dentist

Dental care is so underrated. Everyone should go to the dentist. You'll thank me later.

working and water stains

So I sort of realized the thing about having a job is the fact that I have to work. Yeah yeah we all know I like my new job but lets be honest, sleeping in and watching soap operas while sitting on piles of money would probably be just as, if not more satisfying. The days go by faster – although I am not quite sure if that is a good thing – and they even have a water cooler at my new office. That really takes the cake. Seriously, at my billion-dollar law firm they made us drink from the tap! I don’t know what kind of operation they were running but they certainly didn’t know how to treat their employees. Although I am sure I am screwing things up at my new job that I don’t even know that I am screwing up I really am trying to do a good job. I really hope they like me.

I just need a vacation. Although to be honest I need a vacation from life more than I need a vacation from work. I especially need a vacation from where my office is located. Jesus fucking Christ the tourists are everywhere. I go out for lunch literally across the street and it takes me at least twenty minutes to get there and back because some high school from Arkansas decided to take a fucking field trip to New York. To see what? Buy a fucking post card. Tall buildings, honking cars, cabs, flashy lights, that’s all there really is to it. I don’t know why people have to stop in the middle of the sidewalk to take a picture. Or ride around in those tourist buses looking down at us like we are in some sort of science experiment. It is too damn hot to have all these people with fanny packs and cameras blocking my way. I try to be polite but they are just so damn annoying.

Last week in fact some 10-year-old asshole on vacation spilled his water all over me and I didn’t even get an apology. All I heard was his mom in the background saying “good job…it’s just water it wont stain.” What the fuck is that all about? Just because it is water and wont stain doesn’t mean your 10-year-old juvenile delinquent son shouldn’t apologize to me. That is what’s wrong with this country. What kind of way is that to raise a child? Letting him spill things all over people and not saying you’re sorry. Absurd. Ya know what’s gonna happen now? The only thing that kid is going to learn from his fancy vacation to NYC is that it is ok to spill things on people. He will go back to whatever small town he is from and start spilling water all over everyone and not even think twice about it. “Its just water…it wont stain.” Well that doesn’t make it ok because next thing you know it isn’t water anymore, it’s grape soda and not far after that he will be robbing liquor stores and selling drugs to his elementary school classmates. All because his poor excuse for a mother didn’t firmly instruct him to apologize to the nice young lady that he spilled his water on. It is a slippery slope people and if you let your kids get away with murder when they are younger they will end up doing lines of coke on the playground after school.

He will probably also get really really fat because everyone in this country gets really fat and since I have had a glimpse at his mothers parenting skills I can almost assure you that that kid eats a Big Mac with bacon at least three times a week. So he will be fat and on drugs and in jail all because he never learned to say “I’m sorry” or “excuse me for carelessly and thoughtlessly pouring an entire cup of water on you for no apparent reason except for the fact that I am a complete idiot and I haven’t quite developed my motor skills yet, please forgive me, have a nice day.”

And what if it did stain? How do they know what kind of material I was wearing? There are in fact fabrics that can be stained by water. She doesn’t know my dress was made out of cotton. What if I had been wearing a very expensive non-natural fabric that now had an enormous water stain on the back? People shouldn’t be so quick to let their children go around spilling water all over everything. What if I were allergic to water? What if the water he spilled created an enormous puddle and some poor 85-year-old woman with a walker slipped on it? There are a thousand and one different what ifs and they all end with me being very annoyed at this woman who lets her child spill water all over everything. She probably lets him drink beer and have a drag off her cigarettes every once in while. That is if she is ever even home with the poor child who probably spilled the water on me as a last ditch effort to get some kind of attention from his porn-star mother. My god.

Well I hope you have all learned a little lesson. Once you have kids make them apologize when they do rude things to strangers.

america is so fucking fat

America is so fucking fat it’s like disgusting. I took a little vacay over the weekend and found myself in some sort of leper colony. No joke. Any when I say fat its not just me being overly critical and shallow. We ate at one of those chain breakfast restaurants were I ingested about twice the recommended daily caloric intake before noon. They have so much food at this place that they have fat tables. You know how larger people always complain about chairs that have arms on them, ya know because they can’t fit. Well none of the chairs in this restaurant had arms. Erin said when she was in Jamaica everyone thought she was from Europe because she was so skinny. Well Erin isn’t from Europe and I want to tell everyone out there that not all Americans are fat. Most of us are but not all of us. I’m too shallow to ever be fat but I suppose other people just don’t care about those kinds of things. Ok I should say I don’t hate fat people and I am not prejudice against them or anything. Just eat a salad and take a fucking walk