things to ponder

How come the train doors always close right BEFORE I get on the train?

How come the guy that elbowed me in the forehead this morning didn't say excuse me?

How come when the F train is pulling into Jay Street every morning around 9:03 am, the empty A train across the platform leaves the station before us F train people have even had a chance to push our way across the platform? Every morning. Then we are forced to wait another ten minutes before the next completely full A train arrives. I know they are on a schedule but couldn't they hold the train for ten more seconds? Or at least have it leave sooner so we are not teased by it sitting right in front of us.

How come there is not an "employees must wash hands" sign in my bathroom at work? I see that one senior attorney leave without washing her hands, everyday. Maybe that is why she didn't make partner.

Why does the woman I sit next to have so much trouble understanding how to mail a package back to Victoria Secret?

Why is it that people who have work to do are allowed to stay home...I mean "work" from home, but people like me who have nothing to do, are forced to come in and do nothing. Shouldn't it work the other way around?

How come lawyers are so fucking anal?

Shouldn't you pay less rent for the month of February? I think so.

They should pay the people in the mailroom more than $6.00 an hour. That is $240 a week...before taxes.

Gmail chat is awesome.

There is a new moon today and with it comes a new positive attitude. Yeah that's right. I think I will have a job offer on my desk by the end of March. I mean it. I have a feeling. This last interview didn't work out but the next one will. So pray or wish on stars for me or something. Enough is enough. I am going to have quite the little party when I give my two weeks notice. You're all invited!

the cover letter i wish i could send

Dear Ms. Smith,

I am writing in response to the Program Assistant position that you have available. I became interested as soon as I read about it. Although you probably don't think I am qualified for this position I did in fact go to college and I can read. That alone should qualify me for making copies, kissing your ass, and reserving conference rooms for your bull shit meetings. I sincerely doubt that your program assistant position would require more mental capacity than it does to wipe my ass so I hope you will consider me. In addition to the many years of schooling I have received (very expensive schooling at that) I have managed to hold down a job for the past few years.

It doesn't really matter what I studied in college because it has nothing to do with what your organization does. I am although very interested in speaking with you further about your company. Listen. I just want a job. A job that enables me to make a positive impact on the community. Give me 35G's a year and I will do pretty much whatever you ask of me as long as you promise to write me nice recommendation for grad school.

I am not a people person. I do not work well independently or as part of a team and I pay very little attention to detail. But I need somewhere to bide my time before I win the lottery and this law firm gig isn't really cutting the mustard if ya know what I mean. I am not looking forward to hearing from you about a possible interview because interviews are bullshit and there is really no need for me to waste any other vacation days trying to prove to you I am worthy of this pathetic job. So any questions you have I would prefer to answer through email or over the phone. If you want to see what I look like I can send you some head shots.

Elizabeth Thomas

stop wasting my time!

An open letter to all the people who called me in for a bullshit interview with no intentions of actually hiring me:

STOP WASTING MY TIME

I can only imagine that job interviews were created to humiliate people as some kind of sick twisted form of entertainment. What else is there purpose? What do they accomplish? What can you learn about a person's performance on the job during a 45 min meeting? A meeting that ironically takes place during the day so if they are in fact currently employed they probably called in sick, took a vacation day, or are lying in some way about their whereabouts. Would you really want an employee who calls in sick or just takes off on what appears to be a whim? I didn't think so.

Here are a few sample interview questions that you have probably asked during your search for the perfect employee.

Tell me about yourself.
What are your strengths and weaknesses?
Do you work well independently?
Do you work well as part of a team?
Why are you interested in this position?
What are you greatest professional accomplishments?
Give an example of a challenge that you have had to overcome in the workplace?
What would you do if you had to deal with an angry co-worker?
What's your favorite part of your job?

What can you learn from these questions? In fact the person who answers these questions best is probably the biggest bullshiter out of the bunch and the one that you should put at the bottom of the pile. Either because they have been on so many interviews they know exactly what to say (and you for sure don't want that guy because believe me there is a reason all those other people didn't hire him) or because they are just good at lying.

Why am I interested in the position? Duh asshole I want a new job. Does it really matter why I am interested in this position? Let me worry about why this position interests me. What do you care for as long as I show up and get the work done? And if anyone answered that question honestly they would say, "Well actually I would be more interested in getting paid to sit on my ass and eat candy bars all day, but it doesn't look like that's in the cards so I might as well give this a try." But I guess you can't say that. Do you work well independently? "No." Do you work well as a part of a team? "Definitely not." I guess you can't say that either. What do I do when confronted with angry co-workers? I hit them.

But I suppose stupid interview questions are better than job interviews with no questions. Yes I have been to two of those kinds of interviews. Two. And I pretty much ruined a third by coping a 'tude b/c I didn't think they had any questions for me either.

My two non-interview interviews were the biggest waste of time. As I am sure you can imagine. I asked more questions then they did. I decided that if they have nothing to ask me I will just ask them questions until they are blue in the face. If you are going to waste my time I am going to waste yours. That's right. You want a quick easy interview don't call me because if you don't show me the respect I expect I will accost you with 45 min straight of plain old questions asking. What is the typical day like? What would my main responsibilities be? What is the atmosphere like in the office? What do you see as being the main challenges to the job? Why is the person currently in the position leaving? You get the point.

Well this is how my two non-interview interviews started "Tell me a little about yourself" followed by "Well do you have any questions for me/us (which in simple terms pretty much means the interview is over)?" So then I go on with my long list of questions (all this of course while one woman doodles on my resume). I figure annoying them at this point wont mess anything up. Clearly they aren't interested.

You wanted me to go all the way to Chinatown to tell you "a little bit about myself" and see if I have any questions. How nice. It is nice to know people out there still really care. I get to tell you a little "about myself" and then ask any question my little heart desires. And they say New Yorkers are rude.

I am not quite sure if you people were either completely uninterested to begin with or there is something "about myself" that turns you off and causes you to try and immediately end the interview.

Well why the fuck did you bring me in there? I could have gone out for a few drinks the night before or had an extra half of vacation day had you not asked to speak with me further about the opening you have. Shit, I am doing you a favor. I have a job. A crappy one but hey you are the one who is going to have to pick up the slack if you fail to hire someone in the next few weeks.

Were you that bored? Do they like to try and make people uncomfortable? Well interviews don't make me uncomfortable anymore. In fact they never really did. You can't make me uncomfortable. I don't care enough about what you think to be uncomfortable.

Maybe you wanted to see the latest interview fashions. Are more women wearing skirts/pants? Did you want to see if I was fat or ugly? I just don't get it. Clearly the second I walked in the door you knew I wasn't going to be hired. So why bother? Just going through the motions I suppose. But I wish you had told me that. Then I wouldn't have had to wear that stupid interview outfit (which has become more and more casual - after 8 interviews in as many months you get over the need to wear a suit)

I am actually starting to wonder if there are any organizations in NYC that have yet to reject me. It is sort of a game now. I think maybe I kind of like it. Some kind of masochistic thing I've got going on. Some people like to be bound and whipped; I like to have my hopes and dreams for a more fulfilling career smashed to pieces as often as possible.

How about asking these questions, questions that matter:
Will you come to work on time? Or at all?
Do you steal office supplies and if so which ones?
Do you bathe regularly?
How often do you call in sick?
Have you ever slept with either your boss or an employee?
How many hours a day on average do you waste playing on the internet and emailing your friends?
Do you talk too much?
Would you leave a jam in the printer/copier and not tell anyone about it?
Do you gossip about co-workers?
Do you beat children?

Ask me questions like that. Questions that will give you some idea of who I am. But at least ask me questions. If you have no intention of hiring me. Don't waste my time.

i think my new boss is trying to see if she can make me cry

This is for her if she is reading:

I just don't get it. Sure I didn't go to law school and I don't make $150,000 a year, but I am a human being. And I have feelings too!! No need to yell - I don't need to hear that tone. I get it...you hate me...you think I am stupid...I can't do anything right...I am annoying you...I get it. If it was so important that it needed to get done in your crazy obsessive compulsive way...come do it yourself. That's right I am this fed-up, annoyed, and hurt and you aren't even in the office today. No one has ever made me feel this bad about myself alllll the way from New Jersey.

If it is your goal is to make me cry it wont take much more. I am not quite sure what purpose that would serve but if that is what you want, you can have it. If it makes you feel better about yourself to make me feel bad then you obviously need more help than I do. I have no pride left anyway. I lost all of that after my one year anniversary here...that was like eight months ago. This place takes every last drop of any of that nonsense from you...so you can yell, and I will cry, and then you will feel better about yourself.

So I made a mistake. Nothing irreparable. Nothing sent out to clients, or even to anyone in the office. Sorry. I'm sorry. I am a stupid terrible person. Would you like me to send out a mass email to everyone in the company letting them know that you have the WORST secretary on the planet and that you were better off with the lady always out on disability? Because at this point if it will get you to shut the fuck up I will.

But I want to make something clear. The thing I messed up I have NEVER done before. EVER. And there is NO ONE to show me how to do it. Your old secretary even looked over it and said it was fine. What else do you want from me? You aren't even in the office today! I tried to ask you a question so I hit reply to the email you sent me hoping for some help. How come you didn't answer my question? How come you just wrote back "Please don't email me at this email address". I don't get it. Don't you want me to ask you how to do something before I completely fuck it up? Don't you want me to learn!

Do you want me to be scared of you? I really only get scared when I watch Unsolved Mysteries. Plus you are like the only person on the planet that I am bigger than so I am definitely not afraid you are going to beat me up. I'm not afraid of getting fired...I sort of secretly dream about it. And let's be honest, I don't even think you have the power to fire me.

What can you do to get under my skin you ask? Nothing. You couldn't possibly make me feel any worse about myself - just working here takes care of that. I guess you could try and get me fired, but you can't, and I wouldn't even mind if you did...so? Basically there is nothing you can do to fuck with me.

But think of all the shit that would go wrong if I take a zero or two off from that bill I am supposed to send out. Or what if the wrong guy got some confidential information. You sure would be pretty upset. All I would get is yelled at...and as it stands I get yelled at even when I DON'T make mistakes. I get yelled at by people I don't even work for. I get yelled at by people who don't even work here! It would be pretty funny to see you get really upset. I guess the worst thing you could really do is not try to get me fired. That means I have to still work here. It also means I have to sit next to this new woman who grunts every time she clicks her mouse. No more Marge.

Anyway. This really sucks and I am not quite sure what to do. Suggestions please. Quit. Skip town. I think I should quit. But then what would I do for money? Why can't someone just give me a new job. I swear I am qualified. Or at least I will try hard. Please, someone out there must have a job for me. I'll do anything. Really. Maybe I should just move to Maryland and work for the steel mill again.

saddam and his hunger strike

Let me take some time to get a little political here. Well not really political per se but um...well I just have never understood the hunger strike. Especially for Saddam. The only thing he is going to accomplish is losing those extra few pounds he could get off when he was hiding in that bunker or whatever. He might even die. But chances are that even though "they" want him dead, "they" probably wouldn't let it get to that point. It would look bad. So he will just be really hungry.

But back to hunger strikes in general. The only person who cares what you eat is your Grandmother. And chances are she doesn't have any kind of political clout. So if you want to starve yourself because of "fill in the blank", go ahead...but I hope you realize there are like millions of people around the world starving at this very moment that no one gives a fuck about. So why do you think attaching a cause to it is going to do any good?

And we all know what it feels like when you haven't had a good meal in a while, you get cranky, light-headed, sleepy etc. If you are trying to fight the "man" shouldn't you have all your strength? Enjoy a nice three course meal and then go on to debate and talk about whatever political message you stand for. If you have a hunger strike and people actually put you on the news he only thing people are going to think is get that emaciated disgustingly thin person off the television so I can watch my shows.

...

I really wish my job gave out free turkey sandwiches everyday at lunch. That is really all I need to be happy. And maybe a Coke every once in a while.

i boycott being nice

So they sent out this company wide email about how my firm is #1 in this and #1 and that and top ten in this other thing that I can't quite understand. The only thing I understand is that these people are officially evil. And cheap. Along with our top ten finishes in three major categories of law stuff, they also sent along some very startling numbers $34 billon, $25 billion etc. I'm am certainly not suggesting that my firm took in all that money, but if I know these lawyers as well as I think I do...they sure had a fistful of that cash.

Nothing wrong with getting the money you worked for. Now I know for sure that they have plenty to go around. Perhaps I will print it out and bring it to my "salary review" meeting in MID MAY. Or maybe I will just ask my bosses if they are willing to get one less free cab ride/dinner a week so I can get my raise sooner.

I am moving to another floor next week. I hate the idea of moving because part of me feels like since I am packing up - I am leaving, but no. I am just moving to another floor in the same company. Once I am nice and settled I am going to start bothering them about my money. It isn't like I am asking for $100,000 a year, or even $50,000. I can't even think about it I get so mad. Anyway...the squeaky wheel gets the oil and I certainly have nothing better to do than squeak all day long. So watch out administration. Maybe I will write them up a memo. They like to send memos around here. And I could get it hand delivered, they really like things hand delivered. Maybe I could print the memo out on the back of the email they sent out about how much money the firm makes. Do you think that is too much?

But I decided that until I get my money I am going to have some sort of boycott. I can't strike...because besides the fact that they probably wouldn't notice if I didn't show up...after so many days, they can start deducting pay. That would have the complete opposite outcome than I had intended. I want MORE money, not less. If I am going to continue to waste away here, I might as well have enough money to maintain my luxurious lifestyle.

Anyway I decided my boycott will include things like no more holding doors for people who work here, no more holding the elevator for people to finish their insipid conversations in the lobby and certainly no more clearing paper jams. Things like that. I am also cutting out any small talk of any kind. Now that I will be moving floors I wont know anyone and should make it through the day in silence. No Marge to bother me. No joking around with Andy. Although this may amaze most of you I have no desire to speak whatsoever between the hours of 9:30 and 5:30. No one here has anything smart enough to say back. I can't really get in trouble for being a huge bitch. But this boycott only applies to those who work in the firm. So I will be nice to everyone else. Well at least as nice as I usually am.

bowling with the bro report

I sharpened up my bowling skills over the weekend. I forgot how much fun it is. The bowling alley was also weirdly segregated. Now, I wont jump to conclusions but it sure did look like all the black people were on one side and all the white people were on the other. Perhaps just a coincidence. Definitely very odd. I also decided bowling was more of a sport than I had previously thought. I am not proud to admit this, but I am a little sore from the whole endeavor. But it was well worth it. I wont say who, but one of the bros got his ass kicked by yours truly. Well, ass kicked - lost by two points, it is all the same in my book. A win is a win is a win - and I won. Well at least that first game.

On a more serious note, will someone explain to me why these days looking like a fool equals irony. I took some time to look it up.

i·ro·ny

- The use of words to express something different from and often opposite to their literal meaning.
- An expression or utterance marked by a deliberate contrast between apparent and intended meaning.
- A literary style employing such contrasts for humorous or rhetorical effect.

As you can see, this definition includes no mention of terrible music, ugly clothes, or really bad haircuts. I just don't get it. I am not trying to "hate", I am just asking someone to please explain, so maybe I can be ironic too. Maybe I am ironic and I just don't know it.

Poor Michelle Kwan. She was the only reason I was excited about the Olympics. Oh well. But Erin and I decided to get really into Curling this year. Or sweeping as we prefer to call it.

if a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, does it make a sound?

How about if you drop 5 reams of paper on your head and scream and no one comes to check and see if you are ok? Does that make a sound? I'm pretty sure it does. But the fine attorney's at my firm would like to pretend that they don't hear anything I say or scream. Maybe I should ask: If you drop 5 reams of paper on your head and scream and no one comes to help, does it still hurt? Yes. It does. Nice to know people around here care.

This isn't the first time I have encountered such blatant acts of insensitivity in my office. I ignored this problem when no one came out to see if I was ok after the paper cut incident last week. The paper cut incident being when I screamed out in pain because of the worlds largest paper cut, that still hurts might I add. But with the paper cut, sure I could see how they would think it was just someone's stupid secretary screaming about something stupid. And I guess that is really what it was. But this? All that paper falling from the top cabinet. I mean come on. Weren't they at least curious about what the sound was? Sure I can imagine ignoring my scream, but bloump bluompu blupm booom booom bam. I nearly took out the printer. How could they ignore that?

There isn't much that brings these people out of their offices. I suppose if I started running through the halls and lit myself on fire someone might stick their head out, but probably just long enough to figure out that they needed to close the door. Then I would continue to run through the halls on fire. They would only become annoyed or worried when the flames shooting from my body started to scorch the newly renovated hallways. That is the kind of place this is. People pretend that the other people in the office don't exist. Or maybe they just pretend the secretaries don't exist. Or maybe they just pretend I don't exist. Either way I pretty much make it through the day below everyone's radar. Everyone except Marge's. The one person who I wish ignored me.

Can't say that bothers me. But it's a toss up. Getting ignored might mean I don't have to have boring small talk with people I can't stand, but it also means I could be trapped underneath a pile of paper for days without anyone noticing it. I guess I'll take my chances.

Guess what? I saw Benicio Del Toro yesterday as I ate my grilled corn at Cafe Habana (which is delicious by the way). First I see Mos Def there, now him. This little restaurant has quite the clientele. I did however notice he didn't bus his own table, which I think is awfully rude. He sort of looked like an old drunk man. I am not sure if I was more excited when I sat next to him, or when I sat next to Felicity on the train. It's a close call but I think I will go with Benicio. Because, as Ashley pointed out, how many people have gotten up close and personal with Ms. Scarlett Johansson? Well probably quite a few but none that I have sat next to (sorry Josh).

the middle of may

wanna hear some good news? that raise i was supposed to get...my "pay increase" well i don't get it until the middle of may yeah, that's right. THE MIDDLE OF MAY. MAY. may being the 5th month of the year. we just started february, so by my calculations (correct me if i am wrong) that is OVER THREE MONTHS from now. not days, not weeks, but months. who do they think they are? my boss that made partner already got his raise. where's mine? is it retroactive? "probably not" why you ask? a trial period. b/c i have only been working here for over a year. a trial period!!!!!!!! i am so mad i can't even use capital letters. i hate this place. cheap fucking bastards. had i not sprained my pinky finger yesterday i would go on in further detail about how appalled i am. but i suppose i should just take a lot of deep breaths instead. mid may. i can't fucking believe this. it isn't like they don't have the cash. i can't believe this. i have to stop writing or flames are going to start bursting out of my head.

super bowl funday!

I am sure the western half of half of Pennsylvania is very excited this morning. The rest of it is still wondering what went wrong with the Birds (Eagles not Seahawks). Seattle is probably entering its 1,564th day of rain and after last night its residents have no reason to actually leave the house. Especially if you are my brother, he "works" from home. As Sam's brother pointed out I had my first HD Super Bowl yesterday and let me tell you it was everything I could have imagined and more. The TV was big, the couches were comfortable and there was more than enough food to go around. The TV is so big in fact that Sam is getting paid $500 just for a picture of it from some magazine.

Everyone was there, it was Oriana's first Super Bowl and I think she even had fun. Katherine only asked if it was almost over once or twice, but I am not sure if she had more fun watching the game, or waiting to see if Jerome Bettis had an asthma attack. I thought that was a bit cruel, and people say I have no heart. Rob walked away with a grand total of $153. $12 of which were mine. Not that there was any gambling going on or anything. Having Rob and the Steelers win in the same night was just too much for us all to handle. Josh even called it the worst day of his life. One of the big wigs from Con-ed was there. I should have taken the chance to ask him why our electric bill has been so high. Is it our usage, or the cost of electricity? I don't really understand those kinds of things but I am sure he does. The only no show was little Jose Rubenstein.

The game itself was so-so and the commercials were sub par. Except of course for that MacGyver one. I love MacGyver. But back to the game. Ben Roethlisberger threw some interceptions I liked that. Hines Ward won the MVP which I suppose was ok since he is one of the few players on the Steelers I can sort of stand. And his little son was the cutest thing ever! I spent most of the game trying to figure out who to cheer on. I was leaning towards Seattle I suppose because they were the underdog. I sort of got into it except when they showed Hasselbeck, Holmgren, and, Alexander. I don't like them. And when they showed them, I was reminded that I don't like them. Kevin pointed out that I have weird reasons for not liking people. I would agree with that. But how could Shaun Alexander NOT bother you. I just don't get it. There is something about the shape of his head or something.

Bill Cowher is so annoying. How can anyone stand to talk to the man? He is always spitting all over the place. Spitting and crying. Crying an kissing. Get a room. The Steelers owner Mooney or Rooney or whatever his name is, I think he looks evil, he also looked like he wasn't going to make it down from that podium.

And enough about Jerome Bettis finally getting his ring. Please. There are a whole bunch of NFL players that don't have rings. In fact the large majority of humans living on this planet manage to get through their lives without a Super Bowl ring. A lot of them are even really happy people. So I am sure he would have been ok. Think about Dan Marino, he manages to get out of bed every once in a while. Look at me, I have absolutely no chance to EVER win a Super Bowl, or even play in a Super Bowl, or even play in a real football game. Sure it was hard to take at first, but I got used to it. I am still alive and kicking. And take it from someone who has reached the peak of her career as a legal secretary, even when you find yourself at the highest point of success in your field there is always more to accomplish elsewhere.

You can't use career milestones to make you happy. Only YOU can make YOU happy. Trust me. After the congratulations and good jobs end and the Champagne dries up Jerome is going to take a long hard look in the mirror and if he isn't 100% happy that little ring isn't going to do much to fill the void that his career has created in his home life or cure the Herpes he got from that groupie in Indianapolis. So Jerome, if you are reading, go use those millions to find out what really makes you happy.

But besides all that I had a lovely time. Bravo Sam. Great Super Bowl party. Hopefully next year more fitting team will be representing the NFC, like the Eagles, and I can actually care about the outcome.

punxsutawney phil

Well it's Groundhog Day. The little fucker saw his shadow...again. Doesn't he see it every year? I don't get it. How could he not see his shadow with all those cameras flashing in his face? I never quite understood who came up with this groundhog nonsense. So if he sees his shadow six more weeks of winter. Six more weeks of winter pretty much puts us into the middle of March. Isn't that when winter is supposed to end anyway? I don't need a groundhog to tell me that.

I feel bad for the little guy. Plucked out of bed at six in the morning once a year in the freezing cold. He gets a little taste of the limelight and bam, they take it away. They ignore him for the rest of the year. Sure he probably does some guest appearances every now and again but he only has one moment to shine. And if he sees his shadow people boo. I mean come on. Who could boo a poor little groundhog? He doesn't know what's going on. Imagine you come out of your house once a year and there are like a billion people standing on your lawn and they all boo at you? Seems a little harsh. Do you think it is the same one every year or do they just run out February 1st and buy a groundhog and call him Phil? Or do they have a bunch of them rotating every couple of years?

Marge doesn't really care too much about Punxsutawney Phil she is only concerned about what "Chuck" the Staten Island Groundhog says. Yes "Staten Island Chuck". She never had even heard of Punxsutawney Phil until last year when I told her. She thought Chuck was THE groundhog. Please. She doesn't know too much outside of Staten Island. For this woman although she sits in front of a computer all day going "online" is a big adventure. In fact she announces it to me every time. "well, Liz, I'm gonna go online after I send out this fax."

Although she has managed to distract herself this morning in search of a particular florist in Brooklyn Heights (which was established in 1853 "isn't that interesting?"), so she doesn't have time to think about the weather. She is worse than usual. It has just been a steady stream of chitter chatter about nothing, she has to do a distribution, she has to cash a check, get a cup a tea, go to Xerox...maybe I should wear earplugs? You know how some people are physically unable to hear the tones of certain peoples voices. Like they are too high or too something? Well I wish I was one of those people and it was her voice I couldn't hear.

I'm ready for the Super Bowl. Very excited to see it on a big fancy TV. I'll make sure to bring my camera so I can get a picture of Katherine watching sports. I am completely indifferent about both teams which I guess is kinda nice and probably a lot more healthy. I go back and forth debating about whether I should cheer for or against the Steelers. And who even fucking cares about the Seahawks? A pretend team from a pretend city.

So now I like Peyton Manning. Well, like is a strong word, but I don't hate him with every ounce of my being anymore. I think it was those MasterCard commercials that got me. The one where he asks for autographs? "Can you sign the bread for my little brother?" Just so funny. Ya know because his little brother is Eli Manning, QB for the hapless NY Giants. See it's funny. That in combination with the death of Tony Dungy's son made me not hate the colts, which is a huge step for me. I really don't like dome teams. And I also don't like that Peyton gets more hype than Donovan McNabb. That is really why I hate him.

Well that's all, but before I go let's all give a big round of applause to my cousin Blair who was crowned Queen of her Winter Ball. She is one of those nice popular kids in her high school. Nice to see that kind of behavior rewarded.

i got promoted...i am so excited i can hardly contain myself

I got a promotion. That's what they call it. I call it just another annoyance and further confirmation that I do in fact actually work here. I will be working for two partners. Matt (who I have been working for) and Samantha. That is the promotion. I will be doing the same thing, except only for two people instead of four. Along with the "prestige" of working for partners I also get a raise. That's right you get more money when you work for less people. Doesn't make sense to me either but I guess since they are supposed to be "more important" it makes a difference or something. Although I could argue they are less important. Partners seem to work fewer hours and take fancier, longer vacations, they also can't wipe their ass without calling an associate...so if they are never here and when they are here they are running to their employees for help...that makes them more important how?

The raise is nice, let's hope it is a good one. Let's also hope it is retroactive because Matt has been a partner for over a month, and I know he got his raise, so I'm waiting. Anyway this new woman I will be working for is a little crazy. Hopefully it wont be a problem. She is however about to pop out her third child. I am hoping that means a nice loooooong maternity leave. She also works from home a bunch. I love it when they work from home.

Marge is very sad to see me leave, as I am sure you can imagine. The first thing she asked me this morning was "Liz, were you able to get some sleep last night, with all the changes? hahaha." "Yes." These are the things Marge lives for. This is her idea of exciting juicy gossip. Who is moving to what office, and who will be working for whom. (By the way it feels like a Friday to her today.)

It is just annoying that everyone is congratulating me. Why? Do you know what this promotion means? It means that after being here a little over a year I have already reached the pinnacle of success. The highest point I can possibly achieve here. After this there is nothing more for me to accomplish. Congratulations? More like pretty fucking pathetic. If they aren't congratulating me, they are telling me how lucky I am. Lucky? Please lucky would be if I won the lottery or if I saw myself getting another job in the foreseeable future. Or even the unforeseeable future. I just want them to pay me more. And pay me more ASAP. Cause the funds are running a little low.

I want to give a shout out to the security department here at 80 Pine Street. Nice to know you guys have everything "under control". Well not really. They will let pretty much anyone into the building. Just sign the book and in a rare occasion they even take a digital picture. The picture could be of Osama himself and you couldn't tell with the shitty cameras they have. So why even bother?

But we do have the best security badges money can buy. Very high-tech. They open all the doors and get me past those turnstile thingys in the lobby. They have our pictures and our names. They are so high-tech that once you use yours to get into the building you can't use it again for another 15 minutes. I am sure Mark could tell you all how that works but to me it is magical. In fact I would rather not know. I kind of enjoy getting locked out of my office and having the turnstile freeze immediately as I swipe my card. I don't want to know how that little black sensor thing can tell that I was just there. Nor do I want to know why it cares enough not to let me back in.

A lot of the woman here keep their cards around their necks or clipped to their skirts. I just sort of let mine float around my bag. Sure it takes me a little longer to find it then everyone else, but why rush to my desk? I refuse to put it on a string and wear it around my neck, I also refuse to clip it to any part of my body. I don't need any other reminders that I work here. I certainly don't want to advertise it.

What am I? A child that needs to have my key clipped to my body. I would feel like instead of me having my ID card attached to me, my ID card would have me attached to it. I would be on a leash, at its mercy. It is bad enough I can't go anywhere without it, I don't need to give it anymore power than it already has. I don't need to be attached to it. I know it is there when I need it, most of the time. I don't want it stringing me along throughout the day letting me in one second and not letting me in the next, on what appears to be a whim. I would rather keep it out of sight in my bag or on the floor of my bedroom and use when I choose. And treat it as disposably as this law firm treats me.

I left my card at my desk last night so first thing in the morning I had to deal with "security". The guy sort of knows me by now because I am often sans ID card. He looks me up and down, I assume to make sure I am not carrying any suspicious packages. He asks me which company I work for. He knows exactly which company I work for. We do this every other week at least. I write my name in a book and then he gives me a spiel about where my card is and so forth. Like I need to hear it from him. Like I enjoy inconveniencing myself and decided "ya know what Liz, leave your card at your desk so you have to deal with the dude with the moustache and you have to bang on the door to get into your office." Sounds like a great idea. I am a grown women I don't need a lecture from some guy like I forgot my homework or something. What the fuck does he care where my card is? Just fucking let me in.

So he lets me in. People around here are too lazy to take their cards out of their wallets so they hold everyone up by trying to get their card to read through their wallet, pants pocket, or purse. So he essentially humps the sensor four or five times to try to get it to beep. He is obviously confused and embarrassed it isn't working. He is "security" after all. There is a lot of humping and butt rubbing against these sensors. I suppose if you didn't know what people were doing it would look a little perverse.

So I'm in and I think as I glide up to the 20th floor, what kind of security is this? Do they just let anyone in without a card? What's the point of having a card if someone will just let you in without one? Isn't the fact that you have a card supposed to mean something? Aren't you only allowed in with your card? That is what we were told when we got our cards. I say if you show up without your card, you should be sent home, or to some kind of room where people who forget their cards have to be quarantined and questioned. Once deemed "secure" then we can head up to our office. That's what would happen if I was in charge of security. There are crazy people running all over this city. You can't just be letting them in without a card.

Sure "security" knows I work here but what if I had just been fired and am coming back to get revenge? I don't think I like this. He didn't even ask for ID. But I think if you are going to have 15-20 security guards patrolling the lobby and even more in the "messaging center" then Jesus fucking Christ have some fucking security. Just because you know me and I don't look crazy, doesn't mean I'm not. I could be just as crazy as the next guy and I would like everyone to be treated with the same amount of suspicion so please security people let's kick it up a notch.