i think my new boss is trying to see if she can make me cry

This is for her if she is reading:

I just don't get it. Sure I didn't go to law school and I don't make $150,000 a year, but I am a human being. And I have feelings too!! No need to yell - I don't need to hear that tone. I get it...you hate me...you think I am stupid...I can't do anything right...I am annoying you...I get it. If it was so important that it needed to get done in your crazy obsessive compulsive way...come do it yourself. That's right I am this fed-up, annoyed, and hurt and you aren't even in the office today. No one has ever made me feel this bad about myself alllll the way from New Jersey.

If it is your goal is to make me cry it wont take much more. I am not quite sure what purpose that would serve but if that is what you want, you can have it. If it makes you feel better about yourself to make me feel bad then you obviously need more help than I do. I have no pride left anyway. I lost all of that after my one year anniversary here...that was like eight months ago. This place takes every last drop of any of that nonsense from you...so you can yell, and I will cry, and then you will feel better about yourself.

So I made a mistake. Nothing irreparable. Nothing sent out to clients, or even to anyone in the office. Sorry. I'm sorry. I am a stupid terrible person. Would you like me to send out a mass email to everyone in the company letting them know that you have the WORST secretary on the planet and that you were better off with the lady always out on disability? Because at this point if it will get you to shut the fuck up I will.

But I want to make something clear. The thing I messed up I have NEVER done before. EVER. And there is NO ONE to show me how to do it. Your old secretary even looked over it and said it was fine. What else do you want from me? You aren't even in the office today! I tried to ask you a question so I hit reply to the email you sent me hoping for some help. How come you didn't answer my question? How come you just wrote back "Please don't email me at this email address". I don't get it. Don't you want me to ask you how to do something before I completely fuck it up? Don't you want me to learn!

Do you want me to be scared of you? I really only get scared when I watch Unsolved Mysteries. Plus you are like the only person on the planet that I am bigger than so I am definitely not afraid you are going to beat me up. I'm not afraid of getting fired...I sort of secretly dream about it. And let's be honest, I don't even think you have the power to fire me.

What can you do to get under my skin you ask? Nothing. You couldn't possibly make me feel any worse about myself - just working here takes care of that. I guess you could try and get me fired, but you can't, and I wouldn't even mind if you did...so? Basically there is nothing you can do to fuck with me.

But think of all the shit that would go wrong if I take a zero or two off from that bill I am supposed to send out. Or what if the wrong guy got some confidential information. You sure would be pretty upset. All I would get is yelled at...and as it stands I get yelled at even when I DON'T make mistakes. I get yelled at by people I don't even work for. I get yelled at by people who don't even work here! It would be pretty funny to see you get really upset. I guess the worst thing you could really do is not try to get me fired. That means I have to still work here. It also means I have to sit next to this new woman who grunts every time she clicks her mouse. No more Marge.

Anyway. This really sucks and I am not quite sure what to do. Suggestions please. Quit. Skip town. I think I should quit. But then what would I do for money? Why can't someone just give me a new job. I swear I am qualified. Or at least I will try hard. Please, someone out there must have a job for me. I'll do anything. Really. Maybe I should just move to Maryland and work for the steel mill again.