So apparently I am supposed to be psychic. Coulda fooled me. I thought I was just supposed to sit here, answer the phone, and take messages. How come when people call they expect me to know who they are? Our caller ID doesn't work for people outside of the office. Duh. I suppose they are too self-involved to realize that there are in fact many people who do not know who they are and that by simply hearing their voice, their name and number does not automatically pop into my head.
It happens all the time; they say their name in one big slur and rattle off their phone number in about two seconds. Most of the time I haven't even had a chance to put down my book let alone pick up a pen. 90% of the people that call are in a rush or already annoyed. They are rushed because their boss is breathing down their neck to do get done whatever it is that they are paid to get done and they are annoyed because they have to do it. The fact that they hear me pick up the phone only adds to their annoyance because they know they wont get to talk to whoever it is they are trying to call.
Well it isn't my fault that you are stuck at a miserable job so don't take it out on me. The fact that I can relate to their misery makes me even more upset, because I hate my job yet I don't go around in a fuss yelling at people and barking orders. How can you call someone up ask them to take a message for you and be rude about it? Please. I realize we all have bad days and can't always be nice but give me a break.
I have never spoken with 95% of these people before and I sure as hell doubt they know my name, so why should I know theirs? There are all kinds of callers. Some announce their name right away seeming assured that once I find out who they are Matt or Andy will immediately appear on the other end of the phone. But I never know who they are. Doug James is no different to me than Karen Stewart or Samantha Fisher. You could be the CEO of a Fortune 500 company calling from the hot tub of your private jet and it wouldn't make a difference to me, I am still not going out of my way for you. Unless you are really nice. But they are never really nice.
Most people just get very annoyed that they have to leave a message at all and inaudibly say their name and phone number a million miles and hour. This is where the psychic part comes in. I guess I am supposed to know what they are saying even though they are incapable of speaking into the phone. Kids today with their fancy speakerphone! Since it is apparently physically impossible for anyone to actually pick up their handset while talking on the phone I suggest all law schools teach their students how to turn their bodies and speak directly into the phone. Shouting orders at your computer that is a good four feet away in the opposite direction of the phone wont due. Maybe this class could involve some kind of internship where they get real world experience talking to assholes who can't manage to speak into the phone. Just an idea.
Anyway. When it becomes evident that whoever is calling can't quite take a hint and doesn't ask to go into voicemail I resign myself to taking a message. Unfortunately I have had far too many conversations that involve, "excuse me", "can you say that again", "pardon me" or countless other polite ways of saying "what the fuck is your problem I can't understand you, slow down."
This morning I spoke with a woman who by all accounts is probably very normal. Maybe she has some kids or something. I don't know. But she can't even say her own name. "Marsmth." "Excuse me, I didn't catch your name." "Marsmth." Well that was much more clear thanks. "I'm sorry could you repeat that?" I think "is that her first name or last name? or both?" This happens all the time. JUST TALK INTO THE PHONE DAMN IT!!!! They get all annoyed and act as if I am the incompetent one. But at least I know how to pronounce my name.
Some times I ask them to spell it if I don't think they can speak more clearly. It is funny people really hate spelling their name. Especially if it is a pretty common name." M-A-R-Y S-M-I-T-H." "Ok. Got it." Sometimes I just say the wrong name over and over until they adjust their seat so they are speaking directly into the speakerphone. This is the most fun. "Gerry?" "nomar" "Marie" NOOOMAR!" "Naomi?" "No Mary. Mary Smith" "oh ha-ha. I couldn't hear you. I'll have him give you a call."
When I get these callers I just take my time. I can tell my incompetence really bothers them and they are wishing they had gone straight to voicemail. Well I am wishing that too. But nooooo you wanted me to take the message so you are going to answer my questions and answer them in an intelligible way. I take my time because as annoyed as I am that I am talking to them they are way more annoyed that I haven't been able to take their message quicker. I suppose I sort of get off on annoying them a little. I guess they would just prefer to say "marsmth6319027inrefbaldwinmaathavimallme" Translated "Mary Smith 631-9027 in reference to the Baldwin matter. Have him call me." See if she had just said that to begin with we would be done.
Getting phone numbers from these people is just as impossible. I am lucky I can remember my number let alone one that was rattled of in 1.5 seconds. I demand these people, these fast-low talkers repeat their numbers to me as many times as needed, until I am almost pretty sure that I think I have it written down correctly. I am a firm believer that being able to clearly state your name and number into a phone should be a requirement BEFORE getting any kind of employment offer. But what do I know?
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