the trade

Well I have been biting my tongue for the last week or so. But I just can’t take it anymore. Please stop reading if you have any problem with profanity laced tirades. You’ve been warned…

We are going to skip right over the Eagles for a second and spend some time talking about the most pathetic excuse for a basketball team the NBA has ever seen. Honestly though I think pathetic is too nice of a word to use when describing the Sixers. Abominable, sickening, dreadful are much better descriptive words. Even those fail to capture the true disgrace this team has brought to the city of Philadelphia. And when I say team I don’t mean Samuel Dalembert, Andre Iquodala or even Chris Webber…I am talking about Billy King and Ed FUCKING Snider. What the fuck is wrong with the two of them? Honestly? What’s wrong with them? I for one have been trying to figure it out for years but the events that have taken place over the last two weeks have left me completely incapable of believing that they are actually human. Were they born without brains? Are they trying to ruin the Sixers? Are they specifically coming up with ways to get them to lose? Is this the basketball version of Major League? What other reason could there be? I can’t imagine someone being this bad at their job by accident. No one is that incompetent.

My affinity towards Allen Iverson is no secret, so I wont even try to remain unbiased. How the fuck do you trade away your best player, MVP, scoring champion…need I really continue? Who the fuck wants to watch a Sixers game now? Not me. In fact I am going to specifically NOT watch Sixers games because he doesn’t play there anymore. At least not for a while. At least not until I can get this taste out of my mouth. It’s just unbelievable. Unbelievable. I know they say he demanded to be traded, but please give me a fucking break. They drove him to it. They made him ask to be traded, if he even did because I don’t really believe it. Fucking Billy King. I don’t know how but I’m sure Larry Brown had something to do with this whole mess. This has Larry Brown written all over it. He was always messing things up for Allen. Shit talking and causing problems. This is all Larry Brown’s fault I just know it!

They have treated Allen like shit for the last few years and all he has done is win games and fill seats. Sorry but I am not going to spend $50 to watch Kyle Korver. Allen has been nothing but a stand up guy and look how they treat him. I can’t even believe this. At least he was sent to a team that I can cheer for. I can’t believe this. It is so totally out of my realm of comprehension. Even Grammy likes Allen Iverson. Maybe when I wake up in the morning it will have all been a dream. Maybe I will transport back to June 2001 and I will be getting ready to join my fellow Pennsylvanians on Broad Street for a Championship parade. And maybe Allen will be getting the respect he deserves but never receives. A girl can dream can’t she?

I can’t even write anymore. I have managed to get all worked up. Unbelievable. Well Allen if you are reading, I’ll miss you and I wish you the best. You certainly aren’t going to win anything in Philadelphia. Thanks for the memories!!!!

dentist

Dental care is so underrated. Everyone should go to the dentist. You'll thank me later.

working and water stains

So I sort of realized the thing about having a job is the fact that I have to work. Yeah yeah we all know I like my new job but lets be honest, sleeping in and watching soap operas while sitting on piles of money would probably be just as, if not more satisfying. The days go by faster – although I am not quite sure if that is a good thing – and they even have a water cooler at my new office. That really takes the cake. Seriously, at my billion-dollar law firm they made us drink from the tap! I don’t know what kind of operation they were running but they certainly didn’t know how to treat their employees. Although I am sure I am screwing things up at my new job that I don’t even know that I am screwing up I really am trying to do a good job. I really hope they like me.

I just need a vacation. Although to be honest I need a vacation from life more than I need a vacation from work. I especially need a vacation from where my office is located. Jesus fucking Christ the tourists are everywhere. I go out for lunch literally across the street and it takes me at least twenty minutes to get there and back because some high school from Arkansas decided to take a fucking field trip to New York. To see what? Buy a fucking post card. Tall buildings, honking cars, cabs, flashy lights, that’s all there really is to it. I don’t know why people have to stop in the middle of the sidewalk to take a picture. Or ride around in those tourist buses looking down at us like we are in some sort of science experiment. It is too damn hot to have all these people with fanny packs and cameras blocking my way. I try to be polite but they are just so damn annoying.

Last week in fact some 10-year-old asshole on vacation spilled his water all over me and I didn’t even get an apology. All I heard was his mom in the background saying “good job…it’s just water it wont stain.” What the fuck is that all about? Just because it is water and wont stain doesn’t mean your 10-year-old juvenile delinquent son shouldn’t apologize to me. That is what’s wrong with this country. What kind of way is that to raise a child? Letting him spill things all over people and not saying you’re sorry. Absurd. Ya know what’s gonna happen now? The only thing that kid is going to learn from his fancy vacation to NYC is that it is ok to spill things on people. He will go back to whatever small town he is from and start spilling water all over everyone and not even think twice about it. “Its just water…it wont stain.” Well that doesn’t make it ok because next thing you know it isn’t water anymore, it’s grape soda and not far after that he will be robbing liquor stores and selling drugs to his elementary school classmates. All because his poor excuse for a mother didn’t firmly instruct him to apologize to the nice young lady that he spilled his water on. It is a slippery slope people and if you let your kids get away with murder when they are younger they will end up doing lines of coke on the playground after school.

He will probably also get really really fat because everyone in this country gets really fat and since I have had a glimpse at his mothers parenting skills I can almost assure you that that kid eats a Big Mac with bacon at least three times a week. So he will be fat and on drugs and in jail all because he never learned to say “I’m sorry” or “excuse me for carelessly and thoughtlessly pouring an entire cup of water on you for no apparent reason except for the fact that I am a complete idiot and I haven’t quite developed my motor skills yet, please forgive me, have a nice day.”

And what if it did stain? How do they know what kind of material I was wearing? There are in fact fabrics that can be stained by water. She doesn’t know my dress was made out of cotton. What if I had been wearing a very expensive non-natural fabric that now had an enormous water stain on the back? People shouldn’t be so quick to let their children go around spilling water all over everything. What if I were allergic to water? What if the water he spilled created an enormous puddle and some poor 85-year-old woman with a walker slipped on it? There are a thousand and one different what ifs and they all end with me being very annoyed at this woman who lets her child spill water all over everything. She probably lets him drink beer and have a drag off her cigarettes every once in while. That is if she is ever even home with the poor child who probably spilled the water on me as a last ditch effort to get some kind of attention from his porn-star mother. My god.

Well I hope you have all learned a little lesson. Once you have kids make them apologize when they do rude things to strangers.

america is so fucking fat

America is so fucking fat it’s like disgusting. I took a little vacay over the weekend and found myself in some sort of leper colony. No joke. Any when I say fat its not just me being overly critical and shallow. We ate at one of those chain breakfast restaurants were I ingested about twice the recommended daily caloric intake before noon. They have so much food at this place that they have fat tables. You know how larger people always complain about chairs that have arms on them, ya know because they can’t fit. Well none of the chairs in this restaurant had arms. Erin said when she was in Jamaica everyone thought she was from Europe because she was so skinny. Well Erin isn’t from Europe and I want to tell everyone out there that not all Americans are fat. Most of us are but not all of us. I’m too shallow to ever be fat but I suppose other people just don’t care about those kinds of things. Ok I should say I don’t hate fat people and I am not prejudice against them or anything. Just eat a salad and take a fucking walk

yeah its been a while

Hello all! It’s been a while and I have been up to a lot. Too much to actually write down. I am still alive and kicking. Lots of new changes. Since I last wrote I have left the continent, started a new job, and gotten a new roommate. Things are great really great. And instead of being happy for me a few people were simply worried that I would be too happy to write anything interesting. But I assure you there is always tons of crap to bitch about. My new job has kept me on my toes. It really is crazy going to work and having A LOT of things to do. Actual work. Like I do things…everyday…all day. It isn’t as bad as you would imagine.

I just hope they like me as much as I like them. Having a job I like means that I have a job I don’t want to get fired from. So I seemed to have developed an irrational fear about getting fired. Or maybe it isn’t irrational and that is what worries me. Rob always says it is harder than you think to fire someone. But Rob has never been my boss. I thought I did a bad job because I didn't like my job, now I know I do a bad job because I am just bad at things. But enough about me.

The new job is great but there are still some things that manage to piss me off. Here they are:

Couriers that ask me for directions. What the fuck? This happens more than you would think. The conversation goes something like this “going to Myrtle Ave?” “yeah that’s where it’s going”. “do you know how to get there?” No I don’t know how to get there. It isn’t my job to know HOW to get there. It is my job to look up the address and write it on a label. It is YOUR job to know how to get there. I have map quested more directions to random places in Brooklyn in the last six weeks than I care to admit. Do I know how to get there? Clearly these people don’t know who they are talking to. I can barely find my way to and from work everyday. Can I give you directions to Brooklyn? Please.

People who write their address on a form and leave off their zip code. Ok sure we all live in the same city and you would think a NY, NY would be enough. Well Some people actually use the information on the forms you fill out to mail you things. Duh! Just because we all live in the same big city doesn’t mean we share the same zip code. There is 10006, 10036, 10018, 10022 I could go on and on. I might know these numbers but I don’t know which address matches with each number unless I look it up on the internet. Since I have the slowest computer known to man, that takes about ten minutes. So why don’t you do me a favor and write down your fucking zip code so I don’t have to look it up.

Oh and this doesn’t have anything to do with work but it still pisses me off. I am convinced that men design products specifically so they are harder for women to use just so we have a reason to keep them around. Do air conditioners really need to be that heavy? I don’t think so. And how come smoke detectors and light bulbs always have to be so high? And those fucking Poland Spring water cooler things. Like there is no better way to get cold water to come out of that thing then by being forced to pick up a 5 ton bottle of water. And like they can’t come up with mousetraps that completely vaporize the mouse upon contact so you don’t have to see it squirming around. And why does everything have to be so heavy. It is 2006!!! My god. I think men are just afraid that if they don’t have manly jobs to do then we will get rid of them. Well you all shouldn’t be so insecure, we might decide to keep you around on your own merit completely independent of the fact that you are good for manual labor.

Well that’s all for now. I will try to keep this up but it might take a while to get back into the swing of things. Working all day leaves little time for playing on the internet and writing on my blog. Oh well!

my last day

Well it is finally here. My last day at the firm. My goodness how time flies. Well actually in this case time did not fly. I suppose it is due to the fact that I wasn't "having fun". But whatever the reason is I have felt every single waking moment I have spent sitting in this office. I don't feel the relief that I was anticipating feeling, perhaps that is because I haven't been able to break things or curse people out. I think it is impossible for me to inflict the kind of pain on the firm that they inflicted on me, so why bother? I read something somewhere once that said long, boring, miserable days were a positive thing, that way life doesn't slip by. So I guess I will just tell myself that as I try to ignore the fact that I wasted oh sooooooo many hours here doing nothing.

Although I am EXTREMELY excited to be getting the fuck out of here I have done some thinking today and it isn't all that bad.

so below is a list of things I will miss:

1. Janelle

2. Free cookies at 10:00am and 3:00pm in the kitchen.

3. Getting hung up on. Although I think it is very rude to hang up on a person and slam the phone down in their ear, it is just slightly less annoying than having to readjust in my seat and take a message. I assume that deranged people wont be calling and hanging up on me at my new job which means I will have to do more taking messages or god forbid answering their questions myself.

4. Lack of dignity. Yes it might seem like a very odd thing to miss but when you are treated like shit is gives you perspective, it makes you realize how unimportant most people who think they are important are. I hope I don't forget that.

5. Christmas bonus. I don't think that needs any explanation.

Yeah, that is probably about it. But I really will miss those cookies. Anyway I am almost done being stressed out about everything in life and in about 48 hours I will be flying the friendly skies. I don't even think there is anything left for me to worry about. Well that's not true, but I will worry about that when I get back.

happy hour...happy lunch

Well I'm drunk. Yeah that's right. Happy hour moved up a couple of hours. Janelle took me out for a good-bye lunch/drinks. She is a bad influence on me if I ever had one. A couple of glasses of wine later and I am staring at my computer praying the phone doesn't ring. I guess it isn't too different then what i am normally doing, but I don't even like wine. I don't ever drink in the middle of the day. Quite an interesting experience. Since it is a time no one expects you to be drinking no one treats you like you are drunk. Its like they expect me to act all normal or something. Navigating this here keyboard isn't as easy as it usually is either. Both of my bosses are out today so it makes it nice and easy to just do nothing. Also since tomorrow is my last day I don't have to worry about getting fired.

I was going to bitch about how long and boring jury duty was yesterday but who really cares? Let me just say one thing. The random sampling of the Brooklyn population that was present at the Jay street court house yesterday was really quite something...that is all I am going to say.

Whoever sat at my desk sure did a good job of cleaning it up. Which is nice I guess, except for the fact that it is my desk and if I want to keep it messy whoever sits here should just fucking deal with the mess. It isn't like I have piles of dirt or cockroaches on my desk, just some unfiled papers. And how do they know that they are unfiled. Perhaps I have a very complex filing system that is just too advanced for them to understand? I mean hello? You don't just sit at someone else's desk and rearrange their files. Sure I have no actual method for why anything ends up where, but they don't know that.

That blond paralegal is still pissing me off, and she also pisses Janelle off, which pisses me off even more, because Janelle is the nicest person I have ever met, so how could you be mean to her? I just don't get these people.

Anyway that's all I have to say for now, perhaps I will go into the empty office on my floor and take a nap. I can't believe it is only 3:15. I don't even like wine. I also have a SERIOUS case of hiccups. But this might be the last you hear of me for a while since I will be on a nice little vaca for a couple of weeks. Of course this might be the last you hear of me ever if I get kidnapped by crazy people. Anyway you will hear all about my trip when I get back!

three and a half days left

Matt is gone tomorrow and Thursday for work related business so it sure does seem like it will be a nice quiet last couple of days here. Janelle and I are going to take a nice loooooong lunch tomorrow to celebrate. I might even have a drink or two. That is of course if I am actually here. I might have to go to jury duty tomorrow. I guess if I had any faith whatsoever in the criminal justice system it wouldn't be so bad. I just don't really believe in putting people in prison. Unless they are rapists or child molesters. But then again rapists and child molesters deserve a fate far worse than prison...not the death penalty because I don't believe in that, but I am sure I could think of something.

Anyway, I am trying to think of things to say to get out of it should I be called forth to carry out my civic duty. I guess I could tell them that my Mars is in Libra and I don't think that that is conducive to making any kind of decision about anything especially one that involves someone else's life. I could tell them that I would be more than willing to serve on a jury as long as they are comfortable with the fact that I could never convict someone. Unless maybe if they had videotape of him/her committing the crime...but even then I would still feel a little uncomfortable saying guilty. I mean who am I to judge.

I could just say I don't believe in prison and I have no faith in a system that is racist and classist. I think that is what I will say. Had I not planned a European vacation for next week I probably would have said anything I could say to get ON the jury and then done my best to sabotage the entire operation. Oh my. Let's just all hope that when I call in tonight they will tell me not to report. With both bosses gone it seems like a pre-vacation vacation right here in the office the next two days so why spoil that by going to jury duty?

I saw some special on MSNBC investigates or something the other day about San Quentin State Prison and I was truly appalled that we allow people to live like that. As Caitlyn likes to say...we put people in cages...literally. It just doesn't make sense to me. "But they're murderers!" Ah who gives a fuck. If you think about it we are all at this very moment probably doing something to contribute to the death of another individual. And our society condones killing all the time. The government is allowed to kill terrorists, criminals, and pretty much whoever else they want. Not that I am condoning murder, I just think that we need to look at what is really behind all this "keep the streets safe" bullshit. Any guesses? $$$$$$

One other tidbit of interesting information. This I learned at one of my many job interviews over the past year:

"The Louisiana State Penitentiary at Angola is one of the largest and most notorious maximum security prisons in the country. Nicknamed "the Farm," it is a working agricultural complex that utilizes cheap prisoner labor (wages range between 4 cents and 20 cents per hour) for traditional agriculture production and light industry. The penitentiary occupies 18,000 acres of the prime farm land that was once a 19th century plantation--the Angola Plantation--named after the area in Africa that supplied most of the plantation's slave labor."

Um, hello people...wake up and smell the roses. Prison...Slavery...Prison...Slavery. It's not that hard to figure out. I wont get into the whole long explanation of it here because you should already know by now. Just google it or something if you don't. Perhaps if I get called in for jury duty I should print out a bunch of information about the Prison Industrial Complex and how big business profits off of prisons. Contaminate the jury pool, that's what I'll do. But you do really have to be careful what you say about these kinds of things. Next thing you know you have people calling you a communist/terrorist and off with your head.

Well I am just going to spend the next hour or so finishing up my book and trying not to get too upset about the 2 million or so people locked up behind bars right now in this country that are innocent, or probably should be in rehab instead, or at the very least didn't have proper legal representation. Oh see there I go getting upset again.

i can't wait to leave this place

These fuckers are trying to screw me over. So I gave my notice and said my last day would be May 12th. Which is sort of true. My last day in the office will be next Friday but I had already put in for vacation so I plan on getting paid for it. Well apparently I haven't "earned" all my vacation days for the year yet...allocated quarterly....blah blah blah. Bull shit. By my records sitting here staring at a computer screen getting yelled at by fat ugly impotent men pretty much has earned me whatever the fuck I want. I wont explain the whole long boring story but it goes something like this:

Big multi-million dollar law firm tries to screw over little old me for a couple hundred bucks. We aren't even talking thousands here people. But what they didn't realize is that I'm not stupid. So worst case scenario they continue trying to screw me over and I come down with some kind of illness that by chance should force me to call in sick for my entire last week at work. Sick days you see, aren't allocated quarterly. I mean I guess I can understand why they wouldn't want to pay me but as I stated before this is a multi-MILLION dollar law firm. So what the fuck?

I told everyone what I was leaving to do, and they think I am some kind of saint. Like they have never heard the words Non and Profit used together in the same sentence. "Oh wow, that is really wonderful." "You will feel so fulfilled." Is it really so wonderful though? It isn't like I will be donating kidneys to people. I am just going to work in an office that doesn't lie, cheat, and steal from people in order to make money. That doesn't seem "wonderful", that just sort of seems like the way things should be.

They all got a bewildered look on their face when the words NON-PROFIT spilled out of my mouth. Looking at me like they wanted to say "wow, I have heard of those before, but I just didn't think they really existed...or that anyone would want to work for one. When you say non-profit, does that mean that you don't make any profit? Wait, you must make some profit right? They got someone over there cooking the books so it looks all non-profit like but you are really racking in a pretty penny...right? No? Really? Hey Doug get in here...listen to this...Elizabeth is going to work for a NON-profit...they don't make a profit...I'll be damned..." I think it also threw them off a little since the name of the organization has the word Free in it. Non-profit...Free. I think I might have just blown their minds.

I am trying to see how much damage I can do before I leave. I think I may have put the copier out of commission yesterday. Next Monday...the printer. The copier was a piece of crap anyway. I didn't do it on purpose or anything. So I finish my copies and I go to press the "complete" button and I get this unbelievably strong electric shock. Ouch. You wouldn't think that would effect anything but right after that the display screen started blinking and saying a bunch of crap I have never seen before. I just ignored it. I figure someone who cares will call to have it fixed. And maybe, just maybe I can make it through next week without having to make a copy.

Besides the pens and notebooks that accidentally have found their way back to my apartment I am trying to figure out what else can accidentally fall into my bag. They don't have anything too good around here. The three hole punch is virtually useless and who needs a stapler? I suppose an extra pair of scissors never hurt anyone. But I think I should just draw the line at pens. I really do think stealing is wrong, even if it is from really rich people.

I however have no problem with killing plants. Ok if I put it that way "killing plants" then I feel bad. I wouldn't want people out there to think I don't value life. Because I do...I value it a lot. So the fancy plant in my bosses office has officially died. Well not completely, but one of the flowers fell off and the other one is completely shriveled up. Oops I tried. I even looked up directions on the internet about how to take care of it. But that didn't help. I don't know anything about plants.

Maybe if she had even been a little bit nice I would have asked specific instructions. It was bad enough I had to go all the way down to the kitchen to fill up that stupid water can. But as I said to Janelle this morning, good thing I'm outta here. Hopefully she will forget that it was absolutely thriving when she left the office. But these plants are very particular, which would be fine with me if they were self-sufficient. But no, they can't do a damn thing on their own so I was left to try and decide when to water them and how much water they needed. Well I really suck at that so next time someone asks me to water their plants I will make it very clear that there is a 75% chance the plant will be 100% dead when they return. I just can't worry about these kinds of things anymore.

resignation letter

It has been quite the stressful week. But to make a long story short I had two job offers and I have accepted one. I will give my notice tomorrow and when I get back from my European vacation I will have a new job! I start May 15^th. I am very excited. I can hardly believe I actually got a job. And they actually sounded excited to have me work there. I don’t know if I can really trust an organization that would put me in charge of anything. I figure even if the job ends up being completely terrible I wont have that figured out for at least another three months. I wonder what I will do with all the extra hours in the day I spent sending out resumes. I guess I can spend that time reading, paying bills, playing on the internet, and writing my friends emails…ya know all the stuff I do while I am at work. I can’t wait to give my resignation letter.

How about this:

To Whom It May Concern:

Please accept this letter as my formal notice of resignation. Effective 5/12/06. The associations I've made during my employment here will truly be memorable for years to come. I cannot imagine working at another place that would make me feel so worthless, expendable, and humiliated. I don’t think I will ever be able to forget the experience of getting yelled at by strangers and by people that I don’t even work for.

This firm will surely stand out in my mind in the years to come. I hope this notice is sufficient for you to find a replacement for me. Although it shouldn’t be too hard for you to find someone to sit and stare all day. I can’t imagine how I would be needed to train a replacement or tie up any loose ends so I think you should be good to go. In fact if you would prefer today can be my last day so let me know if that makes it easier for you. I’m outta here fuckers,

Elizabeth Thomas

The only bad thing about working for a non-profit is I will feel guilty stealing office supplies. I suppose in the next week I should fill up on pens and notepads, not to mention those awesome mechanical pencils.

But I am happy to be starting a new chapter. Oh yeah thanks to everyone for listening to me bitch and moan all the time.

paralegals sucks

This paralegal at work has been giving me trouble. Not big trouble, just enough trouble for me to give her a dirty look after she has turned around. She is blond. I'm just putting it out there. You can do whatever you choose with the information. I haven't had much contact with her except she used to work a lot with my old boss, Andy. I think Andy liked me better than he liked her and that is where all this negativity stems from.

She gives me dirty looks in the kitchen and doesn't say excuse me when she brushes past me. Sure I give her dirty looks too but not until she has turned around. And I don't say excuse me either but that is only in retaliation for her rudeness. It all started when I moved to this floor. Her office is right around the corner from my desk. She has an extremely annoying voice. Sometimes I have to hear her laugh or say something stupid and I don't like it. She has a very unfortunate looking pointy nose. Like really pointy. She also likes to talk a lot about things she knows nothing about. Like taxes for example. I know absolutely nothing about taxes, so when someone says something about them that I might say, I know they are pulling it out of their ass.

I don't know what her problem is. She is a paralegal, come on give me a break. A Paralegal. Also it is hard to take her seriously because of her name. Not that there is anything wrong with her name, it just also happens to be the name of Nate's hyper-active golden retriever.

Oh I guess I should just let everyone know...I wont have to be dealing with any of this for much longer because I got a job. I know I know, very exciting. It only took a year and a half but hey, good things come to those who wait...right? But you will hear MUCH more about that later, now I must go.

on the phone

I wonder if Matt has noticed that I only bring things into his office when he is on the phone. For example if a package comes, even if marked "RUSH", I don't take it into his office until he has gotten back on the phone. If he asks me to make a copy, I make the copy then sit at my desk, stare at the phone, and wait for him to pick up his line and start talking. Why you ask? Because if I go in there when he is on the phone the chance of him giving me more work to do decreases significantly. The chances of idle chit chat are about zero.

I just place whatever it is on his desk and turn around before he gets a chance to tell me to "wait one sec". But every once in a while I knock some stuff over on his desk and in the extra second or two I spend returning things to their original spot in the pile he comes up with some kind of annoying task for me. I suppose it is my job but I like the arrangement we have. I do nothing, and he doesn't seem to mind.

My system usually keeps me without much to do, which I don't mind, the only problems occur when it is really quiet in the office. Like today for example, it seems everyone has decided to take the day off, or "work from home", so the phones have been quiet. Usually that just gives me extra time to read my book and play on the internet. But it gets annoying when I have something to bring into him. Do I take it in and take the chance that he will have something waiting for me? Do I take the chance that I will have to talk about how my weekend was and how his weekend was? Or do I just wait until someone calls?

It is bad enough I already know I have to make a trip to accounting and copy some crap this afternoon, the thought of anything more than that is just too much to handle. So I wait. Hoping one of the annoying partners will call and keep him on the phone long enough for me to sneak in and out of his office. The phone is bound to ring eventually. The worst is when I go in there because I see he is on the phone, just to find out when I walk into his office that he has already hung up. That's a real bummer.

Unfortunately today I have to request some pretty heavy vacation time, not to mention the fact that I have to take off for jury duty next week, and have missed lots of days for "appointments". He is probably starting to question my dedication to the job. But my vacation time has already been approved by the people that matter, so its not like he can say no or anything.

The excitement of Gmail chat has faded slightly so work is pretty boring these days. Although I am about to quit. Even though I really hate it here I feel a twinge of guilt at the thought of quitting. I am not quite sure why. If they hated me as much as I hated them, they wouldn't feel bad about firing me at all.

my life is in shambles

Sure I'm not Barry Bonds, but I have problems too. Where to begin?

1. Well my job still sucks. But I am ok with that now. I just have to live with the fact that I am ruining my life and all I do is make one mistake after another and three years after graduating college I have made pretty much no progress whatsoever. I have another interview for another dead end job tomorrow so perhaps that will bring some positive change my way. I am just so fucking sick and tired of talking about how I would be a valuable asset to some organization that I don't even believe in. At my interview last week, the little pricks didn't even shake my hand. What the fuck? How unprofessional is that? Do I look dirty or something?

I have been to enough interviews to know when people don't know how to give an interview. And these people didn't know what they were doing. By the time I left I felt like I had just been through some kind of attack. Like an interrogation from the war crimes tribunal or something. So this guy quoted my cover letter and asked me to explain what I meant. What do you mean, what did I mean? Um...it is in English. It means what is says. Then he asked to describe my typical day. After I finished lying he looked at me and said "well could you define what that means?" Define what that means? Define? What are you fucking stupid? You want a dictionary? Not only did I just tell you in very clear terms what it is I do (or at least what I say I do) it is all written down on my resume. The very resume you are holding and flipping through, and quoting. Yes he quoted my resume as well and asked me to define that too. He asked me to define about 15 things while I was in there. How about I "define" asshole...loser...pretentious douche bag...I can do that.

I also hate it when they ask me what the most difficult part of my job is. I can't very well say "well, my job is actually so easy a well trained rodent could do it. But its like really hard for me to get up in the morning, so that's what makes it tough." Why do they care about the most difficult part of the job I am quitting? People are so stupid. Then he asked me why I was interested in social justice. Why the fuck not? I'm sorry that is the stupidest question I have heard so far. "Actually I am not in favor of social justice at all, in fact I'm against it. I am for social/racial/economic INEQUALITY." Then the woman in the interview made some crack about my college. Fuck you. You knew where I went to school before I got here, so what's the problem? Clearly since you have the job I want your college did a much better job of teaching you how to be a productive member of society. I'll give you that but it also did a better job of teaching you how to be a raving bitch.

Can't wait to see what tomorrow's interview will bring. I just don't understand what they want. What I am supposed to say to make them know I am capable? I just don't get it. What do I need? More education? More experience? In what? For what? I don't get it. How much experience do you need to be an assistant? All an assistant does is assist someone else in doing their job. Maybe I am not as smart and capable as I think I am? My parents always told me how great I was. I should never have listened to them, they don't know what they are talking about.

2. I am also in the process of finding a new roommate. The whole thing just makes me want to pack up and skip town. Signing another lease seems like too much of a commitment for me right now. A whole year! That is craziness. How am I supposed to be able to decide now where I want to live for a whole YEAR!!!! I guess I just have to get over not wanting to live with a stranger. I spoke with some guy last night. A friend of a friend. He seemed normal. I guess I could just have faith that it will all work out. But a stranger in my house? I don't even like having people I know there half the time. But I guess this guy is going to move in, unless anyone else can come up with a reasonable alternative. Suggestions?

3. God and this jack-ass Clay Aiken wannabe is down here talking to Janelle. She is filling the hallway with this vile disgusting noise that comes out of her mouth. She calls it talking, I call it verbal diarrhea. But unfortunately there is no over the counter drug that will make her shut up. Why on earth is it necessary to have someone on this planet that talks so loud and so often about nothing. Her voice is like nails on a chalk board. She makes me sick and the fact that I know she is sitting in some desk two floors above me makes me want to jump out a window.

When they talk about "scum of the earth" I can only imagine they are talking about her. I am surprised you can't hear her right now screaming about the Yankees and Mets. Just the fact that we both can live off of breathing in the same air astonishes me. I think that is perhaps the only thing we have in common. See gives you the ability to see exactly what is wrong with the human race. She makes you realize how beastly humans really are and the only thing that separates us from the "animals" is...well perhaps she is the missing link that they are always talking about because I can't stand to think that her and I are part of the same species. It seems almost impossible.

4. I just spent about 15 minutes on the floor of my bosses office awkwardly trying to open a box, that didn't even need to be opened. Not really a big deal, it was just kind of embarrassing.

5. Since Shiela is going to be out for a while I am responsible for watering her plants. That sure sounds like the worst idea I have ever heard. I have nothing against plants, but when they are all dead when she comes back I don't think she will be too happy. Its not like I do it on purpose, I just don't know how much water they are supposed to get and when they are supposed to get it, and even if I did, I would probably just forget or be too lazy to do it. It's ashame to because right now her plants are really thriving.

Well that's all for now. But thinking about all this has gotten me really worked up. Maybe I will go pick a fight.

larry brown can kiss my ass

I really hate Larry Brown. Asshole, traitor, liar, whiner...just a few words that pop into my mind when I think about him. Why anyone would bring him in to pollute their team is beyond me. We had a good run with him in Philly, I heard him say all the things you want good coaches to say. "I love it here." "This is my home...where my family is happy." Blah Blah Blah. Fuck you Larry Brown. He left us high and dry for the team that kicked us out of the playoffs.

He had us all fooled. We thought he was in it for the long haul. He wanted to retire in the Philadelphia suburbs and coach basketball at is his son's high school. At least that is what he told us time and time again. We went to the finals. 2001 was an AMAZING year. So why am I left with such a bitter taste in my mouth? And more importantly why am I talking about it now? Well, I have tickets to the Sixers/Knicks game Friday at MSG. I am very excited to hopefully see AI and the crew win. I am a little annoyed at the thought of being surrounded by so many New York fans, but I suppose I will take one for the team.

Thinking about the game has made all these bad Larry Brown feelings resurface. I want to kick him. Not hard, because I know he has some health problems, but just hard enough so he knows that he has just been kicked. I know his tricks. He has no class and a huge fucking ego to go along with it. He's an instigator. And he never holds himself accountable for anything. It is ALWAYS someone else's fault.

Sure he is a great coach but he spent all those years in Philadelphia bashing Allen Iverson. Many people blame the media, but in this case I blame Larry Brown. Why? Because everything is his fault. Larry Brown vilified Allen Iverson for all those years when really he only had to look in the mirror to see the real problem. Now if you know anything about me you will know that if there is any kind of bashing that will not go ignored, it is Allen Iverson Bashing. He can do no wrong in my opinion. Sure he missed some practice here and there, but who hasn't skipped worked every once in a while? (And I don't want to get comments from all you Allen Iverson haters out there. So don't waste my time.)

Honestly, I'm surprised Larry Brown took his head out of his ass long enough to even notice Allen wasn't at practice. Larry spent most of his time in Philadelphia spouting off in front of a podium about Allen this and Allen that. Yet Allen, who was supposed to be this irresponsible "thug" never ever took a shot a Brown. Never one callous remark. Trust me, I have seen more AI press conferences than I care to admit and he has nothing but nice things to say about Larry. All those years he sat and listened to Larry criticize him and complain about him and make jokes at his expense. And he stayed silent. Even after these last few years when Larry Brown has been chastised by the Philly press AI never says a negative word.

It just saddens me to know Larry is doing the same thing to Stephon Marbury in NYC. And from what it looks like on the front pages of all those "newspapers" people in New York are falling for it. It isn't Stephon, I promise!!! Larry Brown is causing all the problems for the Knicks. No matter what the Daily News says, just remember it is Larry. I saw the same thing in Philadelphia. It is the same exact storyline. Unfortunately for Knicks fans I don't think your story line is going to end in a trip to the finals, but I digress.

May he be well, but can't he get a fucking hobby that doesn't involve talking shit about his star player? What the fuck Larry? Are you so insecure you find it necessary to make the players on your team look bad? Do you think it makes you look better? Why not grow some balls and talk shit about a player on another team, a player that you can't cut or bench? In my opinion Larry Brown is a whiney little turd and his mere presence in the building is going to negatively impact my game watching experience.

So all you out there who think Stephon is the troublemaker stop right there. I promise you need not look any further than your head coach to see who the real problem is. Yup that's right I have seen it before in another city, and I am sure if I had lived in Detroit, Indianapolis, or any of the other countless places Brown has coached I would have seen it there. So much stigma is placed on players who have caused trouble but I think it is about time people open there eyes and see sometimes coaches are the real problem. Let's all look at Larry Brown for what he really is...a bad bad man.

4 feet 2 inches of trouble

I am super extra bored today. I didn't bring a book and there isn't much to do. Do you ever notice that when there is not much to do, it makes it hard for you to actually do the things that need to get done? I have some copies to make. Not very important copies, but copies nonetheless. Just the thought of getting up, walking over to the machine, pressing the start button, and then stapling the documents is so exhausting just to think about it makes me unable to get out of my chair. It was bad enough I had to go up to accounting this morning.

I have ANOTHER job interview on Friday and a phone interview tomorrow. I suppose I could prepare for those. I talked to Grammy (my 94 year old grandmother) and said "Hey Grammy I have another job interview next week!" Instead of the excitement I should have heard in her voice, all I got was "so many interviews and no job...never heard of that before..." Thanks Grammy, thanks a lot.

For those of you that don't know Grammy is about 4 feet 2 inches of trouble. If you don't eat at least 2 servings of whatever it is she is serving, you will live to regret it. Since she is so old and cute people just expect her to be old and cute. She does that pretty well but what people don't realize is that it is all a scam. Grammy loves to get free shit. She gets more free shit than anyone I know. Because if you are old and cute people feel bad charging you for things. People also rush to hold doors and pull out chairs. She however is much more capable than her age gives her credit for.

When she walks into a room it is like watching the seas part as people stare and point and move out of the way. "Isn't she cute?"..."Look how little that woman is!" Yeah yeah yeah we have heard it all before. Just move out of the way and get the woman a chair. Sitting is in fact much better than standing and Grammy is a pro at finding places to sit down. It tends to work out nicely for me because I hate standing as well and when you hang out with her you are almost guaranteed to get offered a seat next to her.

She is pretty slow these days but she gets there eventually. She has opted against a wheelchair and a walker but holds a cane. I say holds because although she sometimes walks with one it does more to impede her movement than assist it. She just holds it while she shuffles around. She doesn't use it to balance or support herself in any way, so I don't quite see its purpose. But hey whatever works. Although she worries about falling she isn't too concerned because as I mentioned before she is only about 4 feet off the ground. There isn't really very far for her to fall.

Anyway, hopefully I will get one of these jobs and can actually give Grammy something to be proud of!

too much responsibility

Every time Janelle gets up to go to the bathroom or the kitchen or anywhere she asks me to watch her bag(s). I have no problem watching it, its just that sometimes she is gone for like twenty minutes. I don't give a fuck if she is gone all afternoon, I just don't want to be responsible for anyone's personal possessions. She always says "yuuu guuing tu bee hur?" "Yeah I'll be here." Does that mean I am obligated to sit here and watch her bag the ENTIRE time she is gone? As I said before sometimes she can be gone for quite a while. Inevitably I forget that I am supposed to be watching her bag and end up leaving my post only to remember five minutes later that her bag was left unattended. I run back my desk and of course all nine of her bags are sitting right where she left them. Phew.

I am just really bad at remembering to do things that I find unimportant. Why doesn't she just lock her bag in her desk like everyone else. If it is so important that it needs to be watched, why not just lock it up? And yeah sure, I think I am going to be here but what if Matt needs emergency copies made? Am I supposed to lug all her crap with me? Or wait until she gets back?

I am usually on my way back from getting some chocolate chip cookies when I realize that I was supposed to be watching her bag. Then I get all nervous and run back to my desk ASAP. I am not sure if I am more afraid of her bag getting stolen or of her seeing that I am not "watching" her bag. I would hate for her to come back and realize that I don't take my responsibility seriously. I mean I don't, but we are friends and I wouldn't want her to know that.

Anyway, she hasn't caught me not watching her bag yet so I am safe on that end but I always fear that a perpetrator didn't steal the entire bag but went through and just took her wallet. Then she wouldn't even notice until she was at home or something. Then the next day she would say "Wur yu hure the whoole tim I was out on break yusturday?" I then would of course have to lie because at that point I wouldn't know her wallet had been stolen. "Yes. Of course." Then she would tell me her wallet had been stolen and that was the only point in the day that it could have happened. Great. Then I'd have to start spinning a web of lies only to do a 180 and break down with the truth.

But I wonder what she would say if she came back from and saw her shit missing, and me just chatting away on the phone. Knowing Janelle she would just blame herself. I would have to agree with that reaction because I don't really think I should be responsible for anything. Not at this stage of the game.

Well hopefully that wont happen and I will become more careful with my responsibilities. I wouldn't want the person watching my bag to go wandering the halls looking for free cookies. But then again I would never ask some to watch my bag when there is a perfectly capable drawer with a lock on it right next to my chair. Hmmmm. Interesting.

better than hitler

So a little while back this woman really pissed me off. She has a really stupid name and she is a litigator here at the firm. This is her first year so she is constantly making the rounds to partners and other attorney's looking for work. I admire her work ethic. Sort of. But she is one of those people who thinks she is better than me. Or at least better than anyone who didn't go to law school. She also talks to all the secretaries like we are five years old. She wears really ugly suits and has an unflattering haircut. All that could be forgiven if she was in any way nice and/or interesting. She is neither.

Anyway, this was before I moved downstairs and she was sitting in Jake's office talking about new cases or whatever these people do all day. The door was open and since I was in her direct line of vision and only a few feet away I find it impossible to believe that she didn't realize I could hear everything she was saying.

I forget what led up to her comment but I believe she said "I just couldn't be a secretary. It would feel awful to know that if I was out anyone could do my job." She went on talking about how it must be awful to replaceable and blah blah blah.

HELLO ASSHOLE!!!!! You are a lawyer. There are about 1,000,000 other leaches out there that are perfectly qualified to do your job. You are a lawyer, you just follow a big long list of rules and make a lot of money. You aren't curing Cancer. There are plenty of people out there who could step in should you not make it into work. Not to mention all the other associates at the firm that are just waiting for someone to call in sick so they can come to the rescue, get on the partners good side, and get all the good cases. People that have worked 18 hours a day for five years aren't missed a second after they give notice.

That is how law firms work. No one becomes too important. No one is really necessary. Every single person can be replaced by another Yale law school graduate. Everyone else in the firm can do your job. That way if people are out they don't lose any billable hours. At most places when someone is out things back up or slow down, not here. Things just get passed on for someone else to take care of.

The sooner she realizes that the sooner she can get off that high horse and realize her job is just as pointless as mine. Sure she makes more money but that hasn't helped her buy a nice personality or even nice clothes. And she even lives in Jersey City for goodness sake. At least I get to do what I want all day. At least I don't have to sleep in my office, work 80 hour weeks, and waste away my twenties stressing out about contracts. Who cares if someone else can do my job? I don't care if a piece of monkey shit sat in my chair all day and no one could tell the difference. At least I'm not fat.

I don't really know why I am thinking about this. I just am. I just wish these people would get it into their heads that people are people and they aren't any better than any other people. Except maybe hitler. They are better than hitler.

redecorating

Since when does decorating mean moving heavy files out of your office into the filing cabinets by my desk? One of the associates hasn't quite gotten it in her weasely little brain that I work for partners now. Working for partners means I don't have to do anything for anyone who I don't work for. She asked me for a rubber band once, with a little bit more attitude than I appreciated but I let it slide. Then she asked me to send something inter-office even though the little routing slip was much closer to where she was standing. I said "excuse me?" then she repeated her request, I complied. Her secretary was out to lunch and I felt bad since the attorneys really don't know how to do anything. I figured maybe she had forgotten how to circle a name and write down a room number.

But today I have reached my limit. I have to figure out a way to make this woman realize I am not here to move heavy objects on a whim because her secretary has stepped away and she is too lazy to do it herself. It was bad enough this morning she had me printing out and stapling emails because the printer isn't hooked up to Lotus Notes on her computer. Why does she need something done at the exact moment her secretary leaves her post? If she really wants those emails printed out so bad why doesn't she call the help desk and have them tell her how to hook up the printer? They will even send up an IT guy to do it for you if you ask nicely.

Just a few moments ago Janelle's sub for the day went to the bathroom. Becky, that's not her real name, but it should be. She seems like a real Becky. Except not like the nice fun Becky's we all know and love, she’s more like the obsessive compulsive controlling man hating Becky's - that we all know but don't love. Anyway, "Becky" came out of her office. She looked like a dear caught in the headlights when she realized Janelle's sub had stepped away. The thought she might actually have to do something annoying herself disappeared from her thoughts just as quickly as it had entered them. Her exact thought process probably went something like this "oh shit that deaf lady sitting in for Janelle isn't here when I want her here so this will have to wait…but I am a lawyer and I can't wait...I could do it myself...no, I'm a lawyer and I can't do anything myself...shit.............that other person's secretary is just sitting there...I'll make her do it." "Elizabeth...do you want to help me redecorate my office?"

I was a little surprised she didn't wait for the deaf lady to come back because things like decorating can always wait. At least wait long enough for this woman to get back from the bathroom. "Sure". I'm thinking who doesn't like to decorate. I should have known by the desperate, helpless, slightly evil look on her face that she had no intentions of getting me to "redecorate" her office.

Let me tell you something about "Becky" she is short. Not that that really has anything at all to do with the story but she is fairly shorter than I am so I feel like it should be mentioned. She also has a lateral lisp, which I have found charming in EVERY OTHER person I have ever met in my entire life. With her it just adds to the annoyance. That along with a pony tail that is just a wee bit too perky and really ugly shoes. Not that my shoes are so great but her budget is slightly more flexible than mine, so she has no excuse. Also her tendency to lock herself in her office and giggle and squeal uncontrollably at whatever is being said to her over the phone has gotten really old. Oh yeah and she for whatever reason finds it necessary to play a certain Oscar nominated song over and over and over and over and over and over again all day long everyday. Yeah I get it you like the song, we all like the song. But I am not five years old an I don’t need everything repeated 50 times a day to enjoy it.

When I think of redecorating I think of picking out paint colors and furniture. "Becky's" idea of redecorating involves ME moving lots of heavy things from HER office to the cabinets by my desk. Ummm. I mean drawers not cabinets. I said cabinets and she corrected me. I suppose they are more drawer-like but I didn't really see why it was necessary to point out that the files are in fact going in drawers and not cabinets. And so what if they are going in cabinets? Like I say on a fairly regular basis, if these people want anything done in an effective fairly competent way…I’m not the girl you’re looking for. She is lucky I didn’t just throw all her shit out the window.

Well the “redecorating” went fairly smoothly, at least for "Becky". I however, was not so lucky. My Manicure is officially ruined and there is a folder in the third drawer by the printer that has my blood on it. Blood from the paper cut I received "redecorating". Hmm. At least it is Friday and I wont have to do other people’s pointless dirty work until Monday morning!

lazy eye

I haven't mentioned it before, but Janelle has a lazy eye. Or maybe two lazy eyes, I can't quite tell. Either way, after almost a month I still have no idea where to look when I am talking to her. I feel really bad because I get the distinct impression that wherever I am looking is the wrong place. I like sitting next to her and don't want her to be offended by me stupidly looking in the wrong direction. I think she likes sitting next to me to. She is always singing my praises to the people who walk by and telling me how great it is to sit next to me. And how lucky she is that I was the one to move to that desk. I fear I will break her heart when I give notice. But at this rate she will have retired and gotten both lazy eyes fixed before that happens.

On top of the lazy eye(s) she has many other characteristics that stand out and surely make her like no woman you have EVER seen before. She has a contagious laugh that sort of sounds like a baboon. But more importantly she wears bright orange lipstick. And for whatever reason it sort of works on her. It isn't what you wear; it is how you wear it. And Janelle wears her lipstick not only on her lips, but also below them, and above them. The foundation she wears enhances the bags under her eyes instead of hiding them, but with her, that might be the point. And if she isn't trying to enhance them with the foundation she is certainly trying to do it with the thick black eyeliner that rims her eyes. I see no other explanation.

She is one of the old school secretaries mixed with a little new school attitude. She doesn't go out of her way like Marge and openly admits to being bored and somewhat useless. Every once in a while I hear her whisper "fuck" or "oh shit" under her breath. I would never. She spends her day emailing and sending slightly offensive forwards around the company. Since she has worked here for 20 some years she is part of the group of women that wear skirts everyday. Two feet of snow, she is in a skirt. Not just a skirt, but I really fucking tight skirt. The skirt in combination with her three-inch heels makes it almost impossible for her to walk. She walks with her knees together and a slight limp. She also really likes cats.

She has Melanie Griffith's hair cut in Working Girl except it is brown. She complemented me on my hair and was shocked to find out it wasn't a perm (who gets perms anymore?!?). She is always using the phrase “ROTFLMAO” (rolling on the floor laughing my ass off) in emails. Janelle had a bag of lifesavers in her purse yesterday and was convinced that they were the cause of her sinus problems. She is happily married and it seems like she and Tim (her husband) have a lot of fun together. They watch every reality show known to man. This year she had to cut back a little because "it was getting to be to much." And that accent. Sort of Staten Island meets Arkansas. Except she is not from, nor does she reside in either of these places.

I really like her. She has a lot of positive energy to pass around and is all for me doing the least amount of work possible to not get in trouble. Whenever I am annoyed at Sheila she backs me up 100% and makes it clear to me that it wasn't my fault. She also makes me feel like I am really good at what I do, which couldn’t be further from the truth. But it is nice to know someone thinks I do a good job. She also seems to think my social life is extremely exciting. Her language is littered with words like “awesome”, “outrageous”, and “wow!” when I discuss what I did over the weekend, which usually consists of hanging out at my apartment…or hanging out at someone else’s apartment. But hey it makes me feel exciting so I go with it. She also announces anytime she sends an email out with my name in it. "I just wanted to let you know I am telling Ann you said it was cold out at lunch." I guess she doesn't want me to think she gossips about me. But what the fuck do I care? I hope to only be sitting by Janelle for a few more months max, but they will be about as enjoyable as they can get.

a new desk

I filled out Matt's desk reimbursement form this morning. Partners at the firm are given $5,000 to buy new furniture for their offices. It is a lovely desk but I think Matt is a little self conscious about his choice because he decided against getting anything too fancy or expensive. But I guess it's all relative because he spent more on the desk than I make in a month. I just don't see the point in a desk so expensive. Who cares? No one else even goes inside his office. I respect his decision because even though others in the firm may look down upon his desk it shows me that he doesn't give a fuck.

Honestly it is all about peer pressure. When it comes down to it these lawyers are all the biggest dork from your high school who figured out early that if they made a lot of money they would be able to date pretty girls. So they got teased in high school but got really good grades. And when you get really good grades and do well on tests people think you are smart. And if you are smart you are supposed to become a lawyer. Smart = Lawyer...interesting. These guys can't even go to the bathroom without making a conference call.

So this firm is filled with men that resemble the most awkward kid in your high school. They are a little better dressed, have pretty girlfriends, and nicer apartments than anyone we know but they are also incredibly insecure. You can smell it when you walk in the building. How is it that people so insecure and so devoid of any original thought are given money, power, and respect? Not by me, but they get it. If you yell loud enough and throw enough cash at people you get pretty much whatever you want. The insecurities that you develop in 8th grade often last forever, unless you deal with it. They never got the chance to deal with anything because they were too busy being socially awkward. Some of them found their place here and have "cool" friends for the first time and developed a superiority complex and take their 8th grade embarrassments out on everyone else around them. Hence all the yelling and ordering around I face on a daily basis.

There are a few legacies roaming the halls as well. Men whose fathers are judges, state representatives, or something equally as unimportant. They of course (like our president) spent their younger years developing a cocaine addiction, drunk driving, and spending their families "hard" earned money. But it came time for them, like it does for us all, to grow up. When they looked around and realized that they have no skills or passions whatsoever they relied on daddy's golfing buddy to get them into a fancy law school.

Being a lawyer is hardly rocket science so they manage to fill the roll well enough. And even though they are an asshole they make partner because of their last name.

My theory is basically this. The awkward men are still dealing with the humiliation they suffered in 8th grade. So they are forced to go out and buy the most expensive desk or the prettiest wife to prove to everyone else they are in fact "somebody" and they do matter.

The rest of them are dealing with the humiliation that their father suffered in the 8th grade. Dad doesn't want his only son wasting his life getting high and getting in trouble, that wouldn't look right. So he gets him this law firm gig to calm him down. It is all about appearance with these people. Dad is still hurting because he got teased by some cool kid so he went out and bought everything he could afford to ensure everyone would know that he is successful. The best revenge is living well right? I don't know how well they are living since it seems to me they all develop ulcers by the time they are 40. Anyway. The son grew up rich and since he had a trophy wife for a mother he did pretty well in the looks department so he never had the insecurities his father had. He had a C average but was captain of the football team and got invited to all the cool parties. But he couldn't just live off his father's "hard" earned money forever so he went out and got a job.

Anyway I think the ones who were dorky in high school finally feel like they have made it. But when they are forced to mingle with the secure legacy lawyers they revert back to the feelings they had at 14 and decide that they need to spend thousands of dollars on things like desks and lamps. The legacy lawyers are just so used to being around fancy things the thought of buying a desk that costs less then $2,000 just seems crazy to them so they make everyone else feel bad for not spending more than the allotted $5,000.

A vicious cycle really.

I am only using the pronoun "he" because female attorneys are another story completely. Don't worry Adrienne I will get to you later :)

tuesday

I have only been sitting here for two hours but it feels like a month. I made some copies and took a few messages, that's about it. I tried to do some reading but in order to read your brain has to sort of be able to process information. I am not quite at that point yet this morning.

Boss lady is still out of the office which is nice. She doesn't really like to answer my questions. But I will keep asking them. I don't see what her problem is. I am just trying to make things easier for her. It takes a lot longer to fix something than it does to mess something up. So she should be a little more patient. I am not completely incompetent. I went to college...and I graduated. I am just extremely unqualified for this position. I have decided to take that approach. If I say a monkey could do my job, then I feel really bad about myself when I mess up. But If I pretend that I am trying to survive in the cut throat demanding profession of being a legal secretary, I don't feel so bad. I just didn't get the proper training you need to succeed in this business.

Sitting next to Janelle is really refreshing. Yeah the American Idol talk is little out of hand but at least she isn't as fucking uptight as Marge. Right now I bet Marge is up there working herself into a frenzy over nothing. She keeps saying she will try to get down and see my new desk but she just keeps getting busier and busier. Please. I think we all know she is just sitting up their raising her own blood pressure over nothing. Marge used to make me feel neglectful of my job, as if I wasn't as dedicated as I should be. Janelle on the other hand makes me feel like I am the hardest working secretary at the firm. Simply by showing up on time, and leaving only 15 minutes early everyday I have some how managed to make her think I am a hard worker.

Yesterday as I left I said I was tired. Her response? "After all yu du all day, I don't blame yu." This woman literally sits less than ten feet away from me, so how is it possible she has a completely distorted version of what I do. Perhaps she just hears me typing away on the computer and instead of assuming it is just gmail chat or me writing on my blog she thinks I am actually working? There is really no other explanation. I do rather enjoy her company. She is funny. I got a pair of BRIGHT green rain boots that I assume make me look like a five year old. But to make a long story short they are the boots I have now so I am going to wear them with pride. Janelle likes them. I believe her exact words were "tha er SOOOO yu!" If bright green rain boots with mini tennis rackets on them are so me, then well I must be pretty fucking awesome. Janelle also likes to use the word outrageous a lot. I hope it rubs off on me because I kind of like it.

I am pretty sure at this point I didn't get that job. Oh well. I feel like I would have heard by now since they were pretty sure that they wanted to make a decision by last Friday. They were only interviewing 3 or 4 people so I thought I had a decent shot. Bummer. Just going on Idealist or any of those other job websites makes me feel really bad and inadequate. Maybe there really is something wrong with me. No. I think I will just continue to think there is something wrong with them. Not getting this job was more disappointing than the previous ones because although it wasn't perfect I am MORE than qualified. So I guess the only reason they didn't pick me was because they didn't like me. But then I just ask what's not to like? I don't get it.

Watch out for that full moon eclipse tonight, anything could happen.

'merican idol

Theft is running rampant here at the firm. And not just the normal theft you expect from lawyers! Just yesterday I got a bottle of lotion stolen. I don't get it, why would you want to steal my lotion? Janelle, the new person I am sitting next to says she thinks whoever took it, took it out of spite and that if I get a replacement bottle I better keep it in my bag until the "spite" blows over. I am not sure what she thinks they could be spiteful over but she looked very serious while she was saying it so I am going to watch out.

The women around here are VERY involved in American Idol. When I say involved I don't mean they watch it every week and vote. I mean they not only watch it every week, they tape it and bring the tapes to work to share with their friends. They also spend the entire day chatting about it on the phone and over email. They print out pages and pages and pages of contestant bios and facts about the show. They are so into it that we have nothing to talk about since I don't watch it. How come they can't be obsessed with a good reality show like Top Model or Project Runway? Then we would have something in common.

I have nothing against American Idol. I love Kelly Clarkson as much as the next guy but when you need to send out emails to all your friends asking them to not include you in the American Idol discussion today because you have copies to make, I think it has gone too far. Everyday Janelle asks me if I am going to watch it later on that evening. I always say something like "well, i'm busy tonight but if i get a chance..." That is the best thing to say to shut her up. "Oh grayate bekos than weee wood hev sumthing tu talk abouut taaamaro" (That is sort of what she talks like). Twice this week, TWICE, after saying I wasn't planning on watching "Idol" Janelle has told random passersby that "Elizebeth plens un tring tu get intu Merican Idol!" (I still don't get her accent. She is from Pennsylvania, and so am I, so I don't understand why she talks like that. Perhaps just a speech impediment?) I refuse to watch "Mercian Idol", partly because the show is slightly annoying, and partly just out of spite. Not the kind of spite that makes you steal lotion, but spite nonetheless.

I just can't stand the thought of actually having something to contribute to these mindless conversations about how rude Simon is or how Paula is acting weird. I don't care if the person who got voted off went to your granddaughters high school, nor do I care if "Ace" has the most amazing eyes you have ever seen. There are a lot of things I don't care about but with every day that this "competition" goes on, American Idol is moving at am alarming rate to the top of the list.

Knock on wood but it has been a whole 24 hours since I have been reprimanded by Sheila. Yesterday morning it was because of some documents that were charged to the wrong number. Here at law firms you can't even go to lunch without trying to find some way to charge a client for it. I sort of have the policy that I only charge the client when I am actually doing work. Seems fair. Well there were a bunch of documents from a bunch of different deals, and a bunch of junk mail that I was supposed to send out.

Being the idiot that I am I assumed that since it was more than one case, and many of the materials included were not related to any case at all I should use the charge we use for general office administration. Apparently that was a mistake. It was all supposed to be charged to some company. How the fuck was I supposed to know? She sent me an email to correct the mistake, and then she called to make sure I was very clear on the fact that I made a mistake. I am kind of sick of having every single tiny mistake I make pointed out a thousand times. How am I supposed to know that I should go around charging people for things they shouldn't be charged for. Maybe that is what they teach in law school? Because they certainly don't teach anything about kindness and human decency. Sure it was a big huge company that probably does evil things and can afford it, but two wrongs don't make a right.

Anyway I am still waiting to hear about that job and I really see no reason why I shouldn't get it.

i don't care about youre children

How come when people talk about their children they ALWAYS say "2 going on 21... hahaha". I for once would like someone to say "yeah, my kid is two and she acts like a fucking two year old". Or perhaps since all two year olds for whatever reason seem to act like they are 21 maybe that is just how two year olds act and people should stop making the comparison. Either way I am just sick of hearing about these people's children and grandchildren. I love kids as much as the next guy but if I am going to sit through a ten minute long story about how your kid taught some little Jewish boy the song of the cross or whatever the fuck it is called, I should at very least have some investment in this child.

If I don't know your name why the fuck would I want to know about your kid? I only like hearing stories about kids who are some how involved in my life (e.g. Jose and Seamus). I don't care if she got a Cinderella cake at home AND at school. You didn't bring me a piece. And if your daughter that I have never met and didn't even know existed is pregnant...well that is really wonderful for your family, but to me it is just extra information that is now needlessly floating around in my head. If someone said something mean to your kid on the playground, I am really sorry, but she should just get used to it because middle school can be rough and she might as well learn to suck it up now. All this is information that is now taking up space in my brain would be better used for something more important, or perhaps nothing at all.

If I don't know your name...I don't want to hear about your family. I don't think that is so much to ask. Maybe it sounds insensitive but why would stories about some random toddler that may or may not actually resemble a 21 year old interest me in the slightest.

Just a quick update for everyone: Job interview #9 this afternoon. I really think I am going to get this one. Really. So send good thoughts around 4:30.

The boss lady is "working" from home. Which is more stressful for me than you can possibly imagine. Every time the phone rings I have a mini panic attack because I am afraid it is her. But one of the nice things about her not being here is that I don't have to hear her speak poorly about me very loudly on the phone with the door open. That was fun.

She has the remarkable talent of being able to express anger, disappointment, and annoyance over email. Her use of BOLD and CAPITAL LETTERS makes everything very clear. Oh you want me to print out the last THREE pages and FAX them at 1:00. Ok I get it. You think I am stupid. And you also think my stupidity can be remedied by throwing in some extra font changes. Sorry Sheila, but as I am sure I will prove to you later this afternoon around 1:00 when I fax the wrong THREE pages of that document no matter how big the font or how bold the text, whatever it is that you think is wrong with me can't be fixed. I'm fine with it so maybe you should just fucking deal.

so i finally figured out what that buzzing was

You probably haven't heard me mention it because I thought it was another sign that I was going crazy. Well partners have the option to buzz their secretary. I knew this buzzer existed but I never imagined anyone would actually buzz me and expect me to respond. After hearing buzzing on and off for the last couple days I finally looked in the direction of the buzz and saw one of my bosses names flashing on my phone screen. Well I put 1 & 2 together and figured out that it meant he wanted me to go into his office. I just feel bad for all those buzzes I ignored by accident. But I don't feel too bad. I think the whole idea of buzzing is kind of rude. Better than screaming yes, but my preferred method of communication is email. But he can buzz me all he wants, especially today. I am in a good (better) mood than usual. I have another interview next Tuesday! I told you people, I have a feeling.

she's like...evil

So my new boss, let's just call her...evil...ok ok I'll give her a real name - Sheila. Well, Sheila has made it pretty clear she thinks I am doing a sub-par job. In fact I think her exact words were "not good". But what can I say? I didn't go to Katherine Gibbs and I have never received any training whatsoever as to how to be a secretary. Not that I am trying to make excuses but this is basically on the job training. I am surprised they even gave me the job, nothing in my experience or educational background ever pointed to this type of work.

There are a lot of things I need to work on. Mainly my attitude problem. I think I will just stand in front of the mirror and practice smiling and saying "I'm sorry." They like it when you apologize, especially for things that aren't your fault. I am also really bad at printing out attachments to emails. This is not a skill I even knew someone could be bad at. It isn't as easy as you think. Everything has to be stapled and clipped correctly or apparently the document becomes COMPLETELY USELESS!

Sheila's office is directly opposite my desk. So when I look up from my computer she in my direct line of vision. Wonderful. Since she can see me, she has taken to SCREAMING my name when she wants my attention. There is a buzzer, an intercom, LanTalk, Email - but with all the technology she finds the most effective way to get my attention is by screaming. "ELIZABETH!" It feels worse than when my mom screamed my name when I was in trouble. And at least my mother loves me so there is only so much damage she could do. God only knows what is going to happen once I enter Sheila's office.

I think she might be slightly bi-polar. One second she is rattling off orders like we are in Nazi Germany and the next she is nice as pie. The sad thing is Sheila and I would probably get along if we met under different circumstances. I think she is kind of funny. I also sort of like the fact that she is mean. I just wish I wasn't the one she was being mean to. I also like the fact that she always gets what she wants. I respect that and strive for it myself. I just rather she take the nice approach to getting what she wants. She is very moody, like even moodier than I am, so we can relate.

The sense of entitlement these people have just blows my mind. How hard is it to understand that if you want a conference room, you need to reserve it. So she sent me down the hall to check and see if a room was available. I opened the door and interrupted some type of lawyer meeting. Oops. I close the door and report back to her "there are people in there." "Who are they?!?!" "I don't know I have never seen them before." "Well what are they doing in there? They aren't supposed to be in there. Who are they?" "I am not sure...they are meeting. I have never seen them before." "Who are they?" "I don't know. Would you just like me to tell them you need the room in 15 minutes? "Yes...unless they are partners. Are they partners?" "I don't think so." "Tell them I need it."

So I wander back to the conference room very confident ready to kick some people out. Apparently they aren't supposed to be there, so I will tell them. There is a certain status that comes with being a secretary to a partner everyone knows is crazy. People just assume whatever it is I am doing is because she told me to and they sort of have to let me do it or they will hear about it later. People get out of my way when I need to make copies or send faxes. They don't waste any time when I ask for something to be delivered. I am like a minor celebrity. "oh you work for her?....how is that?...what's she like?...are you busy?" "yes...good...nice...very" Being the loyal secretary I am I never tell people the truth..."unfortunately...awful...crazy...nope".

Anyway back to the conference room. I was going to go with "You guys are going to have to leave. Sheila needs this conference room in 15 minutes". But as I opened the door and saw all the eyes fall on me once again I got a little nervous and just went with "how long are you guys gonna to be in here?" Then some lady who I wasn't even talking to announced that the conference room had been reserved for quite some time and asked "is there a conflict?". Well excuse me lady who I have never seen before and was not talking to and is certainly not a partner "Yes, I think there is a conflict, I need the room in 15 minutes." Doesn't she know who I work for? I could make her pathetic associate existence even more miserable. Sure I am a secretary and I don't really matter, but my boss matters. I certainly doubt she would have taken that tone with Sheila, so there was no need for her to take it with me.

But as I said before I really think a new job is around the corner. Oh it will be so fun to quit, I can't wait!