Well here I am. Here again. As always just sitting here. Listening to Marge huss and fuss over an expense report and talk about the weather, while I contemplate how to use my remaining two vacation days. We only get off the 26th. I wasn't too good about saving mine up so it looks like I will just be here a lot in the next couple weeks, while everyone else is sleeping-in and stuffing their face. How I managed to blow 21 vacation days this year without actually going on vacation I will never know.
I am searching the internet looking for things to get people for the Holidays. At my mother's request I am adding some stuff to my birthday wish list. But at this age the only things I want are things that "you can't buy in a store." Well that and money. But the parents aren't really big on giving money. Gone are the days when all I wanted was an easy bake oven or a Barbie doll. I wish it were that easy.
My biggest task now that mercury is no longer in retrograde is buying gifts for my four bosses. What do you get people you don't know very well? And have the power to get you fired. I feel like they get a present everyday, just by seeing my smiling face greet them in the morning. Funny even though I am Jewish I still manage to spend a shit ton of money on Christmas presents. I know what I am going to get them I just have to wait for that year end bonus to come through. Can't really buy anyone anything until I get it. They sent out a memo telling us we are getting it. But they neglected to tell us when. How nice, keep us wondering and waiting for our cash. Keep us hanging on and making sure nobody gives notice until the very last possible moment. Just so they can squeeze as much out of us as they can before people throw up their hands and say "eh. That can wait until the new year."
But enough about presents for other people and let's get back to me.
Being Jewish around the holiday's is an interesting experience. It is just weird to not be a part of something that the entire country automatically assumes you are part of. It can definitely get annoying. I will try to not get as annoyed this year. It is just that people assume that what is true about their lives it is true about everyone else's. They also can't possibly understand how it is physically possible for a human in this country to survive without Christmas. Well Santa never brought me presents (even though I was forced to write him letters in grade school after repeatedly telling the teacher I didn't celebrate Christmas) so I am a perfect example of a person who can survive without Christmas.
It just gets annoying when I am around people that don't know I am Jewish. They ask me "What are you doing for Christmas?" "Well actually I am Jewish, so I will probably just order Chinese food. ha-ha." I try to be nice and funny in my response. Some people get that "now it all makes sense look" but there is almost always an immediate reaction of shock as if everything they had ever known about me has turned out to be false. It is as if they can't even comprehend not celebrating Christmas and that in turn my life must be devoid of all joy and happiness. They actually feel sorry for me. (The only thing I feel sorry about is having to buy a thousand people presents for a holiday I don't even celebrate. Plus Christmas takes attention away from my birthday month. Because that is what December is really about, right?)
After the shock of me being Jewish has worn off they immediately get very defensive as if I have just accused them of being an anti-Semite. It isn't like I take offense to their question, I just don't have any plans for Christmas because I am Jewish. They asked what I was doing, so I told them. They just always get so uncomfortable like they have never seen a Jew before. Or like they expected me to have horns or I all of a sudden grew a huge wart on my face. Believe me I have tried every possible response to that question but no matter what you say "nothing special/dinner at a friend's house/no plans", unless you lie it always come back to "well, because I'm Jewish" at some point, so I might as well throw it out there. There are of course plenty of times where when told to enjoy the holiday I just say "Thank you, you too." Or when asked how my Christmas was I simply say "it was great." Who doesn't like a free day off? So it isn't like I am flinging my Judaism around at them. I would just as soon them not know because that way I could avoid the following:
Many people upon finding out I am Jewish throw in the "well my dad's mother was Jewish." Ya know so they can relate to the oppression my people have suffered over the last 5,000 or so years. I mean I guess that is why they do it. It just seems pointless, I don't go around telling them my Dad's mother used to be whatever it is they are. It is basically them saying to me. "Well, we had a Jew in the family so you are ok by my book. Really I don't mind Jews at all." Great. Really takes a load off my shoulders.
After coming out as Jewish they then proceed to ask "what are your plans are for Chanukah." Trying to give my holiday as much credence as theirs. Like they are willing to accept my differences. My plans? "I don't know, nothing". "Nothing. Well you should do something!" "Well Chanukah isn't that big of a holiday." "Oh really?" Sometimes if I am in a bitchy mood I will throw in the "and ya know we don't get days off for it...so what can you do?" Clearly I don't think you should get days of for Chanukah, but if someone is being overly obnoxious I like to make them feel bad about it. Then they say "well, they really should give some days off for that. It just isn't fair" or something like that. They all of a sudden become card carrying members of the anti-defamation league.
After me inevitably having to explain what Chanukah is to them in a very half hearted manner because it gets exhausting always having to explain every holiday to every person. And they always need something explained to them. "is that the one where you...?" "oh you eat those big crackers right?" "no. that is Passover and they aren't crackers." Frankly I don't really care if they know what I do for my holidays so why should I be responsible for educating them? And if they really cared they could simply do a google search. But they don't care they just want to relate. Either that or they want to annoy me.
Now that the conversation has taken much more time out of my day and too many minutes out of my life that I will NEVER get back the whole eight nights thing comes up. It always comes up. When I was little and feeling a little insecure about my holiday I would use that as proof that Chanukah was in fact better than Christmas. Now that I am older I don't care. "I mean it is eight nights." It is like they think since it lasts a week it must some how be exciting. Eight crazy nights? More like eight crazy nights of getting socks.
Since Chanukah is after all a minor Jewish Holiday I am convinced we only get presents for it because since it is so close to Christmas it managed to get wrapped up in the whole capitalist plan to dominate the world. Since most people are ignorant they think "well Chanukah is close to Christmas it must be a really important holiday." Well it isn't. Sure presents are nice but I assume most parents were guilted into it. If their child was asked what did you get for Chanukah and they answer "nothing", they would seem like pretty cold hearted parents. If Chanukah took place in June I am pretty sure most Jewish people wouldn't even celebrate it. And if they did there certainly wouldn't be any presents involved.
Anyway below is my real birthday wish list. I am not saying birthday slash Chanukah wish list because my birthday is special enough. So these are some of the things I want that "can't be bought in a store."
...listed in order of importance
1. World peace
2. Social/racial equality
3. A new president - one with a brain
4. No more prisons - or the death penalty for that matter.
5. I wish the country to be purged of all the red states (except for the blue people in the red states) and while we are at it get rid of the red people in the blue states. (If this was done 2,3, and 4 probably wouldn't be as much of an issue - so maybe I should move this one up?)
6. Free money for poor people and HEAVY taxes and financial penalties for rich people - it works the other way around so it might be fun to switch it up. Oh and the rich people should not get to have health insurance or heat either. Just for a little while so they see what it feels like. I wouldn't want it to stay that way because that would make me as bad as them. They can get their money back and heat after a couple months. For health insurance they have to wait a year. They will be the first ones to tell you it shouldn't be a universal right - so see how they like it when their kid is sick and they can't get medicine. Not that I am advocating for kids to get sick. But you get what I am saying. Ok scratch that. Their kids can have health insurance but they can't. Well I don't know. That still seems pretty harsh. They can have it but we will tell them they can't have it and let the panic set in for a few minutes then just be like "just kidding!" But we will still take their money. Because if hard work actually equaled how much money you make I would be sleeping on a subway car tonight and the homeless man who makes his living collecting cans and bottles would be in the penthouse at the Ritz-Carlton. Anyway, enough with #6.
7. Free wireless internet access for everyone
8. A new job
9. The perfect pair of boots that I am convinced is out there somewhere, they just haven't found me yet.
There is more but once we get these things taken care of we can work on the rest.
Man I am really bored today. Maybe I will start a rumor at work that I am pregnant. These women LOVE to talk. That might be fun.
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