they insist on having the secretaries take the messages. I say why not just cut out the middle man? But they don't listen to me. If "they" hear you asking someone if they want to go into voicemail they get mad.

Here is what I do:

When the phone rings and one of the people I work for can't pick it up I simply say "he has stepped away for a moment/he is on the other line" or whatever excuse I am making up for them. Then I let the silence linger. I used to add," may I take a message?" I nipped that in the bud because in most cases when you ask that, they say yes. The last thing I want to do is write down their name and number and what deal they are working on. Because if you take a message you have to give the message to the person it is for. And there is always the chance of misspelling a name, writing down the wrong phone number, forgetting to give it to him, or something. I just don't want that kind of responsibility. And even if I were guaranteed to get it all right, I don't really want to be bothered.

If I just tell the caller he stepped away and say nothing more, people get really confused. They are used to options. "would you like me to take a message/find him/slip him a note?" I don't do any of that anymore. They don't know what to do when no options are presented to them. I can imagine a caller on the other side of the phone is thinking "He stepped away? How could he have stepped away? Doesn't he know I am calling? Well now what do I do? His secretary sounds stupid." Sometimes the silence on the other end lasts too long and I ask to take a message, but for the most part after a few awkward seconds of them deciding what to do they ask timidly "can I go into his voicemail?" "Yes of course, one second." Because sending them to voicemail requires nothing more from me then the touch of a few buttons. And if they don't get their message it's not my fault.

More than anything I hate those obnoxious callers who insist on me taking a very long complicated message that I am sure to mess up. Name and number, that's all I need. I don't care why you are calling. Or the people that call to tell me to tell him to check his email. What do I look like his mother? He will check his email when he is ready to check his email. In those cases I usually send my boss an email telling him that Jane Doe wants him to check his email. It seems to work. People don't notice if what they ask you to do actually gets done as long as you tell them you have done it. For the most part they don't check. Because if they really needed and wanted it to be done then they would do it themselves.

I also hate the people who immediately upon hearing my voice hang up. Duh asshole we have caller ID. I didn't want to talk to you either. But talk about rude. And then there are the few who say "no message I'll send him an email." Well if whatever business you are trying to accomplish could have been taken care of over email, why the heck didn't you just email him to begin with?

And then the dreaded "Maybe you can help me?" No, I can never help. So I wish they would stop asking. But I of course can't say that. They ramble on for a few minutes about the offering memorandum or the description of notes and finish up with a question that I can't understand. After they have finished 10 minutes later, I usually put them on hold for a few minutes so it gives them the impression I am looking up the information. Sometimes I look through some papers on my desk hoping to find something I know is not there, but most of the time I just sit there and wait. I wait until enough time has passed so that they think I have been trying to help but not enough time has passed for them to get annoyed with being on hold. Then I return to the caller "I'm sorry, I can't find that information. Can I have him call you?" I hate these callers the most. Because not only do I have to take a message, I have to listen to them talk and worst of all, I have to pretend to care. But at least the caller comes away from the whole experience feeling satisfied. It is the least I can do really.