what was i thinking

So I am 24 years old now. More than two years out of college. I remember when I was so excited to go out and fend for myself. Have my own place. Make my own decisions and lead my own life. Why? Why in gods name would anyone ever want that? You wonder why children are always so happy and carefree, it is because they have someone to buy them whatever they want, give them food, make their decisions for them, not to mention pay all the bills. You know why they always have so much energy in the morning? Because they don't have any stresses or worries to keep them up at night. And they get nap time.

What was I thinking moving out of my parent's house? What the fuck was I trying to prove? That I can take care of myself. Who fucking cares? Sure they cramped my style a little bit and but hey I had it good. Dinner on the table every night no questions asked. Free rent, gas, electric, phone, cable, internet. Top of the line stuff too. My super (dad) lived right upstairs. A washer/dryer in the house. A fridge semi-full of food. I could even make requests as to what I would like to eat for any of the various meals they supplied. These are all things that I either live without today or have to pay for. Every time I go home to visit I ask myself, how could I let all that slip through my fingers?

It isn't even the money, it is simply the peace of mind. The second I pay one bill another one comes in. There is always something to get done and something that needs to be bought or fixed. Right about now I would just like to set up shop on my parents couch. They have cable and it's free – I think they even got a Tivo. They have food and it's free. They have internet and it's free. They have a car that I am sure they would let me borrow. What more could I ask for? Independence? Overrated. And if I actually talk to my parents, they aren't quite as annoying as I remember.

We all know people who live at home. I always thought they were lazy, crazy, stupid, unmotivated, or a host of other unfriendly adjectives. I used to say things like "I can't believe he is still living at home." Or "How can he stand to still be living at home, doesn't he want his own place?" Now they seem to be the only ones who really know what they are doing. "Hey you want an all expenses paid trip through life?" Who would say no to that? Well apparently me, and a lot of you other crazy people out there. Unfortunately it is too late to go back. I think my parents rather enjoy having me gone. I guess I was cramping their style just as much as they were cramping mine.

Oh my. I have a job I don't like, a messy apartment that is hardly worth the money I pay for it, and no course of action as to how to not be doing this anymore. But hey at least I know I can make it on my own...whatever that means.