because i am the worst secretary EVER

I think I might just be the worst secretary in the entire history of the world. And I am not just saying that to flatter myself. I think it might actually be true. Really, I'm that bad at it. Notice I don't use the term "assistant". I have been an "assistant" before. Assistants assist people. I just sit here, mostly getting in the way and hoping not to be called upon. I of course put assistant on my resume, it sounds more professional. But let's get down to brass tacks people, I am a secretary. Even that term seems to embellish the reality of the situation. Seat warmer is probably a better term. I won't say secretary because some secretaries actually do work and I would hate to bring them all down to my level.

I want to help but I fear I only get in the way. Well I don't fear it, I don't really care. And actually I don't really want to help at all. But if they want to continue to pay me for writing on my blog and reading books, that's fine with me. I wish I wanted to help then perhaps I wouldn't get so annoyed when I had work to do. Yesterday for example, I had shit to do and it was really annoying. But most of the time they don't even want my help. I always mess things up. Everything...all the time. This is the first job I have had where I have made so many mistakes. I used to tell myself that it was because I was too smart for this position. Then I told myself that it was just because I didn't care enough to be mistake free. Now I have sort of realized it isn't because of any of those things. It is just because I am really bad at what I do.

I just never thought I would become this incompetent. They say "can you make two copies of this; give the original to Bob and give me the copy." Pretty easy and straight forward. But by the time I get to the copy room I have already forgotten how many copies I am supposed to make, who is supposed to get what, and which Bob. So I always end up having to go back and find out. And the copy room is like so far from my desk, so that's annoying. The second time I am told something I always write it down. Asking something three times is out of the question. But after I have written down what I am supposed to do clearly enough for even a three year old to understand, I head off to the copy room AGAIN only to realize I forgot the charge number.

Every second you spend working on anything at a law firm needs to be charged to a number. This is where the college education comes in handy. Instead of going back and asking again...I either figure it out on my own, or use another one I have memorized. You aren't really supposed to use the wrong number but if my boss can charge lunch to some random client because he lost his wallet then I say charging a couple of copies to the wrong number isn't so bad. It is not malicious. Just out of laziness. I believe in Karma so if they are overcharged for copies then they will probably be undercharged for something else. I know this kid. Let's call him "Rob". Well he told me when he worked at a law firm he would misfile documents on purpose! Now that's gutsy. I would never do anything like that.

I can't really follow direction very well and I have a terrible memory. I spend too much energy trying to pay attention and not enough energy actually listening. I don't really take messages all too well either. What I really hate is when they sit in their office and blatantly ignore the ringing telephone. So I pick it up and put whoever it is into voicemail. They of course come running out to find out who it was. "uh...I'm not sure. He wanted to go into voicemail...I'm not sure." If you wanted to know who it was so bad why didn't you pick up the fucking phone? Am I supposed to get the name of every person who calls? Well maybe I am, I don't know. But it seems like voicemail is there for that exact purpose. Telling them who called.

I hate being bad at what I do. I guess if I cared enough I could get better. But my main concern is how could I be so bad at something so easy? I went to college. I have had jobs that required much more mental capacity than this. So what gives? And what will happen if someone actually gives me a real job one day? They must think I am really stupid. Maybe I am stupid. How is this possible? Make copies, answer the phone. Seems pretty cut and dry. I just always seem to mess something up. Half the time since I am so used to just sitting here I forget to do whatever it is they ask of me. How do you forget to do something when it is the only thing you have to do?

Maybe all those people at all those job interviews I have been on in the last year saw something that that the people who hired me here didn't see. Maybe they see a lazy inept fool. Hmmm. Maybe that is why I have been unable to find new employment in the last year. Maybe they can somehow tell I am really bad at my job and don't want to hire me. Maybe it is me and not them. Nah. It's them. But perhaps I should rethink my approach.

But I can think later. I will spend most of the day hoping no one gives me any work to do because I have a book I have been trying to finish for the last week. It is just so hard to concentrate on fine literature when people are constantly interrupting you to make copies. Sometimes I wonder if my bosses have any idea how incredibly happy and relieved I become once they go to a meeting. I wish they could be in meetings all day long. That is the first thing I do in the morning, check to see if they have any meetings. If they do I know that at least for that hour or so they won't be bothering me. Let me tell you it is the best feeling in the world to just sit here and not have to worry about some guy coming out and handing me a bunch of papers I will inevitably lose or misfile. Not on purpose like "Rob"…but just because I am the worst secretary ever.

So what is everybody doing if there is actually a transit strike tomorrow? I am seriously debating just quitting my job and moving to Puerto Rico. Who's coming?