the cover letter i wish i could send

Dear Ms. Smith,

I am writing in response to the Program Assistant position that you have available. I became interested as soon as I read about it. Although you probably don't think I am qualified for this position I did in fact go to college and I can read. That alone should qualify me for making copies, kissing your ass, and reserving conference rooms for your bull shit meetings. I sincerely doubt that your program assistant position would require more mental capacity than it does to wipe my ass so I hope you will consider me. In addition to the many years of schooling I have received (very expensive schooling at that) I have managed to hold down a job for the past few years.

It doesn't really matter what I studied in college because it has nothing to do with what your organization does. I am although very interested in speaking with you further about your company. Listen. I just want a job. A job that enables me to make a positive impact on the community. Give me 35G's a year and I will do pretty much whatever you ask of me as long as you promise to write me nice recommendation for grad school.

I am not a people person. I do not work well independently or as part of a team and I pay very little attention to detail. But I need somewhere to bide my time before I win the lottery and this law firm gig isn't really cutting the mustard if ya know what I mean. I am not looking forward to hearing from you about a possible interview because interviews are bullshit and there is really no need for me to waste any other vacation days trying to prove to you I am worthy of this pathetic job. So any questions you have I would prefer to answer through email or over the phone. If you want to see what I look like I can send you some head shots.

Elizabeth Thomas