stop wasting my time!

An open letter to all the people who called me in for a bullshit interview with no intentions of actually hiring me:

STOP WASTING MY TIME

I can only imagine that job interviews were created to humiliate people as some kind of sick twisted form of entertainment. What else is there purpose? What do they accomplish? What can you learn about a person's performance on the job during a 45 min meeting? A meeting that ironically takes place during the day so if they are in fact currently employed they probably called in sick, took a vacation day, or are lying in some way about their whereabouts. Would you really want an employee who calls in sick or just takes off on what appears to be a whim? I didn't think so.

Here are a few sample interview questions that you have probably asked during your search for the perfect employee.

Tell me about yourself.
What are your strengths and weaknesses?
Do you work well independently?
Do you work well as part of a team?
Why are you interested in this position?
What are you greatest professional accomplishments?
Give an example of a challenge that you have had to overcome in the workplace?
What would you do if you had to deal with an angry co-worker?
What's your favorite part of your job?

What can you learn from these questions? In fact the person who answers these questions best is probably the biggest bullshiter out of the bunch and the one that you should put at the bottom of the pile. Either because they have been on so many interviews they know exactly what to say (and you for sure don't want that guy because believe me there is a reason all those other people didn't hire him) or because they are just good at lying.

Why am I interested in the position? Duh asshole I want a new job. Does it really matter why I am interested in this position? Let me worry about why this position interests me. What do you care for as long as I show up and get the work done? And if anyone answered that question honestly they would say, "Well actually I would be more interested in getting paid to sit on my ass and eat candy bars all day, but it doesn't look like that's in the cards so I might as well give this a try." But I guess you can't say that. Do you work well independently? "No." Do you work well as a part of a team? "Definitely not." I guess you can't say that either. What do I do when confronted with angry co-workers? I hit them.

But I suppose stupid interview questions are better than job interviews with no questions. Yes I have been to two of those kinds of interviews. Two. And I pretty much ruined a third by coping a 'tude b/c I didn't think they had any questions for me either.

My two non-interview interviews were the biggest waste of time. As I am sure you can imagine. I asked more questions then they did. I decided that if they have nothing to ask me I will just ask them questions until they are blue in the face. If you are going to waste my time I am going to waste yours. That's right. You want a quick easy interview don't call me because if you don't show me the respect I expect I will accost you with 45 min straight of plain old questions asking. What is the typical day like? What would my main responsibilities be? What is the atmosphere like in the office? What do you see as being the main challenges to the job? Why is the person currently in the position leaving? You get the point.

Well this is how my two non-interview interviews started "Tell me a little about yourself" followed by "Well do you have any questions for me/us (which in simple terms pretty much means the interview is over)?" So then I go on with my long list of questions (all this of course while one woman doodles on my resume). I figure annoying them at this point wont mess anything up. Clearly they aren't interested.

You wanted me to go all the way to Chinatown to tell you "a little bit about myself" and see if I have any questions. How nice. It is nice to know people out there still really care. I get to tell you a little "about myself" and then ask any question my little heart desires. And they say New Yorkers are rude.

I am not quite sure if you people were either completely uninterested to begin with or there is something "about myself" that turns you off and causes you to try and immediately end the interview.

Well why the fuck did you bring me in there? I could have gone out for a few drinks the night before or had an extra half of vacation day had you not asked to speak with me further about the opening you have. Shit, I am doing you a favor. I have a job. A crappy one but hey you are the one who is going to have to pick up the slack if you fail to hire someone in the next few weeks.

Were you that bored? Do they like to try and make people uncomfortable? Well interviews don't make me uncomfortable anymore. In fact they never really did. You can't make me uncomfortable. I don't care enough about what you think to be uncomfortable.

Maybe you wanted to see the latest interview fashions. Are more women wearing skirts/pants? Did you want to see if I was fat or ugly? I just don't get it. Clearly the second I walked in the door you knew I wasn't going to be hired. So why bother? Just going through the motions I suppose. But I wish you had told me that. Then I wouldn't have had to wear that stupid interview outfit (which has become more and more casual - after 8 interviews in as many months you get over the need to wear a suit)

I am actually starting to wonder if there are any organizations in NYC that have yet to reject me. It is sort of a game now. I think maybe I kind of like it. Some kind of masochistic thing I've got going on. Some people like to be bound and whipped; I like to have my hopes and dreams for a more fulfilling career smashed to pieces as often as possible.

How about asking these questions, questions that matter:
Will you come to work on time? Or at all?
Do you steal office supplies and if so which ones?
Do you bathe regularly?
How often do you call in sick?
Have you ever slept with either your boss or an employee?
How many hours a day on average do you waste playing on the internet and emailing your friends?
Do you talk too much?
Would you leave a jam in the printer/copier and not tell anyone about it?
Do you gossip about co-workers?
Do you beat children?

Ask me questions like that. Questions that will give you some idea of who I am. But at least ask me questions. If you have no intention of hiring me. Don't waste my time.