larry brown can kiss my ass

I really hate Larry Brown. Asshole, traitor, liar, whiner...just a few words that pop into my mind when I think about him. Why anyone would bring him in to pollute their team is beyond me. We had a good run with him in Philly, I heard him say all the things you want good coaches to say. "I love it here." "This is my home...where my family is happy." Blah Blah Blah. Fuck you Larry Brown. He left us high and dry for the team that kicked us out of the playoffs.

He had us all fooled. We thought he was in it for the long haul. He wanted to retire in the Philadelphia suburbs and coach basketball at is his son's high school. At least that is what he told us time and time again. We went to the finals. 2001 was an AMAZING year. So why am I left with such a bitter taste in my mouth? And more importantly why am I talking about it now? Well, I have tickets to the Sixers/Knicks game Friday at MSG. I am very excited to hopefully see AI and the crew win. I am a little annoyed at the thought of being surrounded by so many New York fans, but I suppose I will take one for the team.

Thinking about the game has made all these bad Larry Brown feelings resurface. I want to kick him. Not hard, because I know he has some health problems, but just hard enough so he knows that he has just been kicked. I know his tricks. He has no class and a huge fucking ego to go along with it. He's an instigator. And he never holds himself accountable for anything. It is ALWAYS someone else's fault.

Sure he is a great coach but he spent all those years in Philadelphia bashing Allen Iverson. Many people blame the media, but in this case I blame Larry Brown. Why? Because everything is his fault. Larry Brown vilified Allen Iverson for all those years when really he only had to look in the mirror to see the real problem. Now if you know anything about me you will know that if there is any kind of bashing that will not go ignored, it is Allen Iverson Bashing. He can do no wrong in my opinion. Sure he missed some practice here and there, but who hasn't skipped worked every once in a while? (And I don't want to get comments from all you Allen Iverson haters out there. So don't waste my time.)

Honestly, I'm surprised Larry Brown took his head out of his ass long enough to even notice Allen wasn't at practice. Larry spent most of his time in Philadelphia spouting off in front of a podium about Allen this and Allen that. Yet Allen, who was supposed to be this irresponsible "thug" never ever took a shot a Brown. Never one callous remark. Trust me, I have seen more AI press conferences than I care to admit and he has nothing but nice things to say about Larry. All those years he sat and listened to Larry criticize him and complain about him and make jokes at his expense. And he stayed silent. Even after these last few years when Larry Brown has been chastised by the Philly press AI never says a negative word.

It just saddens me to know Larry is doing the same thing to Stephon Marbury in NYC. And from what it looks like on the front pages of all those "newspapers" people in New York are falling for it. It isn't Stephon, I promise!!! Larry Brown is causing all the problems for the Knicks. No matter what the Daily News says, just remember it is Larry. I saw the same thing in Philadelphia. It is the same exact storyline. Unfortunately for Knicks fans I don't think your story line is going to end in a trip to the finals, but I digress.

May he be well, but can't he get a fucking hobby that doesn't involve talking shit about his star player? What the fuck Larry? Are you so insecure you find it necessary to make the players on your team look bad? Do you think it makes you look better? Why not grow some balls and talk shit about a player on another team, a player that you can't cut or bench? In my opinion Larry Brown is a whiney little turd and his mere presence in the building is going to negatively impact my game watching experience.

So all you out there who think Stephon is the troublemaker stop right there. I promise you need not look any further than your head coach to see who the real problem is. Yup that's right I have seen it before in another city, and I am sure if I had lived in Detroit, Indianapolis, or any of the other countless places Brown has coached I would have seen it there. So much stigma is placed on players who have caused trouble but I think it is about time people open there eyes and see sometimes coaches are the real problem. Let's all look at Larry Brown for what he really is...a bad bad man.

4 feet 2 inches of trouble

I am super extra bored today. I didn't bring a book and there isn't much to do. Do you ever notice that when there is not much to do, it makes it hard for you to actually do the things that need to get done? I have some copies to make. Not very important copies, but copies nonetheless. Just the thought of getting up, walking over to the machine, pressing the start button, and then stapling the documents is so exhausting just to think about it makes me unable to get out of my chair. It was bad enough I had to go up to accounting this morning.

I have ANOTHER job interview on Friday and a phone interview tomorrow. I suppose I could prepare for those. I talked to Grammy (my 94 year old grandmother) and said "Hey Grammy I have another job interview next week!" Instead of the excitement I should have heard in her voice, all I got was "so many interviews and no job...never heard of that before..." Thanks Grammy, thanks a lot.

For those of you that don't know Grammy is about 4 feet 2 inches of trouble. If you don't eat at least 2 servings of whatever it is she is serving, you will live to regret it. Since she is so old and cute people just expect her to be old and cute. She does that pretty well but what people don't realize is that it is all a scam. Grammy loves to get free shit. She gets more free shit than anyone I know. Because if you are old and cute people feel bad charging you for things. People also rush to hold doors and pull out chairs. She however is much more capable than her age gives her credit for.

When she walks into a room it is like watching the seas part as people stare and point and move out of the way. "Isn't she cute?"..."Look how little that woman is!" Yeah yeah yeah we have heard it all before. Just move out of the way and get the woman a chair. Sitting is in fact much better than standing and Grammy is a pro at finding places to sit down. It tends to work out nicely for me because I hate standing as well and when you hang out with her you are almost guaranteed to get offered a seat next to her.

She is pretty slow these days but she gets there eventually. She has opted against a wheelchair and a walker but holds a cane. I say holds because although she sometimes walks with one it does more to impede her movement than assist it. She just holds it while she shuffles around. She doesn't use it to balance or support herself in any way, so I don't quite see its purpose. But hey whatever works. Although she worries about falling she isn't too concerned because as I mentioned before she is only about 4 feet off the ground. There isn't really very far for her to fall.

Anyway, hopefully I will get one of these jobs and can actually give Grammy something to be proud of!

too much responsibility

Every time Janelle gets up to go to the bathroom or the kitchen or anywhere she asks me to watch her bag(s). I have no problem watching it, its just that sometimes she is gone for like twenty minutes. I don't give a fuck if she is gone all afternoon, I just don't want to be responsible for anyone's personal possessions. She always says "yuuu guuing tu bee hur?" "Yeah I'll be here." Does that mean I am obligated to sit here and watch her bag the ENTIRE time she is gone? As I said before sometimes she can be gone for quite a while. Inevitably I forget that I am supposed to be watching her bag and end up leaving my post only to remember five minutes later that her bag was left unattended. I run back my desk and of course all nine of her bags are sitting right where she left them. Phew.

I am just really bad at remembering to do things that I find unimportant. Why doesn't she just lock her bag in her desk like everyone else. If it is so important that it needs to be watched, why not just lock it up? And yeah sure, I think I am going to be here but what if Matt needs emergency copies made? Am I supposed to lug all her crap with me? Or wait until she gets back?

I am usually on my way back from getting some chocolate chip cookies when I realize that I was supposed to be watching her bag. Then I get all nervous and run back to my desk ASAP. I am not sure if I am more afraid of her bag getting stolen or of her seeing that I am not "watching" her bag. I would hate for her to come back and realize that I don't take my responsibility seriously. I mean I don't, but we are friends and I wouldn't want her to know that.

Anyway, she hasn't caught me not watching her bag yet so I am safe on that end but I always fear that a perpetrator didn't steal the entire bag but went through and just took her wallet. Then she wouldn't even notice until she was at home or something. Then the next day she would say "Wur yu hure the whoole tim I was out on break yusturday?" I then would of course have to lie because at that point I wouldn't know her wallet had been stolen. "Yes. Of course." Then she would tell me her wallet had been stolen and that was the only point in the day that it could have happened. Great. Then I'd have to start spinning a web of lies only to do a 180 and break down with the truth.

But I wonder what she would say if she came back from and saw her shit missing, and me just chatting away on the phone. Knowing Janelle she would just blame herself. I would have to agree with that reaction because I don't really think I should be responsible for anything. Not at this stage of the game.

Well hopefully that wont happen and I will become more careful with my responsibilities. I wouldn't want the person watching my bag to go wandering the halls looking for free cookies. But then again I would never ask some to watch my bag when there is a perfectly capable drawer with a lock on it right next to my chair. Hmmmm. Interesting.

better than hitler

So a little while back this woman really pissed me off. She has a really stupid name and she is a litigator here at the firm. This is her first year so she is constantly making the rounds to partners and other attorney's looking for work. I admire her work ethic. Sort of. But she is one of those people who thinks she is better than me. Or at least better than anyone who didn't go to law school. She also talks to all the secretaries like we are five years old. She wears really ugly suits and has an unflattering haircut. All that could be forgiven if she was in any way nice and/or interesting. She is neither.

Anyway, this was before I moved downstairs and she was sitting in Jake's office talking about new cases or whatever these people do all day. The door was open and since I was in her direct line of vision and only a few feet away I find it impossible to believe that she didn't realize I could hear everything she was saying.

I forget what led up to her comment but I believe she said "I just couldn't be a secretary. It would feel awful to know that if I was out anyone could do my job." She went on talking about how it must be awful to replaceable and blah blah blah.

HELLO ASSHOLE!!!!! You are a lawyer. There are about 1,000,000 other leaches out there that are perfectly qualified to do your job. You are a lawyer, you just follow a big long list of rules and make a lot of money. You aren't curing Cancer. There are plenty of people out there who could step in should you not make it into work. Not to mention all the other associates at the firm that are just waiting for someone to call in sick so they can come to the rescue, get on the partners good side, and get all the good cases. People that have worked 18 hours a day for five years aren't missed a second after they give notice.

That is how law firms work. No one becomes too important. No one is really necessary. Every single person can be replaced by another Yale law school graduate. Everyone else in the firm can do your job. That way if people are out they don't lose any billable hours. At most places when someone is out things back up or slow down, not here. Things just get passed on for someone else to take care of.

The sooner she realizes that the sooner she can get off that high horse and realize her job is just as pointless as mine. Sure she makes more money but that hasn't helped her buy a nice personality or even nice clothes. And she even lives in Jersey City for goodness sake. At least I get to do what I want all day. At least I don't have to sleep in my office, work 80 hour weeks, and waste away my twenties stressing out about contracts. Who cares if someone else can do my job? I don't care if a piece of monkey shit sat in my chair all day and no one could tell the difference. At least I'm not fat.

I don't really know why I am thinking about this. I just am. I just wish these people would get it into their heads that people are people and they aren't any better than any other people. Except maybe hitler. They are better than hitler.

redecorating

Since when does decorating mean moving heavy files out of your office into the filing cabinets by my desk? One of the associates hasn't quite gotten it in her weasely little brain that I work for partners now. Working for partners means I don't have to do anything for anyone who I don't work for. She asked me for a rubber band once, with a little bit more attitude than I appreciated but I let it slide. Then she asked me to send something inter-office even though the little routing slip was much closer to where she was standing. I said "excuse me?" then she repeated her request, I complied. Her secretary was out to lunch and I felt bad since the attorneys really don't know how to do anything. I figured maybe she had forgotten how to circle a name and write down a room number.

But today I have reached my limit. I have to figure out a way to make this woman realize I am not here to move heavy objects on a whim because her secretary has stepped away and she is too lazy to do it herself. It was bad enough this morning she had me printing out and stapling emails because the printer isn't hooked up to Lotus Notes on her computer. Why does she need something done at the exact moment her secretary leaves her post? If she really wants those emails printed out so bad why doesn't she call the help desk and have them tell her how to hook up the printer? They will even send up an IT guy to do it for you if you ask nicely.

Just a few moments ago Janelle's sub for the day went to the bathroom. Becky, that's not her real name, but it should be. She seems like a real Becky. Except not like the nice fun Becky's we all know and love, she’s more like the obsessive compulsive controlling man hating Becky's - that we all know but don't love. Anyway, "Becky" came out of her office. She looked like a dear caught in the headlights when she realized Janelle's sub had stepped away. The thought she might actually have to do something annoying herself disappeared from her thoughts just as quickly as it had entered them. Her exact thought process probably went something like this "oh shit that deaf lady sitting in for Janelle isn't here when I want her here so this will have to wait…but I am a lawyer and I can't wait...I could do it myself...no, I'm a lawyer and I can't do anything myself...shit.............that other person's secretary is just sitting there...I'll make her do it." "Elizabeth...do you want to help me redecorate my office?"

I was a little surprised she didn't wait for the deaf lady to come back because things like decorating can always wait. At least wait long enough for this woman to get back from the bathroom. "Sure". I'm thinking who doesn't like to decorate. I should have known by the desperate, helpless, slightly evil look on her face that she had no intentions of getting me to "redecorate" her office.

Let me tell you something about "Becky" she is short. Not that that really has anything at all to do with the story but she is fairly shorter than I am so I feel like it should be mentioned. She also has a lateral lisp, which I have found charming in EVERY OTHER person I have ever met in my entire life. With her it just adds to the annoyance. That along with a pony tail that is just a wee bit too perky and really ugly shoes. Not that my shoes are so great but her budget is slightly more flexible than mine, so she has no excuse. Also her tendency to lock herself in her office and giggle and squeal uncontrollably at whatever is being said to her over the phone has gotten really old. Oh yeah and she for whatever reason finds it necessary to play a certain Oscar nominated song over and over and over and over and over and over again all day long everyday. Yeah I get it you like the song, we all like the song. But I am not five years old an I don’t need everything repeated 50 times a day to enjoy it.

When I think of redecorating I think of picking out paint colors and furniture. "Becky's" idea of redecorating involves ME moving lots of heavy things from HER office to the cabinets by my desk. Ummm. I mean drawers not cabinets. I said cabinets and she corrected me. I suppose they are more drawer-like but I didn't really see why it was necessary to point out that the files are in fact going in drawers and not cabinets. And so what if they are going in cabinets? Like I say on a fairly regular basis, if these people want anything done in an effective fairly competent way…I’m not the girl you’re looking for. She is lucky I didn’t just throw all her shit out the window.

Well the “redecorating” went fairly smoothly, at least for "Becky". I however, was not so lucky. My Manicure is officially ruined and there is a folder in the third drawer by the printer that has my blood on it. Blood from the paper cut I received "redecorating". Hmm. At least it is Friday and I wont have to do other people’s pointless dirty work until Monday morning!

lazy eye

I haven't mentioned it before, but Janelle has a lazy eye. Or maybe two lazy eyes, I can't quite tell. Either way, after almost a month I still have no idea where to look when I am talking to her. I feel really bad because I get the distinct impression that wherever I am looking is the wrong place. I like sitting next to her and don't want her to be offended by me stupidly looking in the wrong direction. I think she likes sitting next to me to. She is always singing my praises to the people who walk by and telling me how great it is to sit next to me. And how lucky she is that I was the one to move to that desk. I fear I will break her heart when I give notice. But at this rate she will have retired and gotten both lazy eyes fixed before that happens.

On top of the lazy eye(s) she has many other characteristics that stand out and surely make her like no woman you have EVER seen before. She has a contagious laugh that sort of sounds like a baboon. But more importantly she wears bright orange lipstick. And for whatever reason it sort of works on her. It isn't what you wear; it is how you wear it. And Janelle wears her lipstick not only on her lips, but also below them, and above them. The foundation she wears enhances the bags under her eyes instead of hiding them, but with her, that might be the point. And if she isn't trying to enhance them with the foundation she is certainly trying to do it with the thick black eyeliner that rims her eyes. I see no other explanation.

She is one of the old school secretaries mixed with a little new school attitude. She doesn't go out of her way like Marge and openly admits to being bored and somewhat useless. Every once in a while I hear her whisper "fuck" or "oh shit" under her breath. I would never. She spends her day emailing and sending slightly offensive forwards around the company. Since she has worked here for 20 some years she is part of the group of women that wear skirts everyday. Two feet of snow, she is in a skirt. Not just a skirt, but I really fucking tight skirt. The skirt in combination with her three-inch heels makes it almost impossible for her to walk. She walks with her knees together and a slight limp. She also really likes cats.

She has Melanie Griffith's hair cut in Working Girl except it is brown. She complemented me on my hair and was shocked to find out it wasn't a perm (who gets perms anymore?!?). She is always using the phrase “ROTFLMAO” (rolling on the floor laughing my ass off) in emails. Janelle had a bag of lifesavers in her purse yesterday and was convinced that they were the cause of her sinus problems. She is happily married and it seems like she and Tim (her husband) have a lot of fun together. They watch every reality show known to man. This year she had to cut back a little because "it was getting to be to much." And that accent. Sort of Staten Island meets Arkansas. Except she is not from, nor does she reside in either of these places.

I really like her. She has a lot of positive energy to pass around and is all for me doing the least amount of work possible to not get in trouble. Whenever I am annoyed at Sheila she backs me up 100% and makes it clear to me that it wasn't my fault. She also makes me feel like I am really good at what I do, which couldn’t be further from the truth. But it is nice to know someone thinks I do a good job. She also seems to think my social life is extremely exciting. Her language is littered with words like “awesome”, “outrageous”, and “wow!” when I discuss what I did over the weekend, which usually consists of hanging out at my apartment…or hanging out at someone else’s apartment. But hey it makes me feel exciting so I go with it. She also announces anytime she sends an email out with my name in it. "I just wanted to let you know I am telling Ann you said it was cold out at lunch." I guess she doesn't want me to think she gossips about me. But what the fuck do I care? I hope to only be sitting by Janelle for a few more months max, but they will be about as enjoyable as they can get.

a new desk

I filled out Matt's desk reimbursement form this morning. Partners at the firm are given $5,000 to buy new furniture for their offices. It is a lovely desk but I think Matt is a little self conscious about his choice because he decided against getting anything too fancy or expensive. But I guess it's all relative because he spent more on the desk than I make in a month. I just don't see the point in a desk so expensive. Who cares? No one else even goes inside his office. I respect his decision because even though others in the firm may look down upon his desk it shows me that he doesn't give a fuck.

Honestly it is all about peer pressure. When it comes down to it these lawyers are all the biggest dork from your high school who figured out early that if they made a lot of money they would be able to date pretty girls. So they got teased in high school but got really good grades. And when you get really good grades and do well on tests people think you are smart. And if you are smart you are supposed to become a lawyer. Smart = Lawyer...interesting. These guys can't even go to the bathroom without making a conference call.

So this firm is filled with men that resemble the most awkward kid in your high school. They are a little better dressed, have pretty girlfriends, and nicer apartments than anyone we know but they are also incredibly insecure. You can smell it when you walk in the building. How is it that people so insecure and so devoid of any original thought are given money, power, and respect? Not by me, but they get it. If you yell loud enough and throw enough cash at people you get pretty much whatever you want. The insecurities that you develop in 8th grade often last forever, unless you deal with it. They never got the chance to deal with anything because they were too busy being socially awkward. Some of them found their place here and have "cool" friends for the first time and developed a superiority complex and take their 8th grade embarrassments out on everyone else around them. Hence all the yelling and ordering around I face on a daily basis.

There are a few legacies roaming the halls as well. Men whose fathers are judges, state representatives, or something equally as unimportant. They of course (like our president) spent their younger years developing a cocaine addiction, drunk driving, and spending their families "hard" earned money. But it came time for them, like it does for us all, to grow up. When they looked around and realized that they have no skills or passions whatsoever they relied on daddy's golfing buddy to get them into a fancy law school.

Being a lawyer is hardly rocket science so they manage to fill the roll well enough. And even though they are an asshole they make partner because of their last name.

My theory is basically this. The awkward men are still dealing with the humiliation they suffered in 8th grade. So they are forced to go out and buy the most expensive desk or the prettiest wife to prove to everyone else they are in fact "somebody" and they do matter.

The rest of them are dealing with the humiliation that their father suffered in the 8th grade. Dad doesn't want his only son wasting his life getting high and getting in trouble, that wouldn't look right. So he gets him this law firm gig to calm him down. It is all about appearance with these people. Dad is still hurting because he got teased by some cool kid so he went out and bought everything he could afford to ensure everyone would know that he is successful. The best revenge is living well right? I don't know how well they are living since it seems to me they all develop ulcers by the time they are 40. Anyway. The son grew up rich and since he had a trophy wife for a mother he did pretty well in the looks department so he never had the insecurities his father had. He had a C average but was captain of the football team and got invited to all the cool parties. But he couldn't just live off his father's "hard" earned money forever so he went out and got a job.

Anyway I think the ones who were dorky in high school finally feel like they have made it. But when they are forced to mingle with the secure legacy lawyers they revert back to the feelings they had at 14 and decide that they need to spend thousands of dollars on things like desks and lamps. The legacy lawyers are just so used to being around fancy things the thought of buying a desk that costs less then $2,000 just seems crazy to them so they make everyone else feel bad for not spending more than the allotted $5,000.

A vicious cycle really.

I am only using the pronoun "he" because female attorneys are another story completely. Don't worry Adrienne I will get to you later :)

tuesday

I have only been sitting here for two hours but it feels like a month. I made some copies and took a few messages, that's about it. I tried to do some reading but in order to read your brain has to sort of be able to process information. I am not quite at that point yet this morning.

Boss lady is still out of the office which is nice. She doesn't really like to answer my questions. But I will keep asking them. I don't see what her problem is. I am just trying to make things easier for her. It takes a lot longer to fix something than it does to mess something up. So she should be a little more patient. I am not completely incompetent. I went to college...and I graduated. I am just extremely unqualified for this position. I have decided to take that approach. If I say a monkey could do my job, then I feel really bad about myself when I mess up. But If I pretend that I am trying to survive in the cut throat demanding profession of being a legal secretary, I don't feel so bad. I just didn't get the proper training you need to succeed in this business.

Sitting next to Janelle is really refreshing. Yeah the American Idol talk is little out of hand but at least she isn't as fucking uptight as Marge. Right now I bet Marge is up there working herself into a frenzy over nothing. She keeps saying she will try to get down and see my new desk but she just keeps getting busier and busier. Please. I think we all know she is just sitting up their raising her own blood pressure over nothing. Marge used to make me feel neglectful of my job, as if I wasn't as dedicated as I should be. Janelle on the other hand makes me feel like I am the hardest working secretary at the firm. Simply by showing up on time, and leaving only 15 minutes early everyday I have some how managed to make her think I am a hard worker.

Yesterday as I left I said I was tired. Her response? "After all yu du all day, I don't blame yu." This woman literally sits less than ten feet away from me, so how is it possible she has a completely distorted version of what I do. Perhaps she just hears me typing away on the computer and instead of assuming it is just gmail chat or me writing on my blog she thinks I am actually working? There is really no other explanation. I do rather enjoy her company. She is funny. I got a pair of BRIGHT green rain boots that I assume make me look like a five year old. But to make a long story short they are the boots I have now so I am going to wear them with pride. Janelle likes them. I believe her exact words were "tha er SOOOO yu!" If bright green rain boots with mini tennis rackets on them are so me, then well I must be pretty fucking awesome. Janelle also likes to use the word outrageous a lot. I hope it rubs off on me because I kind of like it.

I am pretty sure at this point I didn't get that job. Oh well. I feel like I would have heard by now since they were pretty sure that they wanted to make a decision by last Friday. They were only interviewing 3 or 4 people so I thought I had a decent shot. Bummer. Just going on Idealist or any of those other job websites makes me feel really bad and inadequate. Maybe there really is something wrong with me. No. I think I will just continue to think there is something wrong with them. Not getting this job was more disappointing than the previous ones because although it wasn't perfect I am MORE than qualified. So I guess the only reason they didn't pick me was because they didn't like me. But then I just ask what's not to like? I don't get it.

Watch out for that full moon eclipse tonight, anything could happen.

'merican idol

Theft is running rampant here at the firm. And not just the normal theft you expect from lawyers! Just yesterday I got a bottle of lotion stolen. I don't get it, why would you want to steal my lotion? Janelle, the new person I am sitting next to says she thinks whoever took it, took it out of spite and that if I get a replacement bottle I better keep it in my bag until the "spite" blows over. I am not sure what she thinks they could be spiteful over but she looked very serious while she was saying it so I am going to watch out.

The women around here are VERY involved in American Idol. When I say involved I don't mean they watch it every week and vote. I mean they not only watch it every week, they tape it and bring the tapes to work to share with their friends. They also spend the entire day chatting about it on the phone and over email. They print out pages and pages and pages of contestant bios and facts about the show. They are so into it that we have nothing to talk about since I don't watch it. How come they can't be obsessed with a good reality show like Top Model or Project Runway? Then we would have something in common.

I have nothing against American Idol. I love Kelly Clarkson as much as the next guy but when you need to send out emails to all your friends asking them to not include you in the American Idol discussion today because you have copies to make, I think it has gone too far. Everyday Janelle asks me if I am going to watch it later on that evening. I always say something like "well, i'm busy tonight but if i get a chance..." That is the best thing to say to shut her up. "Oh grayate bekos than weee wood hev sumthing tu talk abouut taaamaro" (That is sort of what she talks like). Twice this week, TWICE, after saying I wasn't planning on watching "Idol" Janelle has told random passersby that "Elizebeth plens un tring tu get intu Merican Idol!" (I still don't get her accent. She is from Pennsylvania, and so am I, so I don't understand why she talks like that. Perhaps just a speech impediment?) I refuse to watch "Mercian Idol", partly because the show is slightly annoying, and partly just out of spite. Not the kind of spite that makes you steal lotion, but spite nonetheless.

I just can't stand the thought of actually having something to contribute to these mindless conversations about how rude Simon is or how Paula is acting weird. I don't care if the person who got voted off went to your granddaughters high school, nor do I care if "Ace" has the most amazing eyes you have ever seen. There are a lot of things I don't care about but with every day that this "competition" goes on, American Idol is moving at am alarming rate to the top of the list.

Knock on wood but it has been a whole 24 hours since I have been reprimanded by Sheila. Yesterday morning it was because of some documents that were charged to the wrong number. Here at law firms you can't even go to lunch without trying to find some way to charge a client for it. I sort of have the policy that I only charge the client when I am actually doing work. Seems fair. Well there were a bunch of documents from a bunch of different deals, and a bunch of junk mail that I was supposed to send out.

Being the idiot that I am I assumed that since it was more than one case, and many of the materials included were not related to any case at all I should use the charge we use for general office administration. Apparently that was a mistake. It was all supposed to be charged to some company. How the fuck was I supposed to know? She sent me an email to correct the mistake, and then she called to make sure I was very clear on the fact that I made a mistake. I am kind of sick of having every single tiny mistake I make pointed out a thousand times. How am I supposed to know that I should go around charging people for things they shouldn't be charged for. Maybe that is what they teach in law school? Because they certainly don't teach anything about kindness and human decency. Sure it was a big huge company that probably does evil things and can afford it, but two wrongs don't make a right.

Anyway I am still waiting to hear about that job and I really see no reason why I shouldn't get it.

i don't care about youre children

How come when people talk about their children they ALWAYS say "2 going on 21... hahaha". I for once would like someone to say "yeah, my kid is two and she acts like a fucking two year old". Or perhaps since all two year olds for whatever reason seem to act like they are 21 maybe that is just how two year olds act and people should stop making the comparison. Either way I am just sick of hearing about these people's children and grandchildren. I love kids as much as the next guy but if I am going to sit through a ten minute long story about how your kid taught some little Jewish boy the song of the cross or whatever the fuck it is called, I should at very least have some investment in this child.

If I don't know your name why the fuck would I want to know about your kid? I only like hearing stories about kids who are some how involved in my life (e.g. Jose and Seamus). I don't care if she got a Cinderella cake at home AND at school. You didn't bring me a piece. And if your daughter that I have never met and didn't even know existed is pregnant...well that is really wonderful for your family, but to me it is just extra information that is now needlessly floating around in my head. If someone said something mean to your kid on the playground, I am really sorry, but she should just get used to it because middle school can be rough and she might as well learn to suck it up now. All this is information that is now taking up space in my brain would be better used for something more important, or perhaps nothing at all.

If I don't know your name...I don't want to hear about your family. I don't think that is so much to ask. Maybe it sounds insensitive but why would stories about some random toddler that may or may not actually resemble a 21 year old interest me in the slightest.

Just a quick update for everyone: Job interview #9 this afternoon. I really think I am going to get this one. Really. So send good thoughts around 4:30.

The boss lady is "working" from home. Which is more stressful for me than you can possibly imagine. Every time the phone rings I have a mini panic attack because I am afraid it is her. But one of the nice things about her not being here is that I don't have to hear her speak poorly about me very loudly on the phone with the door open. That was fun.

She has the remarkable talent of being able to express anger, disappointment, and annoyance over email. Her use of BOLD and CAPITAL LETTERS makes everything very clear. Oh you want me to print out the last THREE pages and FAX them at 1:00. Ok I get it. You think I am stupid. And you also think my stupidity can be remedied by throwing in some extra font changes. Sorry Sheila, but as I am sure I will prove to you later this afternoon around 1:00 when I fax the wrong THREE pages of that document no matter how big the font or how bold the text, whatever it is that you think is wrong with me can't be fixed. I'm fine with it so maybe you should just fucking deal.

so i finally figured out what that buzzing was

You probably haven't heard me mention it because I thought it was another sign that I was going crazy. Well partners have the option to buzz their secretary. I knew this buzzer existed but I never imagined anyone would actually buzz me and expect me to respond. After hearing buzzing on and off for the last couple days I finally looked in the direction of the buzz and saw one of my bosses names flashing on my phone screen. Well I put 1 & 2 together and figured out that it meant he wanted me to go into his office. I just feel bad for all those buzzes I ignored by accident. But I don't feel too bad. I think the whole idea of buzzing is kind of rude. Better than screaming yes, but my preferred method of communication is email. But he can buzz me all he wants, especially today. I am in a good (better) mood than usual. I have another interview next Tuesday! I told you people, I have a feeling.

she's like...evil

So my new boss, let's just call her...evil...ok ok I'll give her a real name - Sheila. Well, Sheila has made it pretty clear she thinks I am doing a sub-par job. In fact I think her exact words were "not good". But what can I say? I didn't go to Katherine Gibbs and I have never received any training whatsoever as to how to be a secretary. Not that I am trying to make excuses but this is basically on the job training. I am surprised they even gave me the job, nothing in my experience or educational background ever pointed to this type of work.

There are a lot of things I need to work on. Mainly my attitude problem. I think I will just stand in front of the mirror and practice smiling and saying "I'm sorry." They like it when you apologize, especially for things that aren't your fault. I am also really bad at printing out attachments to emails. This is not a skill I even knew someone could be bad at. It isn't as easy as you think. Everything has to be stapled and clipped correctly or apparently the document becomes COMPLETELY USELESS!

Sheila's office is directly opposite my desk. So when I look up from my computer she in my direct line of vision. Wonderful. Since she can see me, she has taken to SCREAMING my name when she wants my attention. There is a buzzer, an intercom, LanTalk, Email - but with all the technology she finds the most effective way to get my attention is by screaming. "ELIZABETH!" It feels worse than when my mom screamed my name when I was in trouble. And at least my mother loves me so there is only so much damage she could do. God only knows what is going to happen once I enter Sheila's office.

I think she might be slightly bi-polar. One second she is rattling off orders like we are in Nazi Germany and the next she is nice as pie. The sad thing is Sheila and I would probably get along if we met under different circumstances. I think she is kind of funny. I also sort of like the fact that she is mean. I just wish I wasn't the one she was being mean to. I also like the fact that she always gets what she wants. I respect that and strive for it myself. I just rather she take the nice approach to getting what she wants. She is very moody, like even moodier than I am, so we can relate.

The sense of entitlement these people have just blows my mind. How hard is it to understand that if you want a conference room, you need to reserve it. So she sent me down the hall to check and see if a room was available. I opened the door and interrupted some type of lawyer meeting. Oops. I close the door and report back to her "there are people in there." "Who are they?!?!" "I don't know I have never seen them before." "Well what are they doing in there? They aren't supposed to be in there. Who are they?" "I am not sure...they are meeting. I have never seen them before." "Who are they?" "I don't know. Would you just like me to tell them you need the room in 15 minutes? "Yes...unless they are partners. Are they partners?" "I don't think so." "Tell them I need it."

So I wander back to the conference room very confident ready to kick some people out. Apparently they aren't supposed to be there, so I will tell them. There is a certain status that comes with being a secretary to a partner everyone knows is crazy. People just assume whatever it is I am doing is because she told me to and they sort of have to let me do it or they will hear about it later. People get out of my way when I need to make copies or send faxes. They don't waste any time when I ask for something to be delivered. I am like a minor celebrity. "oh you work for her?....how is that?...what's she like?...are you busy?" "yes...good...nice...very" Being the loyal secretary I am I never tell people the truth..."unfortunately...awful...crazy...nope".

Anyway back to the conference room. I was going to go with "You guys are going to have to leave. Sheila needs this conference room in 15 minutes". But as I opened the door and saw all the eyes fall on me once again I got a little nervous and just went with "how long are you guys gonna to be in here?" Then some lady who I wasn't even talking to announced that the conference room had been reserved for quite some time and asked "is there a conflict?". Well excuse me lady who I have never seen before and was not talking to and is certainly not a partner "Yes, I think there is a conflict, I need the room in 15 minutes." Doesn't she know who I work for? I could make her pathetic associate existence even more miserable. Sure I am a secretary and I don't really matter, but my boss matters. I certainly doubt she would have taken that tone with Sheila, so there was no need for her to take it with me.

But as I said before I really think a new job is around the corner. Oh it will be so fun to quit, I can't wait!